This script came in at number 5 on the 2018 blacklist.
This script did not work for me on pretty much any level.
It read like an extended version of a Rick and Morty TV show. Only rather than it being a really clever 20-minute episode, it went on and on and on for 111 pages.
Let's see why this script didn't work for me and what we can learn from this.
PLOT SUMMARY
Harry's All-Night Hamburgers follows Andy, a high school student living in a small town. He has many regrets in his life and feels that he isn't living the best version of his life that he could be. He wishes he could start over. Luckily enough, his small town has a hamburger restaurant that is a central hub for universe hoppers - that's people who use a nifty device that allows them to jump from universe to universe. You see the Rick and Morty parallel right?
The main catch with universe hopping is that once you hop, you can never go back to your original universe. You are permanently lost in the multi-verse.
Once Andy takes the leap and hops to another universe he soon wishes he could go back to his old universe - dull or not.
The question should have been - how will Andy get home - but unfortunately this script doesn't actually enact this GOAL until about page 90. Until then, Andy has been searching for his ideal universe. It took him 90 pages to realize that he wanted to go home.
Let's look at the...
CONCEPT
Teenager fed up with current existence hops universes in search of a better self only to realize that he was happiest where he was.
This concept just isn't FILM material. It'd make a great TV episode, or maybe a 60 minute TV movie - or the premise for a TV series - but for a film? No, it just doesn't work.
When you're writing a FILM - you need to think about your story as just that - A FILM. You need to imagine the poster - you need to imagine the demographic of people who would want to PAY MONEY and take the time to go and see your film.
The demographic for this film are 10-year-old boys to say, 22-year-old boys. Maybe a handful of man-childs would like it but other than that you've got a very small demographic.
A really simple way to broaden the demographic for this film would be to make the hero a female. That way you're at least doubling your potential audience.
This film fails the CONCEPT TEST.
CONCEPT RATING - 3/10
CONCEPT TIP
Before investing months of your life into writing a film - think about the final product - think is it actually FILM MATERIAL - or would you be better served writing your story premise in a more suitable format?
FORM
The writing and layout in this script was - OK. But that's the thing - OK isn't good enough. It needs to be exceptional.
This script came in at 111 pages - it could easily have been told in 95 pages.
FORM RATING 7/10
FORM TIP
Trim, trim, trim. Make sure that you're not wasting your reader's time. Go through your script and trim the fat.
CHARACTERS & DIALOGUE
One of the many problems with this script was the generic nature of all the characters and how they spoke. All the characters sounded alike and they were all tropes. Andy was the kid in school that had failed to achieve - his dad was an alcoholic - his mom was sweet and unremarkable - Andy longed for the girl that he never quite had the balls to ask out...
Every character here was a cliche. Except for Harry - he was the high concept part of this story. But even his character felt underutilised.
The dialogue here was really dull also. Every character sounded identical. Characters from alternate universes had this really annoying trait of slightly changing contemporary slang words. It was the sort of cute running gag that an 11-year-old would find funny for about 15 minutes but even then they'd grown bored of it.
CHARACTERS & DIALOGUE RATING 5/10
CHARACTERS & DIALOGUE TIP
Differentiate your characters. Give each character their own personal style and quirks. A great way to do this is by giving them very different ways of speaking.
VOICE
Voice here is dull. I had originally read the first 30 pages of this script, then got sidetracked. When I went back to read it again, I had to start over as I had forgotten the entire first 30 pages. The story here just doesn't pop.
PRODUCTION
If this film gets made it won't make money. The target audience is just too small. This film would require a HUGE budget to make. Minimum of $20m - and I just don't see it making that back. Not when you factor in the advertising budget as well, which is very often equal to that of the production budget.
GOAL
This was a huge problem for this script. The original goal was for Andy to find the 'perfect' universe where he would be incredibly happy.
Thing is, it took Andy 90 pages to realize he was never going to find anything better than his original universe. That's a really long time to realize your mistake.
GOAL TIP
A much better execution of this concept would be to have Andy realize that by page 25. Then his NEW goal would become searching for his way home. Trying to find out who invented this HOPPING device he uses to jump from universe to universe.
STAKES
The stakes here were Andy could be lost in a universe where he was going to be really unhappy. Thing is, he was really unhappy in his first universe. So, what're the stakes? He's gone from unhappy to unhappy. There are no real stakes there.
STAKES TIP
If every time Andy jumps it made him ill, or if in every universe there was some immediate threat to his life, then that would up the stakes. It would mean that his life was literally on the line. When your hero is facing death your audience becomes far more involved in the story.
URGENCY
There was no ticking clock to this story. Andy was simply jumping from universe to universe - at first, he was enjoying the fun of visiting the new worlds - but soon found that for all the fun it wasn't bringing him true joy.
URGENCY TIP
When your story has no ticking clock - it doesn't really matter if things happen today, tomorrow or next week, then your story will lack a sense of pacing. It would have been really easy to add an element of a ticking clock here - perhaps the jumping device had only a certain amount of jumps to it - and Andy had to use his jumps really wisely. But his jump device was unlimited.
To keep your audience engaged - add urgency. The tighter your time frame the better your film will be.
Can you imagine if there was no urgency in the film TAKEN? Can you imagine if Liam had unlimited time to save his daughter? That would have completely destroyed that film.
TAKEN worked BECAUSE Liam had only a few days to save his daughter.
The stakes were very high - she stood to lose her life, and his goal couldn't have been clearer - save his daughter.
There's no guessing why TAKEN was a hugely successful film.
BLACKLIST
Now, this script did find an audience - it did very well on the 2018 BLACKLIST - but just like the Cannes film festival - just because a film plays there (or rates well on the blacklist) it's no guarantee that the film will be successful. There are countless screenplays that have landed high on the black list and never been made. Or if they were made, they weren't successful.
I do screenplay reviews like this because it's good to be able to understand WHY films succeed, and WHY they fail. I sincerely doubt that if this film gets made it will be successful.
The vast majority of people who watch films have never heard of the BLACKLIST - they don't care if the screenplay did really well on some insider list. What they care about is - was the FILM entertaining and was it done well?
SUMMARY
This film failed on many levels. It started with the concept. Then it managed to have no stakes or urgency, and its goal was way off.
There is a much better version of this film that could be written, and that version could potentially find a decent audience, but as it stands I would not invest in this film.
Sunday, 31 March 2019
Saturday, 30 March 2019
HIT LIST 2017 - DADDIO - SCREENPLAY REVIEW
Daddio is the breakthrough script by Christy Hall - author of Get Home Safe.
After loving Get Home Safe I decided to have a look at her first script.
Daddio is a very unique script. Christy breaks a lot of rules with this script - but less so than in her second script. Oddly enough she follows a lot of rules in this script. I'm not sure if she knows she's breaking the rules though, which is a little dangerous. If you don't know why your script is successful you can't know how to replicate its success.
CONCEPT
The concept here is very simple. A 20 something lady gets a cab ride from JFK to midtown Manhattan. There are a few flashbacks, but 95% of the film is set in the cab. That right there is ballsy. Setting an entire story in a cab is a very hard thing to do, let alone do well.
But the thing is - Christy succeeds. This script is very powerful.
