What an interesting script this was. I don't think I've ever read a script that did so much so right and so wrong all at once.
This script came in at #9 on the 2018 blacklist.
STORY SUMMARY
Chris Wylie is the creator of a 'psychographic' coding software that analyses facebook likes and purports to know more about your habits than you do.
In the UK he's hired by a nefarious company with no moral compass. He ends up harvesting data from FaceBook and using this information to specifically target the users and change their opinions.
At first, Chris is happy that his software is being used and that it's working - really well.
Using the algorithm he has created, the company Cambridge Analytica, are able to influence FaceBook users and the way they think, act, consume and most importantly vote.
Chris soon realizes that his software is being used for horrible purposes. Elections in Kenya are being swayed and won by campaigns of 'misinformation.'.
His software is used with great success in the 2014 US election midterms. And also in 2016 to elect president Trump.
Chris finally takes a stand and goes to the Guardian and New York Times with his story. That FaceBook allowed third-party App developers to harvest their users' information and use it to make huge sums of money and sway elections across the planet.
CONCEPT
This concept is a strange one. While it is a very important story - highlighting corruption in elections across the world and just how amoral FaceBook is - it is very rare that a politically motivated film ever does well at the box office.
Imagine someone saying, 'what's Analytica about?' and the reply being, 'A guy who created software code that mined FB data and used it micro-target people and sway elections.'
How many people do you think would want to go and see that movie?
Not many.
Which is really sad.
This story is literally about the misuse of private information to sway elections. It's the sort of shit the Nazi propaganda minister Joseph Goebbels would have given his right arm to use.
It's fucked up and that's putting it politely. That this is legal goes to show just how corrupt politics are around the world. In particular in America.
The problem with this concept is it just wouldn't get bums in seats. It wouldn't sell tickets.
CONCEPT RATING 2/10 or 8/10
2/10 for selling tickets - 8/10 for being a very noble story, well worth telling.
CONCEPT TIP
If you are writing a story that will be a hard sell, something that is important yet isn't an instant ticket seller - then you have to make sure your execution of the story is exceptional.
Unfortunately - the execution of this story is weak.
Let's look at why...
VOICEOVER
Voice over is fine. I love a good voice over - but moderation is the key. There is so much voiceover in this script that it felt more like a monologue than a screenplay. A vast majority of the screenplay is Chris telling us what happened by voice over.
Movies are engaging when things are HAPPENING - that way you are SHOWING your story.
When you have a character narrate the story it becomes less a movie and more an audiobook with moving pictures.
VOICEOVER TIP
Excessive use of voice over is cheating. Sometimes you have a convoluted story point that is difficult to show and much easier to just say. Sometimes that is fine. Sometimes it's a crutch, but sometimes using a crutch is fine.
Sometimes...
When your script is 30% voice over, you know you're overusing the device.
STRUCTURE/FLAW
Structure is another huge problem for this script. It's literally a beat for beat recount of Chris' life until he whistle-blows on the company he helped create.
Chris doesn't really have a flaw.
Flaw is key to structure. Without a flaw to overcome, your hero is only facing external elements. Without a flaw, you only have half a story.
Some might argue that his flaw is that Chris is egotistical - that he creates this software even though he knows it will likely be used for nefarious purposes. But I'd say that egotism isn't a flaw here as it doesn't hold him back from achieving what he wants to achieve.
STRUCTURE/FLAW RATING 6/10
I give structure a 6 as the story does move along, there are things happening - it's just that there is no flaw. No inner journey.
STRUCTURE/FLAW TIP
How to identify your hero's flaw.
Identify what they want most in the world.
Now identify their personality trait that is stopping them from achieving their ultimate goal?
That is your flaw.
CHARACTERS & DIALOGUE
All this script's characters were exceptional.
Same with dialogue. The dialogue and characters here I can't fault. Except to say perhaps that there is a little too much dialogue. This script could handle a 15% trim and you would have a much tighter script telling exactly the same story.
CHARACTERS & DIALOGUE RATING 9/10
CHARACTERS & DIALOGUE TIP
Have your character say what they're thinking.
