This script came in at number 5 on the 2018 blacklist.
This script did not work for me on pretty much any level.
It read like an extended version of a Rick and Morty TV show. Only rather than it being a really clever 20-minute episode, it went on and on and on for 111 pages.
Let's see why this script didn't work for me and what we can learn from this.
PLOT SUMMARY
Harry's All-Night Hamburgers follows Andy, a high school student living in a small town. He has many regrets in his life and feels that he isn't living the best version of his life that he could be. He wishes he could start over. Luckily enough, his small town has a hamburger restaurant that is a central hub for universe hoppers - that's people who use a nifty device that allows them to jump from universe to universe. You see the Rick and Morty parallel right?
The main catch with universe hopping is that once you hop, you can never go back to your original universe. You are permanently lost in the multi-verse.
Once Andy takes the leap and hops to another universe he soon wishes he could go back to his old universe - dull or not.
The question should have been - how will Andy get home - but unfortunately this script doesn't actually enact this GOAL until about page 90. Until then, Andy has been searching for his ideal universe. It took him 90 pages to realize that he wanted to go home.
Let's look at the...
CONCEPT
Teenager fed up with current existence hops universes in search of a better self only to realize that he was happiest where he was.
This concept just isn't FILM material. It'd make a great TV episode, or maybe a 60 minute TV movie - or the premise for a TV series - but for a film? No, it just doesn't work.
When you're writing a FILM - you need to think about your story as just that - A FILM. You need to imagine the poster - you need to imagine the demographic of people who would want to PAY MONEY and take the time to go and see your film.
The demographic for this film are 10-year-old boys to say, 22-year-old boys. Maybe a handful of man-childs would like it but other than that you've got a very small demographic.
A really simple way to broaden the demographic for this film would be to make the hero a female. That way you're at least doubling your potential audience.
This film fails the CONCEPT TEST.
CONCEPT RATING - 3/10
CONCEPT TIP
Before investing months of your life into writing a film - think about the final product - think is it actually FILM MATERIAL - or would you be better served writing your story premise in a more suitable format?
FORM
The writing and layout in this script was - OK. But that's the thing - OK isn't good enough. It needs to be exceptional.
This script came in at 111 pages - it could easily have been told in 95 pages.
FORM RATING 7/10
FORM TIP
Trim, trim, trim. Make sure that you're not wasting your reader's time. Go through your script and trim the fat.
CHARACTERS & DIALOGUE
One of the many problems with this script was the generic nature of all the characters and how they spoke. All the characters sounded alike and they were all tropes. Andy was the kid in school that had failed to achieve - his dad was an alcoholic - his mom was sweet and unremarkable - Andy longed for the girl that he never quite had the balls to ask out...
Every character here was a cliche. Except for Harry - he was the high concept part of this story. But even his character felt underutilised.
The dialogue here was really dull also. Every character sounded identical. Characters from alternate universes had this really annoying trait of slightly changing contemporary slang words. It was the sort of cute running gag that an 11-year-old would find funny for about 15 minutes but even then they'd grown bored of it.
CHARACTERS & DIALOGUE RATING 5/10
CHARACTERS & DIALOGUE TIP
Differentiate your characters. Give each character their own personal style and quirks. A great way to do this is by giving them very different ways of speaking.
VOICE
Voice here is dull. I had originally read the first 30 pages of this script, then got sidetracked. When I went back to read it again, I had to start over as I had forgotten the entire first 30 pages. The story here just doesn't pop.
PRODUCTION
If this film gets made it won't make money. The target audience is just too small. This film would require a HUGE budget to make. Minimum of $20m - and I just don't see it making that back. Not when you factor in the advertising budget as well, which is very often equal to that of the production budget.
GOAL
This was a huge problem for this script. The original goal was for Andy to find the 'perfect' universe where he would be incredibly happy.
Thing is, it took Andy 90 pages to realize he was never going to find anything better than his original universe. That's a really long time to realize your mistake.
GOAL TIP
A much better execution of this concept would be to have Andy realize that by page 25. Then his NEW goal would become searching for his way home. Trying to find out who invented this HOPPING device he uses to jump from universe to universe.
STAKES
The stakes here were Andy could be lost in a universe where he was going to be really unhappy. Thing is, he was really unhappy in his first universe. So, what're the stakes? He's gone from unhappy to unhappy. There are no real stakes there.
STAKES TIP
If every time Andy jumps it made him ill, or if in every universe there was some immediate threat to his life, then that would up the stakes. It would mean that his life was literally on the line. When your hero is facing death your audience becomes far more involved in the story.
URGENCY
There was no ticking clock to this story. Andy was simply jumping from universe to universe - at first, he was enjoying the fun of visiting the new worlds - but soon found that for all the fun it wasn't bringing him true joy.
URGENCY TIP
When your story has no ticking clock - it doesn't really matter if things happen today, tomorrow or next week, then your story will lack a sense of pacing. It would have been really easy to add an element of a ticking clock here - perhaps the jumping device had only a certain amount of jumps to it - and Andy had to use his jumps really wisely. But his jump device was unlimited.
To keep your audience engaged - add urgency. The tighter your time frame the better your film will be.
Can you imagine if there was no urgency in the film TAKEN? Can you imagine if Liam had unlimited time to save his daughter? That would have completely destroyed that film.
TAKEN worked BECAUSE Liam had only a few days to save his daughter.
The stakes were very high - she stood to lose her life, and his goal couldn't have been clearer - save his daughter.
There's no guessing why TAKEN was a hugely successful film.
BLACKLIST
Now, this script did find an audience - it did very well on the 2018 BLACKLIST - but just like the Cannes film festival - just because a film plays there (or rates well on the blacklist) it's no guarantee that the film will be successful. There are countless screenplays that have landed high on the black list and never been made. Or if they were made, they weren't successful.
I do screenplay reviews like this because it's good to be able to understand WHY films succeed, and WHY they fail. I sincerely doubt that if this film gets made it will be successful.
The vast majority of people who watch films have never heard of the BLACKLIST - they don't care if the screenplay did really well on some insider list. What they care about is - was the FILM entertaining and was it done well?
SUMMARY
This film failed on many levels. It started with the concept. Then it managed to have no stakes or urgency, and its goal was way off.
There is a much better version of this film that could be written, and that version could potentially find a decent audience, but as it stands I would not invest in this film.
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