Would this script do well at the box office? Without a big name carrying it - like an actual A-lister - like Emma Stone - I don't think so. It's not a CINEMA EXPERIENCE film. I think it would have a hard time making more than a couple of million at the box office. Now that doesn't mean this couldn't be a successful film.
If the film was made for a low budget - less than $3m - then I can see it doing really well on VOD and Netflix (etc) sales. You could also factor in a short run, limited release at the cinema to boost revenue.
This film has the potential to become the next Frances Ha. A word of mouth style film that goes to cult status and could be a huge launchpad for the two lead actors and director.
CONCEPT RATING - 9/10
CONCEPT TIP
While I'm sure there are many people out there who just don't get this script and its appeal - I think the concept is very clever. It is a very familiar and very relatable concept - having a very deep conversation with an NYC cab driver. I think anyone who has ridden for a long time in a cab in NYC has experienced the unique conversation that can take place between rider and driver. It doesn't even have to be a cabbie in NYC. There are cab drivers all over the world that are equally engaging.
The relatability factor of this film is huge.
Secondly, this story actually follows a pretty solid hero's journey. The lead lady in this story - GIRLIE - has a flaw. She has a huge flaw. She is in love with a married man who is essentially stringing her along and using her for sex.
Throughout the course of the story she needs to learn the errors of her way, and to do this she needs to confront her past, she needs to understand and accept her relationship with her father.
While this might not be a thriller or horror or sci-fi - the premise is so strong it doesn't need genre to carry the story - the base drama is strong enough. A young woman confused in life comes to confront her past and her bad relationship through a conversation with a seasoned cab driver.
Hollywood is looking for EMOTIONAL STORIES. If your story fails to connect with the audience on an emotional level your film is very likely to fail. Especially if you don't have a huge budget to dazzle audiences with special effects.
If your story has a budget of less than $10m, be sure to write a story and characters that will engage your audience's emotions.
Here's the second tip - make it realistic. If you pile on the emotion too much - your audience will check out. Girlie is in a bad situation and she needs help to understand that - but her situation isn't terrible - she's not being abused, she's not being raped or something equally horrific - her pains are real and relatable.
FORM
Form is not Christy Hall's strong suit. She breaks a lot of the screenwriting layout and writing rules. There are form rules in screenwriting for a reason. You are not writing something to be read. You are writing a blueprint of something that will be SEEN. Thus, you must ONLY WRITE THAT WHICH CAN BE SEEN. ALL ELSE IS CHEATING.
Christy's screenplays tend to read as though they're half a novel, half a screenplay. They're laid out like a screenplay - but there is a lot of writing devoted to that which can't be seen.
A lot of the time Christy TELLS you how a character feels. You can do that in a novel - as that's how novels work. When you tell the reader how a character is feeling in a screenplay - sure, the reader knows - but how does that translate to the screen? How does the audience know what emotion your character is feeling? You let an audience know by having your character SHOW their emotions. If they're happy they laugh, if they're angry they physicalize their anger, if they're nervous they start to twitch, look around erratically, nervously, etc...
The best example of Christy's bad form is the opening of this screenplay. Every page of a screenplay represents 1 minute of screen time. Now in this script, it takes Girlie 10 pages (ten minutes) to get into a cab and for the first piece of conversation to take place. that's ten minutes of NOTHING.
Now, a good director and producer will see that 10 minutes of nothing is a death card for this film - and would insist that these first ten pages be covered in 1 page or 1 minute of screen time.
But here's the thing. Christy should know this. She should know that 10 minutes of someone getting from the airport into a cab is really dull and would turn off a lot of viewers.
This script is about 115 pages long. It would only play as an 80-minute film - max. Anything more than 80 minutes and you're outstaying your welcome. That shows that Christy has overwritten this film by 35 pages. That means this script is 30% overwritten.
It's fine to be overwritten a little, but 30% is far too much.
FORM RATING 4/10
FORM TIP
Understand why screenwriting formatting is important. If you're writing screenplays seriously, you need to adhere to the rules as best you can. Don't overwrite, and make sure everything you write CAN BE SEEN ON SCREEN.
STRUCTURE
Structure here is better than in Christy's second script Get home Safe.
Why?
Because in Daddio the hero - GIRLIE - has a FLAW.
When your hero has an inner journey going on as well as an outer journey your audience will be far more involved.
Ironically, Christy doesn't actually have ANY outer journey here. All she's doing is getting home from the airport in a cab. This script is ALL inner journey. There are no external forces getting in Christy's way here. If the cab driver tried to kidnap her then we'd have an outer journey - but that doesn't happen. Christy's story here is about her understanding that her lover is not good for her. That she is engaged in a detrimental relationship.
The structure here is based on the Hero's Journey. We have the ordinary world where Christy has returned home from a trip to her home town to visit her sister, then the inciting incident is being picked up in the cab. WHY is getting picked up an inciting incident? because it is the event that will TEST HER FLAW.
She has met the cab driver - Clark - who is going to challenge her enough to make her realize that she is in a venomous relationship.
I won't break down the entire screenplay according to the HJ - but it does follow the beat structure - loosely.
But loosely is just fine. Following the HJ beat for beat becomes predictable - it's good to take the HJ and use some of it, but not all of it. Or to shuffle the order of the beats to switch your story up and prevent it from becoming predictable.
STRUCTURE RATING 7/10
STRUCTURE TIP
Give your hero a FLAW. When your hero has a flaw, structuring becomes much easier. You have the inner turmoil to come back to. You can show your hero facing decisions and at first, making the wrong decision, then slowly learning their flaw, accepting their flaw and doing what they can to overcome their flaw. i.e - making the right decision.
CHARACTERS & DIALOGUE
There are two main characters here. Girlie (hero) and Clark (mentor). Both are exceptionally realistic.
Both speak in very different ways. Girlie is reserved and speaks in concise sentences. While Clark is verbose and he speaks very harshly.
CHARACTERS & DIALOGUE RATING 9/10
CHARACTERS & DIALOGUE TIP
Differentiate your characters. If Girlie had been just as brash and verbose as Clark this script wouldn't have been half as good. You need contrast in your characters - when they all speak and sound alike your story becomes very one-note.
VOICE
Christy Hall has a huge amount of x-factor. Her voice is exceptional. Her scripts read like nothing else out there. Sometimes that's a bad thing. Here, it is great.
VOICE RATING 10/10
VOICE TIP
Try not to over think your voice. As you write, don't get caught up in worrying about how other people will perceive your writing. Just let your natural writing personality flow onto the computer screen. The less you over think it, the more real and honest your voice will sound.
PRODUCTION
While I don't see this film becoming a HUGE cinema success, there is definitely an audience for this film. The great thing about this script is it could be shot on a budget of around $100k - and you would still have a great film. Up that budget to around the $3m mark and you've got an A-lister working with a break out director and you'll have a VERY successful film on your hands.
PRODUCTION RATING 9/10
PRODUCTION TIP
If you're trying to break into the film world and you want to create your own film then a screenplay like this is exactly what you need.
Honestly, you could shoot this film with a ZERO budget. If you had good enough relations with a micro-film-crew you could turn this into a film without paying anyone.
This is the kind of script/film that would get the creators noticed.
If you're still looking to break in - think INNER JOURNEY - think ultra low budget.
One location, two actors.