In life, you are constantly in situations where you think something but you don't say it for fear of being inappropriate.
When you have a character say what they're thinking you end up with some really exciting moments.
Why?
People love honesty.
Honesty trumps all else.
When we hear someone say it how it really is we have huge amounts of respect for them for not sugar coating it.
It works the same in screenplays.
When you have a character say something you wouldn't expect to hear then you have an interesting piece of dialogue.
When a character says what you would expect them to say in a given situation - that gets boring quickly.
Always try to surprise your reader. A great way to do this is by having your hero speak their mind. No matter how awkward that may be.
EMPATHY
There's not a huge amount of active positive empathy for Chris in this script.
There's a lot of passive positive empathy - which is where we feel sorry for him because bad stuff happens to him.
Passive positive empathy only goes so far.
What really connects an audience with your movie is when your hero goes out of their way to do good things for other people.
That is the very best way to make your hero and consequently your film likable.
EMPATHY RATING 6/10
EMPATHY TIP
Make me like your hero BEFORE you show me their flaw. If I already like someone I'm far more inclined to forgive them their flaw. If the first thing you show me about a character is their flaw, then you've got an uphill battle to get me to like them.
SUMMARY
This is a story that deserves to be told. Unlike many stories out there the premise here affects everyone alive today.
That's not hyperbole either. American elections are rigged. That's been proven in a court of law. The DNC - Democratic National Committee - confessed in court that they can choose who they want to represent them regardless of who voted in the primaries.
The American voting system - known as the electoral college - has twice elected a president who got the least amount of votes.
That is not a democratic system.
This story needs to be told, but in its current form, it will not reach a very wide audience or make money.
It needs to trim down the use of voice over. Add empathy - add a flaw, and create more of a sense of urgency and raise the stakes.
While it is implied that Chris' life is in danger if he goes to the press, we never really get to see that danger.
Friday, 5 April 2019
Thursday, 4 April 2019
BLACK LIST 2018 - WORST GUY OF ALL TIME
This script came in at #8 on the 2018 blacklist.
It's best described as a sci-fi time-travel comedy.
This script was a haaaaard read. It's one of those scripts that are really heavily written. The writing is great, there's just too much of it.
PLOT SUMMARY
We open in 2076 and the future is an apocalyptic wasteland. The Duke is a tyrant dictator of the entire world. Dixie has been sent to kill him. Which she does. But then she dons a travel backpack and goes back in time to kill The Duke before he became the evil tyrant that he is, in the hope that it will restore peace to the world.
When Dixie gets back to 2018, she tries to kill Barrett, the man who will become The Duke, but she can't quite bring herself to, as he hasn't technically done anything bad yet.
There's some serious chemistry between the two, they end up falling for each other and Dixie gets pregnant.
The story question then becomes, can Dixie save the future by saving Barrett and changing him into a good person, or is his death the only way to save the future?
CONCEPT
I'm not really sure what to make of the concept here. I found the idea of the story tiring. I feel that there is an audience out there for this kind of time traveling comedy, it's just that I'm not that audience.
When looking at a script I try to remove my own personal tastes and look at it as objectively as I can. I'm not a massive fan of rom-coms - but I'm very aware that there are huge numbers of people out there who love them.
I wonder how many people out there want to watch a time travel comedy? I feel like the concept here would find an audience on Netflix, but I'm don't think people would pay money to see this at the cinema.
CONCEPT RATING 7/10
CONCEPT TIP
The concept here is clever. It's well executed. My only real comment on this concept is whether or not it would find a large enough audience to justify the budget required to make this film.
EMPATHY
Reading this script was an uphill battle. It took me a long time to read it. I didn't enjoy the read. If I wasn't reading it to do a review of it, I would have given up on it a long time ago. There's no way I would have finished it.
As I was about to force myself to read it for the third time, I wondered why I wasn't enjoying the read. The story is well written, and it's very, very clever.
Then I realized that I didn't like either of the two lead characters.
Barrett/The Duke is a horrible person. But, he's written as a horrible person. It's all part of his character.