The beautiful thing about this script is that it's set in a car in NYC. Often, when people try to come up with once location two actors they set the story in an enclosed space. A warehouse, a room in a house, etc... the problem with this is that it makes for a very dull film visually speaking.
Setting this in a cab - (constantly moving) in NYC - (one of the most visually breathtaking cities on earth) is a stroke of simple genius.
I would invest in this film in a heartbeat.
After loving Get Home Safe I decided to have a look at her first script.
Daddio is a very unique script. Christy breaks a lot of rules with this script - but less so than in her second script. Oddly enough she follows a lot of rules in this script. I'm not sure if she knows she's breaking the rules though, which is a little dangerous. If you don't know why your script is successful you can't know how to replicate its success.
CONCEPT
The concept here is very simple. A 20 something lady gets a cab ride from JFK to midtown Manhattan. There are a few flashbacks, but 95% of the film is set in the cab. That right there is ballsy. Setting an entire story in a cab is a very hard thing to do, let alone do well.
But the thing is - Christy succeeds. This script is very powerful.
Would this script do well at the box office? Without a big name carrying it - like an actual A-lister - like Emma Stone - I don't think so. It's not a CINEMA EXPERIENCE film. I think it would have a hard time making more than a couple of million at the box office. Now that doesn't mean this couldn't be a successful film.
If the film was made for a low budget - less than $3m - then I can see it doing really well on VOD and Netflix (etc) sales. You could also factor in a short run, limited release at the cinema to boost revenue.
This film has the potential to become the next Frances Ha. A word of mouth style film that goes to cult status and could be a huge launchpad for the two lead actors and director.
CONCEPT RATING - 9/10
CONCEPT TIP
While I'm sure there are many people out there who just don't get this script and its appeal - I think the concept is very clever. It is a very familiar and very relatable concept - having a very deep conversation with an NYC cab driver. I think anyone who has ridden for a long time in a cab in NYC has experienced the unique conversation that can take place between rider and driver. It doesn't even have to be a cabbie in NYC. There are cab drivers all over the world that are equally engaging.
The relatability factor of this film is huge.
Secondly, this story actually follows a pretty solid hero's journey. The lead lady in this story - GIRLIE - has a flaw. She has a huge flaw. She is in love with a married man who is essentially stringing her along and using her for sex.
Throughout the course of the story she needs to learn the errors of her way, and to do this she needs to confront her past, she needs to understand and accept her relationship with her father.
While this might not be a thriller or horror or sci-fi - the premise is so strong it doesn't need genre to carry the story - the base drama is strong enough. A young woman confused in life comes to confront her past and her bad relationship through a conversation with a seasoned cab driver.
Hollywood is looking for EMOTIONAL STORIES. If your story fails to connect with the audience on an emotional level your film is very likely to fail. Especially if you don't have a huge budget to dazzle audiences with special effects.
If your story has a budget of less than $10m, be sure to write a story and characters that will engage your audience's emotions.
Here's the second tip - make it realistic. If you pile on the emotion too much - your audience will check out. Girlie is in a bad situation and she needs help to understand that - but her situation isn't terrible - she's not being abused, she's not being raped or something equally horrific - her pains are real and relatable.
FORM
Form is not Christy Hall's strong suit. She breaks a lot of the screenwriting layout and writing rules. There are form rules in screenwriting for a reason. You are not writing something to be read. You are writing a blueprint of something that will be SEEN. Thus, you must ONLY WRITE THAT WHICH CAN BE SEEN. ALL ELSE IS CHEATING.
Christy's screenplays tend to read as though they're half a novel, half a screenplay. They're laid out like a screenplay - but there is a lot of writing devoted to that which can't be seen.
A lot of the time Christy TELLS you how a character feels. You can do that in a novel - as that's how novels work. When you tell the reader how a character is feeling in a screenplay - sure, the reader knows - but how does that translate to the screen? How does the audience know what emotion your character is feeling? You let an audience know by having your character SHOW their emotions. If they're happy they laugh, if they're angry they physicalize their anger, if they're nervous they start to twitch, look around erratically, nervously, etc...
The best example of Christy's bad form is the opening of this screenplay. Every page of a screenplay represents 1 minute of screen time. Now in this script, it takes Girlie 10 pages (ten minutes) to get into a cab and for the first piece of conversation to take place. that's ten minutes of NOTHING.
Now, a good director and producer will see that 10 minutes of nothing is a death card for this film - and would insist that these first ten pages be covered in 1 page or 1 minute of screen time.
But here's the thing. Christy should know this. She should know that 10 minutes of someone getting from the airport into a cab is really dull and would turn off a lot of viewers.
This script is about 115 pages long. It would only play as an 80-minute film - max. Anything more than 80 minutes and you're outstaying your welcome. That shows that Christy has overwritten this film by 35 pages. That means this script is 30% overwritten.
It's fine to be overwritten a little, but 30% is far too much.
FORM RATING 4/10
FORM TIP
Understand why screenwriting formatting is important. If you're writing screenplays seriously, you need to adhere to the rules as best you can. Don't overwrite, and make sure everything you write CAN BE SEEN ON SCREEN.
STRUCTURE
Structure here is better than in Christy's second script Get home Safe.
Why?
Because in Daddio the hero - GIRLIE - has a FLAW.
When your hero has an inner journey going on as well as an outer journey your audience will be far more involved.
Ironically, Christy doesn't actually have ANY outer journey here. All she's doing is getting home from the airport in a cab. This script is ALL inner journey. There are no external forces getting in Christy's way here. If the cab driver tried to kidnap her then we'd have an outer journey - but that doesn't happen. Christy's story here is about her understanding that her lover is not good for her. That she is engaged in a detrimental relationship.
The structure here is based on the Hero's Journey. We have the ordinary world where Christy has returned home from a trip to her home town to visit her sister, then the inciting incident is being picked up in the cab. WHY is getting picked up an inciting incident? because it is the event that will TEST HER FLAW.
She has met the cab driver - Clark - who is going to challenge her enough to make her realize that she is in a venomous relationship.
I won't break down the entire screenplay according to the HJ - but it does follow the beat structure - loosely.
But loosely is just fine. Following the HJ beat for beat becomes predictable - it's good to take the HJ and use some of it, but not all of it. Or to shuffle the order of the beats to switch your story up and prevent it from becoming predictable.
STRUCTURE RATING 7/10
STRUCTURE TIP
Give your hero a FLAW. When your hero has a flaw, structuring becomes much easier. You have the inner turmoil to come back to. You can show your hero facing decisions and at first, making the wrong decision, then slowly learning their flaw, accepting their flaw and doing what they can to overcome their flaw. i.e - making the right decision.
CHARACTERS & DIALOGUE
There are two main characters here. Girlie (hero) and Clark (mentor). Both are exceptionally realistic.
Both speak in very different ways. Girlie is reserved and speaks in concise sentences. While Clark is verbose and he speaks very harshly.
CHARACTERS & DIALOGUE RATING 9/10
CHARACTERS & DIALOGUE TIP
Differentiate your characters. If Girlie had been just as brash and verbose as Clark this script wouldn't have been half as good. You need contrast in your characters - when they all speak and sound alike your story becomes very one-note.
VOICE
Christy Hall has a huge amount of x-factor. Her voice is exceptional. Her scripts read like nothing else out there. Sometimes that's a bad thing. Here, it is great.
VOICE RATING 10/10
VOICE TIP
Try not to over think your voice. As you write, don't get caught up in worrying about how other people will perceive your writing. Just let your natural writing personality flow onto the computer screen. The less you over think it, the more real and honest your voice will sound.
PRODUCTION
While I don't see this film becoming a HUGE cinema success, there is definitely an audience for this film. The great thing about this script is it could be shot on a budget of around $100k - and you would still have a great film. Up that budget to around the $3m mark and you've got an A-lister working with a break out director and you'll have a VERY successful film on your hands.
PRODUCTION RATING 9/10
PRODUCTION TIP
If you're trying to break into the film world and you want to create your own film then a screenplay like this is exactly what you need.
Honestly, you could shoot this film with a ZERO budget. If you had good enough relations with a micro-film-crew you could turn this into a film without paying anyone.
This is the kind of script/film that would get the creators noticed.
If you're still looking to break in - think INNER JOURNEY - think ultra low budget.
One location, two actors.
The beautiful thing about this script is that it's set in a car in NYC. Often, when people try to come up with once location two actors they set the story in an enclosed space. A warehouse, a room in a house, etc... the problem with this is that it makes for a very dull film visually speaking.
Setting this in a cab - (constantly moving) in NYC - (one of the most visually breathtaking cities on earth) is a stroke of simple genius.
I would invest in this film in a heartbeat.
Thursday, 28 March 2019
BLACK LIST 2018 - DRUDGE
This screenplay finished at #4 on the 2018 black list. I knew nothing going into this script. I'm trying to not read loglines so I have no preconception or expectations of what the script will be.
This screenplay is one of the reasons that the Black List is not a BEST OF list, but a MOST LIKED list. What's the difference? Sometimes a script is a fast, fun read, as this script was (kinda) but really, when you put your business hat on, this script would not make a penny.
There are lots of reasons why this script would fail miserably as a film.
The main reason is the concept.
CONCEPT
Drudge is about Mathew Drudge the creator or the Drudge Report. It details how he came from a neglected childhood and created one of the most successful online news websites. The DrudgeReport.com is reportedly worth hundreds of millions of dollars and has more online traffic than the NY Times and Washington Post combined.
That might sound impressive, but here's the thing. Do you want to PAY to go to the cinema to watch a story about a guy who created a successful website?
Some might argue that that's what Social Network (about Facebook) was about and that was a successful film.
Wrong, the creation of Facebook is a story about changing the way people communicate and interact with others online. Facebook has literally changed society in every country across the world.
This story is about a guy who creates a hacky online news website. That's not a concept that's going to excite many people into going to PAY MONEY to go to the cinema.
Now, this film would do ok on Netflix if the right team got behind it.
But as the script stands at the moment, it's rife with mistakes. Let's look at why this script was fun to read but would fail as a film.
FORM
Form is ok here. The writing ok. This story is a comedy and the jokes are ok. There is a lot of excessive writing. This script comes in at 119 pages. You could EASILY tell the same story in 90 pages.
FORM RATING 6/10
FORM TIP
Keep it short and sweet. If you have a scene that's running longer than 3 pages, trim it. If you have a scene that's running longer than 5 pages. Trim it. If your script is around 100 pages, trim it to 95. If your script is 110 pages, trim it to 100. If your script is 119 pages, trim it back to 100 at the very most. Don't waste the reader's time. Readers are your gateway to producers. Make them like you. Write tight material and your script will outshine those that write heavy.
STRUCTURE
This script suffers immensely as Drudge has no flaw. He's not trying to overcome any real inner conflict. He does make the mistake of thinking that the 'liberals' who feed him his news scoops are his friends when really they're using him, but when he finally realizes this, he continues to embrace the same people, because without their inside scoops his website wouldn't be cutting edge. It wouldn't be ahead of the rest.
When you have no flaw, it's very hard to create any real discernible structure. Flaw and structure are intertwined. Sure, you have a story here, stuff happens, but when you don't have a clear structure, the story just seems to ramble on and on without any real goal.
STRUCTURE RATING 4/10
STRUCTURE TIP
Give your hero a flaw and watch your structure evolve. As soon as you have a hero who is trying to make good decisions, but ends up making bad decisions because of his flaw you have a structure. I'm not going to get into the complete Hero's Journey structure here - as that would require pages and pages of writing - so if you don't understand the hero's journey - then you need to teach yourself. Just google it, there are countless websites that break it down into one page.
CHARACTERS & DIALOGUE
This is one of the reasons this script fails. Drudge is not likable at all. All of the other characters are unlikable. When you have a screenplay that has no likable characters you have a very hard, uphill battle to getting anyone to care about your film. Unlikeable characters might work on the page and seem interesting to read about - but when you put the same story up on a screen - your audience will check out if they don't like your hero.
The dialogue here is ok - there's nothing bad about it, but there's nothing exceptional about it. The humor here is really average. Not once did I laugh out loud. Compare that to KING RICHARD - where I actually cried and burst out laughing during the read.
CHARACTER & DIALOGUE RATING 5/10
CHARACTER & DIALOGUE TIP
If you can create characters that actually evoke a genuine emotion (cry, laugh, anger, annoyed, etc) as you read, your script is going to do really well. Think about what makes people laugh out loud. Think about what makes people cry. Inject these elements into your script.
VOICE
Voice here is so-so. It's not a terrible script, but it feels very vanilla. Voice being the sum of all the parts isn't adding up to very much here. The script and concept are at best mediocre.
VOICE RATING 4/10
VOICE TIP
Nail the individual elements of your story and your voice will become stronger, your writing personality will seem more engaging.
PRODUCTION
If I were a producer I would pass on this script. Even if I really enjoyed the read, there is no way in hell this story would make money at the box office. There's just not enough people out there who are interested in seeing a film about a successful news website. The concept is too weak.
PRODUCTION RATING 1/10
PRODUCTION TIP
Don't spend months or years writing a script where the concept isn't strong enough to get people to go to the cinema. If your concept is only strong enough to be on Netflix, work on a concept that's good enough for cinema. There's nothing wrong with Netflix, it's the future of entertainment, but to stand out from the pack your IDEA needs to be strong. This idea is not.
SUMMARY
This film failed on many fronts. Aside from the ones I've written about there were two more main things this script did wrong we can learn from.
1) EMPATHY - there was no ACTIVE POSITIVE empathy beats for Drudge - our hero. All the beats were PASSIVE POSITIVE.
What's the difference?
ACTIVE POSITIVE empathy is when your hero DOES things we love them for.
PASSIVE POSITIVE empathy is when bad things happen to your hero and we feel sorry for them.
Active positive empathy is MUCH stronger than passive positive empathy.
2) POV - this film's opening 5 pages are with Drudge's parents in a courtroom. Not only does this scene take 5 pages to establish what could be done in 1 page. It is confusing - I spent the first 5 pages wondering who the hero of the story was going to be. The mom or the dad? Turns out, neither - it was the son - who wasn't even present.
A simple remedy to this would be to place Drudge in the courtroom watching as his parents argue over who wants him (spoiler - neither want him).
That would make this scene from Drudge's POV and it would elevate the impact of the scene.