Then Dixie, while she has 'good intentions' (save the future) there's no solid empathy beats to MAKE me like her.
The opening scene is a battle sequence that ends in Dixie killing Barrett.
There's nothing there for me to connect to. There's no REASON to like her. She doesn't risk her life to save anyone, she doesn't go out of her way to be kind to anyone.
There's lots of action but there's no emotional connection between the audience and Dixie.
If the writer made an effort to CONNECT me to Dixie, if he showed her doing kind and loving things toward other people I would have had more empathy toward her and consequently I would have been more invested in the story.
EMPATHY RATING 3/10
EMPATHY TIP
Awesome fight sequences get really boring, really quickly. The more screenplays I review the more I come to understand the importance of creating EMPATHY for your hero. The two scripts that I have really connected with recently have had HUGE amounts of empathy for the hero.
King Richard is by far the most empathetic hero I've read in a long time. It's hard to not want to read a story about a father who literally risks his life just so his daughters can use a tennis court to practice on.
Altruism is the highest form of empathy there is.
FORM
The writing here is superb. The humor is great. The formatting is really good.
My only real comment is this script read like molasses. It was a slow, slow read. I feel like the writer is clever enough to write this script with a third fewer words. That would've made the read a hell of a lot more enjoyable.
FORM RATING 8/10
FORM TIP
Lean, lean, lean. Being able to tell a story in the most concise form possible is a really powerful skill set.
Take a sentence that is 15 words long. Then re-write it so it's only 10 words long. Most of the time this is possible. If you can do that you're saving 30%!
Your script will read sooooo much faster and be so much more enjoyable.
CHARACTERS & DIALOGUE
Characters are great. Dixie is well drawn and so is Barrett. All the minor characters are very well written as well. They're very different from each other.
Dialogue is also great. The humor is really good and very self-referential.
CHARACTERS & DIALOGUE RATING 8/10
CHARACTERS & DIALOGUE TIP
Make sure you don't underwrite your minor characters. This doesn't mean you have to develop whole sub-storylines for every character you write, but the more developed all your minor characters are the more real and well written your script will be.
VOICE
The writer here has a solid voice. He has a great sense of humor, his characters are all very well written and dialogue is fantastic.
While this script doesn't work for me, I would definitely consider working with this writer. If I had a concept that I loved I'm sure that he would be able to write in any genre to a very high standard.
VOICE TIP
Your script doesn't necessarily need to get made for you to break in. If you write a script that a lot of people love that demonstrates your writing ability, it can be a great sample piece that can get you writing jobs.
I often say that the strength of your overall voice is dependant on how well you execute each individual aspect of your script. The stronger each element, the stronger your overall voice will be.
PRODUCTION
This film would have a hard time making money. It's sci-fi with all the expensive elements, futuristic wasteland, etc, action sequences, and immense fight sequences, but I'm just don't think there's enough of an audience out there waiting to spend money on going to see a time-traveling comedy.
As a producer, I wouldn't put money into this script.
SUMMARY
An extremely well-written script that shows off the writer's talents. His only mistake was the lack of empathy for his two lead heroes. Fix that part of the script and it would be hard to fault this screenplay.
Tuesday, 2 April 2019
BLACK LIST 2018 - COBWEBS
Cobwebs landed at #7 on the 2018 blacklist. I really can't tell why it landed so high. This screenplay is a really, really mediocre horror.
It's almost as though the writer wasn't even trying. There's a lot wrong with this script. Let's look at what elements are done well and what elements are lacking in their execution so we can learn to write better screenplays.
PLOT SUMMARY (Spoilers)
Peter, an eight-year-old boy lives in a scary house on top of a scary hill with his mother and father. He hears sounds in his wall at home.
At school, he gets so annoyed with a bully he pushes him down stairs and puts him in hospital.
He's expelled from school. His mother teaches him at home. While at home he discovers that his mother and father keep his sister in the wall. No explanation given.
Peter kills his parents, gets the keys and frees his sister, only to find out that she is a killer herself.