This screenplay is one of the reasons that the Black List is not a BEST OF list, but a MOST LIKED list. What's the difference? Sometimes a script is a fast, fun read, as this script was (kinda) but really, when you put your business hat on, this script would not make a penny.
There are lots of reasons why this script would fail miserably as a film.
The main reason is the concept.
CONCEPT
Drudge is about Mathew Drudge the creator or the Drudge Report. It details how he came from a neglected childhood and created one of the most successful online news websites. The DrudgeReport.com is reportedly worth hundreds of millions of dollars and has more online traffic than the NY Times and Washington Post combined.
That might sound impressive, but here's the thing. Do you want to PAY to go to the cinema to watch a story about a guy who created a successful website?
Some might argue that that's what Social Network (about Facebook) was about and that was a successful film.
Wrong, the creation of Facebook is a story about changing the way people communicate and interact with others online. Facebook has literally changed society in every country across the world.
This story is about a guy who creates a hacky online news website. That's not a concept that's going to excite many people into going to PAY MONEY to go to the cinema.
Now, this film would do ok on Netflix if the right team got behind it.
But as the script stands at the moment, it's rife with mistakes. Let's look at why this script was fun to read but would fail as a film.
FORM
Form is ok here. The writing ok. This story is a comedy and the jokes are ok. There is a lot of excessive writing. This script comes in at 119 pages. You could EASILY tell the same story in 90 pages.
FORM RATING 6/10
FORM TIP
Keep it short and sweet. If you have a scene that's running longer than 3 pages, trim it. If you have a scene that's running longer than 5 pages. Trim it. If your script is around 100 pages, trim it to 95. If your script is 110 pages, trim it to 100. If your script is 119 pages, trim it back to 100 at the very most. Don't waste the reader's time. Readers are your gateway to producers. Make them like you. Write tight material and your script will outshine those that write heavy.
STRUCTURE
This script suffers immensely as Drudge has no flaw. He's not trying to overcome any real inner conflict. He does make the mistake of thinking that the 'liberals' who feed him his news scoops are his friends when really they're using him, but when he finally realizes this, he continues to embrace the same people, because without their inside scoops his website wouldn't be cutting edge. It wouldn't be ahead of the rest.
When you have no flaw, it's very hard to create any real discernible structure. Flaw and structure are intertwined. Sure, you have a story here, stuff happens, but when you don't have a clear structure, the story just seems to ramble on and on without any real goal.
STRUCTURE RATING 4/10
STRUCTURE TIP
Give your hero a flaw and watch your structure evolve. As soon as you have a hero who is trying to make good decisions, but ends up making bad decisions because of his flaw you have a structure. I'm not going to get into the complete Hero's Journey structure here - as that would require pages and pages of writing - so if you don't understand the hero's journey - then you need to teach yourself. Just google it, there are countless websites that break it down into one page.
CHARACTERS & DIALOGUE
This is one of the reasons this script fails. Drudge is not likable at all. All of the other characters are unlikable. When you have a screenplay that has no likable characters you have a very hard, uphill battle to getting anyone to care about your film. Unlikeable characters might work on the page and seem interesting to read about - but when you put the same story up on a screen - your audience will check out if they don't like your hero.
The dialogue here is ok - there's nothing bad about it, but there's nothing exceptional about it. The humor here is really average. Not once did I laugh out loud. Compare that to KING RICHARD - where I actually cried and burst out laughing during the read.
CHARACTER & DIALOGUE RATING 5/10
CHARACTER & DIALOGUE TIP
If you can create characters that actually evoke a genuine emotion (cry, laugh, anger, annoyed, etc) as you read, your script is going to do really well. Think about what makes people laugh out loud. Think about what makes people cry. Inject these elements into your script.
VOICE
Voice here is so-so. It's not a terrible script, but it feels very vanilla. Voice being the sum of all the parts isn't adding up to very much here. The script and concept are at best mediocre.
VOICE RATING 4/10
VOICE TIP
Nail the individual elements of your story and your voice will become stronger, your writing personality will seem more engaging.
PRODUCTION
If I were a producer I would pass on this script. Even if I really enjoyed the read, there is no way in hell this story would make money at the box office. There's just not enough people out there who are interested in seeing a film about a successful news website. The concept is too weak.
PRODUCTION RATING 1/10
PRODUCTION TIP
Don't spend months or years writing a script where the concept isn't strong enough to get people to go to the cinema. If your concept is only strong enough to be on Netflix, work on a concept that's good enough for cinema. There's nothing wrong with Netflix, it's the future of entertainment, but to stand out from the pack your IDEA needs to be strong. This idea is not.
SUMMARY
This film failed on many fronts. Aside from the ones I've written about there were two more main things this script did wrong we can learn from.
1) EMPATHY - there was no ACTIVE POSITIVE empathy beats for Drudge - our hero. All the beats were PASSIVE POSITIVE.
What's the difference?
ACTIVE POSITIVE empathy is when your hero DOES things we love them for.
PASSIVE POSITIVE empathy is when bad things happen to your hero and we feel sorry for them.
Active positive empathy is MUCH stronger than passive positive empathy.
2) POV - this film's opening 5 pages are with Drudge's parents in a courtroom. Not only does this scene take 5 pages to establish what could be done in 1 page. It is confusing - I spent the first 5 pages wondering who the hero of the story was going to be. The mom or the dad? Turns out, neither - it was the son - who wasn't even present.
A simple remedy to this would be to place Drudge in the courtroom watching as his parents argue over who wants him (spoiler - neither want him).
That would make this scene from Drudge's POV and it would elevate the impact of the scene.
Wednesday, 27 March 2019
BLACK LIST 2018 - KING RICHARD
This screenplay landed at #2 on the 2018 blacklist. This was another script that I read without knowing anything about it. I actually skipped over it a couple of times and read other screenplays because I thought this was going to be a rework of a Shakespeare play.
I was wrong.
This script is about Richard Williams - the father of famous tennis players - Serena and Venus.
Right off the bat, there's a lesson to be learned about having a good title for your screenplay. Now, I'm not suggesting King Richard is a bad title, I'm suggesting that it's not the very best.
Your title must suggest the tone of the film - if you're writing a comedy, your title should have a sense of irony or humor to it. If your writing a rom-com it needs to convey that. If you're writing a horror your title should reflect the dark horror tone.
I actually read Get Home Safe first from the 2018 blacklist because I liked the title.
The title of your screenplay is the introduction to your story - the introduction to you your film - choose your title carefully, give it as much consideration as you do every other aspect of your film.
SUMMARY
This story follows the formative years of Serena and Venus' tennis careers. It is mostly focused on Richard, their father and the incredible lengths he went to in order to break through into this predominately rich white sport.
Richard faces racism and hatred from every angle, but the tenacity with which he perseveres is borderline insane.
We all know how this story ends - Serena and Venus become world-class tennis players and are still playing to this day at the highest level. Something that is rarely, if ever seen in any other players at that level.
This story is not about their success, but more about how Richard navigated the predatory world of elite child athletes.
Without getting into spoilers - this screenplay kicks ass on pretty much every level and is highly deserving of its position at #2 on the 2018 blacklist.
CONCEPT
The concept here is superb. A dedicated father risks his life to give his two daughters a chance to become prodigal athletes.
This is a very clever way to approach a biopic. Rather than focusing on the athletes themselves, Serena and Venus - the writer has found the more interesting story - and the more relatable story - a parent doing anything they can to give their children a chance to succeed.
CONCEPT RATING 9/10
CONCEPT TIP
There is a direct correlation between the reliability of your concept and your film's success.
If your concept is about a man obsessed with creating the world's most perfect brick, you're going to have a hard time selling that. There are not many people out there who are excited about creating a perfect brick. Whereas, almost every single parent can relate to going above and beyond to give your children that extra step up in life.
The more relatable your concept - the more likely your film will succeed.
FORM
Form is beautiful here. The writing is very clean - I didn't spot one typo or syntax error. The sentences are clean and well written. The writer doesn't talk to the reader, the writer only writes things that can be seen on the screen.
If anything, the script is a little overwritten. It could be trimmed back by about 15% and still tell the same story effectively - but that's a matter of taste. I prefer lean scripts that read fast. Some readers like to have all the finer details written out for them.
FORM RATING 9/10
FORM TIP
You can always cut 10%. Once you have your finished draft, once you have locked in your scenes, your dialogue and you're ready to send your script out to professionals - take a week away from your script - then come back to it with the intent of trimming 10% from it. I've very rarely read a screenplay that couldn't lose 10% of the writing and still tell just as good a story.
STRUCTURE
Structure here was perfect as well. How do I know that? Because Richard has a flaw. At first, I thought that this was going to be another biopic where the hero has no flaw - the story simply follows Richard's efforts to give his daughters a chance to become elite athletes. I thought that all the conflict was going to come from the external elements - but I was wrong. At around page 15 we become aware of a turmoil within Richard he must overcome to succeed.
Good structure is directly related to your hero's flaw. Without a flaw, there is no inner journey. No inner journey means you've only got an external story. That's only half a story. The other half is internal.
STRUCTURE RATING 9/10
STRUCTURE TIP
Make me love your hero BEFORE you show me their flaw. The writer here is obviously very aware of the need to make me fall in love with the hero before you reveal their negative side.
If you show me your hero's negative side THEN you try to get me to like them, it's an uphill battle.
CHARACTERS
Characters here are nearly perfect. We're focused on Richard for the entire story - with Venus and Serena coming a close equal second. Each character has unique personality traits and none of the secondary characters outshine the hero.
CHARACTERS RATING 8/10
CHARACTER TIP
Make sure that each character has their own feel. Make sure that none of the characters are cliches or tropes. A mistake that a lesser writer would likely have made in this biopic would be to focus too much on Serena and Venus. Instead the story stayed focused on Richard and his ordeal. If you're writing a biopic, be careful not to lose focus of your original objective - don't write two or three biopics in one. Choose your hero and stay focused on telling their story.
DIALOGUE
Dialogue here is good, it's not exceptional. There was no character that jumped off the page and really felt like their dialogue was extremely well written. But at the same time, there was no On The Nose dialogue. It also didn't feel like dialogue was overwritten.
DIALOGUE RATING 7/10
DIALOGUE TIP
There is a fine line to walk when writing dialogue. You don't want to write ON THE NOSE - where everything is said literally. But at the same time, you don't want to write everything too cryptically.
Record a conversation you have with a good friend. Don't let them know you're recording it. Then write it down later verbatim. What you'll see is that dialogue chops and changes naturally. A question will go unanswered for a minute then randomly it will be answered at a later stage in the conversation. Often people insinuate what they're feeling rather than directly say it. It's a great exercise that is highly worth doing.
VOICE
Voice here is not as pronounced as yesterday's script - Get Home Safe - this writer is far more seasoned. That's clear because there are almost no rules broken. This script is a great example of a successful screenplay BECAUSE the writer follows the screenwriting rules.
In this instance, the writer has a strong voice because the sum of all the elements of the screenplay are equally strong.
Right away you know the writer knows what they're doing and the confidence of their writing makes the reader let go of being critical and go along for the ride.
VOICE RATING 8/10
VOICE TIP
There are two parts to VOICE. There's the sum of all the individual parts of the screenplay - then there's the X factor. You can't teach or learn X factor. X factor is your writing personality. Just like in real life, everyone has a personality, some better than others. The same is true for writing. Instead of focusing on X factor, focus on the elements you know you can control - all the individual aspects of your screenplay. If you get the concept right, if your form is great, if your characters and their dialogue feel real, if your structure is centered around your hero's flaw and you pump your script with empathy - then your voice will come across as very strong.
PRODUCTION
This film is Oscar bait. Actors love roles that could potentially win them awards. This film is period - in that it is not set in contemporary times, and while the budget would get a mild pump because of that, setting the film in the late '80s is much easier and cheaper than setting it in the 1700s.
I'd give this film a minimum budget of $20m, but if the right team was behind it, it could easily do five times that at the box office.
SUMMARY
A great film that succeeds on every level.
One thing I do want to point out here is that this film has bucket loads of empathy beats in the open 5 pages. We see Richard literally risking his life warring with local gang members just so his daughters can use the local tennis courts for practice.
I can not stress the importance of EMPATHY beats enough.
SUMMARY TIP
Go to the script you're working on right now and inject 10 empathy beats for your hero in the first 20 pages. If you've got a solid empathy beat every two pages for the first 20 pages you will hook your reader and pull them into your story.
I was wrong.
This script is about Richard Williams - the father of famous tennis players - Serena and Venus.
Right off the bat, there's a lesson to be learned about having a good title for your screenplay. Now, I'm not suggesting King Richard is a bad title, I'm suggesting that it's not the very best.
Your title must suggest the tone of the film - if you're writing a comedy, your title should have a sense of irony or humor to it. If your writing a rom-com it needs to convey that. If you're writing a horror your title should reflect the dark horror tone.
I actually read Get Home Safe first from the 2018 blacklist because I liked the title.
The title of your screenplay is the introduction to your story - the introduction to you your film - choose your title carefully, give it as much consideration as you do every other aspect of your film.
SUMMARY
This story follows the formative years of Serena and Venus' tennis careers. It is mostly focused on Richard, their father and the incredible lengths he went to in order to break through into this predominately rich white sport.
Richard faces racism and hatred from every angle, but the tenacity with which he perseveres is borderline insane.
We all know how this story ends - Serena and Venus become world-class tennis players and are still playing to this day at the highest level. Something that is rarely, if ever seen in any other players at that level.
This story is not about their success, but more about how Richard navigated the predatory world of elite child athletes.
Without getting into spoilers - this screenplay kicks ass on pretty much every level and is highly deserving of its position at #2 on the 2018 blacklist.
CONCEPT
The concept here is superb. A dedicated father risks his life to give his two daughters a chance to become prodigal athletes.
This is a very clever way to approach a biopic. Rather than focusing on the athletes themselves, Serena and Venus - the writer has found the more interesting story - and the more relatable story - a parent doing anything they can to give their children a chance to succeed.
CONCEPT RATING 9/10
CONCEPT TIP
There is a direct correlation between the reliability of your concept and your film's success.
If your concept is about a man obsessed with creating the world's most perfect brick, you're going to have a hard time selling that. There are not many people out there who are excited about creating a perfect brick. Whereas, almost every single parent can relate to going above and beyond to give your children that extra step up in life.
The more relatable your concept - the more likely your film will succeed.
FORM
Form is beautiful here. The writing is very clean - I didn't spot one typo or syntax error. The sentences are clean and well written. The writer doesn't talk to the reader, the writer only writes things that can be seen on the screen.
If anything, the script is a little overwritten. It could be trimmed back by about 15% and still tell the same story effectively - but that's a matter of taste. I prefer lean scripts that read fast. Some readers like to have all the finer details written out for them.
FORM RATING 9/10
FORM TIP
You can always cut 10%. Once you have your finished draft, once you have locked in your scenes, your dialogue and you're ready to send your script out to professionals - take a week away from your script - then come back to it with the intent of trimming 10% from it. I've very rarely read a screenplay that couldn't lose 10% of the writing and still tell just as good a story.
STRUCTURE
Structure here was perfect as well. How do I know that? Because Richard has a flaw. At first, I thought that this was going to be another biopic where the hero has no flaw - the story simply follows Richard's efforts to give his daughters a chance to become elite athletes. I thought that all the conflict was going to come from the external elements - but I was wrong. At around page 15 we become aware of a turmoil within Richard he must overcome to succeed.
Good structure is directly related to your hero's flaw. Without a flaw, there is no inner journey. No inner journey means you've only got an external story. That's only half a story. The other half is internal.
STRUCTURE RATING 9/10
STRUCTURE TIP
Make me love your hero BEFORE you show me their flaw. The writer here is obviously very aware of the need to make me fall in love with the hero before you reveal their negative side.
If you show me your hero's negative side THEN you try to get me to like them, it's an uphill battle.
CHARACTERS
Characters here are nearly perfect. We're focused on Richard for the entire story - with Venus and Serena coming a close equal second. Each character has unique personality traits and none of the secondary characters outshine the hero.
CHARACTERS RATING 8/10
CHARACTER TIP
Make sure that each character has their own feel. Make sure that none of the characters are cliches or tropes. A mistake that a lesser writer would likely have made in this biopic would be to focus too much on Serena and Venus. Instead the story stayed focused on Richard and his ordeal. If you're writing a biopic, be careful not to lose focus of your original objective - don't write two or three biopics in one. Choose your hero and stay focused on telling their story.
DIALOGUE
Dialogue here is good, it's not exceptional. There was no character that jumped off the page and really felt like their dialogue was extremely well written. But at the same time, there was no On The Nose dialogue. It also didn't feel like dialogue was overwritten.
DIALOGUE RATING 7/10
DIALOGUE TIP
There is a fine line to walk when writing dialogue. You don't want to write ON THE NOSE - where everything is said literally. But at the same time, you don't want to write everything too cryptically.
Record a conversation you have with a good friend. Don't let them know you're recording it. Then write it down later verbatim. What you'll see is that dialogue chops and changes naturally. A question will go unanswered for a minute then randomly it will be answered at a later stage in the conversation. Often people insinuate what they're feeling rather than directly say it. It's a great exercise that is highly worth doing.
VOICE
Voice here is not as pronounced as yesterday's script - Get Home Safe - this writer is far more seasoned. That's clear because there are almost no rules broken. This script is a great example of a successful screenplay BECAUSE the writer follows the screenwriting rules.
In this instance, the writer has a strong voice because the sum of all the elements of the screenplay are equally strong.
Right away you know the writer knows what they're doing and the confidence of their writing makes the reader let go of being critical and go along for the ride.
VOICE RATING 8/10
VOICE TIP
There are two parts to VOICE. There's the sum of all the individual parts of the screenplay - then there's the X factor. You can't teach or learn X factor. X factor is your writing personality. Just like in real life, everyone has a personality, some better than others. The same is true for writing. Instead of focusing on X factor, focus on the elements you know you can control - all the individual aspects of your screenplay. If you get the concept right, if your form is great, if your characters and their dialogue feel real, if your structure is centered around your hero's flaw and you pump your script with empathy - then your voice will come across as very strong.
PRODUCTION
This film is Oscar bait. Actors love roles that could potentially win them awards. This film is period - in that it is not set in contemporary times, and while the budget would get a mild pump because of that, setting the film in the late '80s is much easier and cheaper than setting it in the 1700s.
I'd give this film a minimum budget of $20m, but if the right team was behind it, it could easily do five times that at the box office.
SUMMARY
A great film that succeeds on every level.
One thing I do want to point out here is that this film has bucket loads of empathy beats in the open 5 pages. We see Richard literally risking his life warring with local gang members just so his daughters can use the local tennis courts for practice.
I can not stress the importance of EMPATHY beats enough.
SUMMARY TIP
Go to the script you're working on right now and inject 10 empathy beats for your hero in the first 20 pages. If you've got a solid empathy beat every two pages for the first 20 pages you will hook your reader and pull them into your story.
Tuesday, 26 March 2019
BLACK LIST 2018 - GET HOME SAFE
This screenplay landed at #3 on the 2018 blacklist. I went into the read not knowing anything about it. I've given up watching trailers nowadays as I find they give away too much of the film.
While loglines definitely have their place, there is something refreshing about going into a screenplay having no idea what you're about to read, other than a possible genre suggestion given by the title of the film.
Now, from the title alone I guessed this was a horror. And I feel like this would be pitched as a horror if it were to be made, but here's the thing, this screenplay is anything but a straight forward horror.
In fact, this script is anything but ordinary. It breaks pretty much every rule there is in screenwriting, but it somehow works. Let's dive into why I came away from this script moved by the story.
SUMMARY
I don't want to get into too much detail about the story here as to do so would mean giving away some serious spoilers. The film spans just one night, Halloween in Manhattan. We meet our hero - Skylar, at her home - a small studio in Spanish-Harlem Manhattan. As she readies herself for an evening out she speaks with her mom who lives in Texas. Her mom is enduring radiation therapy for cancer. Soon after, Skylar leaves the house to go and meet her friends. On the journey there she is sexually accosted both verbally and physically by various men.
It being Halloween everyone is dressed up in crazy outfits, it's the kind of night that a real psychopath could walk the streets freely and go unnoticed. She happens to meet one of these - a muscular young man wearing only his underpants and wearing a baby-mask.
Skylark meets her best friend at a bar and some other good friends, they drop Molly (MDMA) and go from bar to bar getting progressively drunker. But everywhere Skylar goes, this man-baby seems to be there. It's almost as though he's following her. Stalking her.
The story question becomes, as the title suggests - will Skylar get home safe, or not?
Before I dive into the analysis of this script, context is very important.
As I mentioned, this script is anything but ordinary. The first two pages are a letter from the author to you, the reader. They talk about the writer, Christy Hall, and her previous accomplishments, a screenplay that she wrote called Daddio. I know nothing about Daddio, but having read this script I'd like to read it. In her preamble, Christy talks about how Daddio was thought to be unapologetically written by a woman for women. There was no consideration for the male audience. When asked to re-write it with a more male-friendly slant she vehemently refused.
She then goes on to justify her screenplay, writing that it was not written for a male audience, that it is written by a woman with only a female audience in mind. She makes no apology for her film being targeted only toward women. This screenplay is unapologetically feminist.
The reason I detail this here is that it changes my break down of this script.
This screenplay is written by a woman, dealing with real things that women endure on a daily basis.
Let's look at...
CONCEPT
On surface level, the concept here is pretty damn weak.
Young woman in Manhattan is stalked by a deranged young man. That is not a fresh idea. But here's the thing. It is the execution of this concept that elevates this script. The concept here could more correctly be distilled to - the firsthand experience of a woman enduring sexual harassment on multiple levels as she simply tries to enjoy a night out with her friends.
I just realized that there are two aspects to this concept.
There is the horror element - young woman stalked through Manhattan on Halloween.
Then there is the drama element - young woman stands up to sexual harassment on a night out in Manhattan.
If you removed the drama element to this concept it wouldn't hold much water. But because this script is so much more than the simple horror vehicle concept, because this film is not exploitative of women, because it is an exercise in looking at a majorly messed up aspect of modern society - sexism - the concept works.
CONCEPT - gets two ratings here - 2/10 for the surface level concept - and 9/10 for the deeper aspect of the concept and what it really is.
CONCEPT TIP
No matter what genre you are writing your screenplay, thriller, horror, sci-fi, comedy, musical, etc... at its core your story must be a strong drama. If you are writing a story in any of these genres I strongly suggest you stop focusing on the GENRE aspect of your story - and focus (at first) on getting the human element of your story as perfect as you can. What really connects an audience with a film is the 'human element' - if you don't have well-developed characters going through a genuinely emotional journey of understanding your film will feel 2d and it won't connect with your viewers.
FORM
Again, this script falls into two categories. The writer, Christy Hall breaks all the rules. She talks directly to the reader. Her scenes go on and on. She does a huge NO-NO by writing a two-page introduction of herself and the story you're about to read. She uses BOLD for her slug lines. She over describes things like hell. She directs the camera. On a surface level, this script's form is all over the place.
BUT....
Here's the thing, this script is the exception to the rule. Christy has representation, good representation. When you are on the inside, getting your work seen is much easier. Producers and industry people look at your work differently. If you're managed by a big agency, your work comes with a stamp of approval. People stop looking at the finer details of your script - such as how well it's written and focus more on STORY. What is the core of the story here? Can we take that core and develop it into something powerful?
FORM RATING - surface level it gets a 5/10 - but when you consider that this script is trying to break rules and is already an 'insider' script, then the low form rating doesn't really undercut the screenplay’s chance of success.
FORM TIP
Learn the rules before you break them. There are dozens of screenwriting rules. It is fine to break them, but it's important to be AWARE that you're breaking them. While this script is unlike anything I've read in a long time, it is so in a good way. Don't assume that just because you break the rules that your script will seem unique and brilliant. Odds are it won't. Odds are it will look like you don't really know what you're doing.
STRUCTURE
The structure here is waaaaay off the typical hero's journey. As far as I can tell the main character has NO FLAW. When your hero has no flaw it makes structure difficult. There's no real inciting incident here at all. You might say that Skylar meeting the SHADOW (the man dressed as a baby) is the inciting incident, but that doesn't really test her flaw, as Skylar has no flaw. There is a significant event that changes Skylar's life, (being the basic definition of an inciting incident) but that doesn't occur until after page 50.
I would say that structure is this script's biggest weakness. If this screenplay followed a little more of a traditional hero's journey it could really elevate the story.
STRUCTURE RATING - 4/10 - the structure here is way off.
STRUCTURE TIP - It is fine to break the rules! It is fine to not follow the traditional hero's journey structure! In fact, often times it is great when a story veers off track and your structure becomes UNPREDICTABLE! There's nothing worse than knowing ahead of time how a story is going to go. If at the 20-minute mark you guess the next five major beats of the film and you're right, that film quickly becomes boring as hell!
BUT here's the thing. Like I said before, LEARN THE RULES BEFORE YOU BREAK THEM, so you know when you're breaking the rules. If not, your script will come off as looking like you never really understood how a well-structured story is supposed to be.
CHARACTERS
One of the great aspects of this screenplay is that the characters are all very real. Even the SHADOW is realistic. The mom seems very real and the best friend is very real. The one thing that really helps this script overcome its shortcomings is that its characters are firmly grounded in reality.
CHARACTER RATING - 8/10
CHARACTER TIP
One of the main problems with a lot of screenplays is that the characters come across as PHONEY. They come across as tropes. A trope is a cliché. The Jock football player. The dumb bimbo. The Asian computer hacker. Etc. You get the idea. You should never write in tropes. You should never write in clichés. Always try to ground your characters in reality as much as you can. The more real your characters feel the more realistic your story will feel.
DIALOGUE
The dialogue here is good. It is very real. But my biggest concern is there’s far too much. The opening scene where Skylar is chatting with her Mom goes on for 10 pages. While it reads fast, I remember thinking, okay, I get it, I get that she has this really strong relationship with her mom and that her mom has cancer.
To improve the dialogue here I would want the fat trimmed. Not a huge cut, as the 'chatty' nature of the dialogue here, is part of this script's charm, but I would love for it to be made 30% tighter.
DIALOGUE RATING 7/10
DIALOGUE TIP
Know what it is you are doing in each scene. Then write dialogue around those beats. When you have two characters just chatting it is easy for you to think that it is great dialogue as it might read really fast. But one minute of reading time goes much faster than one minute of watching dialogue that has no real point or direction. For those out there who want to do a test of this - a great exercise is to write two versions of a scene. Write one that is 5 or 6 pages long, then trim that scene back to a 2-page scene. Make sure that you are getting all the main points of interest across in both scenes, then get in touch with some half decent actors and film them doing both versions of the scenes. When you watch them back you will come to see just how boring excessive dialogue is.
VOICE
I may as well go straight to the rating for this aspect of the script. 10/10
Christy breaks all the rules but she has a voice so strong that you almost forget the screenplays mistakes. You certainly forgive it far more than you would any other script.
Voice is very hard to quantify. I've said that it is the sum of all the aspects of your script, which is true, but there is also that X factor that is impossible to quantify. And whatever that X factor is, Christy has it in buckets.
PRODUCTION
This film could be made fairly cheaply. I imagine around the $5million mark would get you an A-lister female and decent production value.
The thing about this script is it is not reliant on budget. You could shoot a $50,000 version of this film with an up and coming actress that wants a big break, and you would still have a great film on your hands. Would it be the same as if Emma Stone played the lead - hell no - but still, this script is a great example of writing for those people out there who are fed up with rejection after rejection and want to prove their abilities by making their own damn film. Getting $50k to fund a film is infinitely easier than getting $5m. Because this film is essentially a horror there is a wide range of festivals that would jump at it.
PRODUCTION RATING - 9/10
PRODUCTION TIP
If you're looking to break in as a director, producer or writer this kind of script is perfect. It's not reliant on an A-lister, it's not reliant on a huge budget, but it's not just a boring drama. It’s a horror with a powerful message at its heart. There is a HUGE audience for films like this out there, and even if you only do a half decent job, a film like this will open doors for you, your team and your future projects.
SUMMARY
While this screenplay is rough and raw and it really doesn't follow many of the screenwriting rules - the voice, the characters, the dialogue and the unique feminist angle of this film elevate it far beyond its shortcomings.
I highly recommend this script to those that get a chance to read it.
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