Yup, that's about it.
There's no clever twist here, there's no clever character development.
CONCEPT
I'm not even sure what the concept is? - A young boy with abusive parents becomes a killer and ultimately a victim of his sibling?
I'd defy anyone to write a decent logline about this story that was actually true to the plot.
CONCEPT RATING 1/10
CONCEPT TIP
I don't think this story actually has a concept. Every other script that I've reviewed in the past week has had a clearly identifiable concept.
This script read like a series of jump scares. I love horror films, but I find jump scares cheap. It's ok to use them as a device, but to have an entire script based on one jump scare after another is pretty weak.
When horror works well it is because it gets into your psyche - it gets into your head. When there's no real plot it's hard to get involved in the story.
Try to make sure you have a clearly defined concept. When you have trouble writing a clear and concise concept for your script then you know from the outset that your story needs more development.
GOAL
This is a huge problem for this script. There is no goal. Peter isn't really trying to do anything. Now, when he first hears tapping in his wall, you'd think the story goal would be to find out what's causing the tapping. But other than being scared by the tapping, Peter doesn't really investigate. Life continues as normal as he tries to convince himself the tapping isn't there.
He doesn't realize there is someone in the wall until much later on in the script. When he realizes it's his sister in the wall, he has a goal - to get her out - but here's one of the really annoying things about the writing here - just when he's about to set her free he has a change of heart. No reason, just like that he decides, nah, I'm not gonna set her free. Which, really, is just stupid.
A huge lack of a clearly defined goal here meant this script is not focused.
GOAL RATING 2/10
GOAL TIP
The goal of the story feeds into the structure of the story. You know when your first act ends and your second act starts by the GOAL. When your goal is established and your hero has set about achieving that goal - that's when act 1 ends and act 2 begins. It's a very clear structure signifier.
Make sure you have a clearly defined goal set by page 25.
LOGIC
This is something that was a problem for yesterday's script as well. There were logic errors. Now, it's fine that this script is a weird horror. The realism of your screenplay comes down to how you create the world of your story. So I bought into the parents being weird, sadistic folk, and I bought into the really minimal world created here. But what I didn't buy into was the execution of the central premise.
Peter's sister is locked in the wall of their house because she has been 'naughty' and it is her punishment.
That's fine. It's weird, but I'm on board with this as it's part of this freaky horror.
But what isn't logical is - she's been in there how long? Years? I'm guessing, from what I can deduce from the story. Peter' sister has been locked in the wall for years and only now is she gently tapping on the wall at night.
Why is it only now that Peter is hearing her?
Why is the sister only tapping gently?
If you'd just been trapped in a wall, wouldn't you kick and scream and try to get out?
If the parents don't want Peter to find out about the sister in the wall why did they put her in the wall of Peter's bedroom? A place in the house where he is MOST likely to hear her.
Later on in the script, the sister starts talking with Peter and yelling to be let out.
Why did this happen later on in the script and not at the start of the script?
There's no logic to all these decisions other than they made for a more suspenseful opening to the story.
And that's the mistake. It doesn't matter how weird and whacky your story is, it still needs to make sense and be logical within the parameters you've created.
LOGIC RATING - 1/10
LOGIC TIP
Make sure that your story is logical within the confines of the world that you create. Don't write a beat in your story just because it's kinda cool. It needs to be kinda cool AND make sense.
FORM
This script comes in at 98 pages. great page length. No worries there. The writing is very sparse. The writer puts an entire space between each line. That's fine if the writing is so well done that every small sentence is filled with action and description.
While I like screenplays that are sparsely written, I feel this script is too sparse. If it were condensed it would be a 60-page script.
There's not a lot of meat to this story.
There are a handful of spelling mistakes. There's no excuse to have ANY spelling mistakes in your script. While spelling mistakes aren't a death card to a script, they certainly detract from the perceived ability of the writer.
FORM RATING 7/10
FORM TIP
There is a very fine line between a verbose script and an under-written one. The best way to find that Goldilocks zone is to read as many screenplays as you can. The more you read, the more you will see what works best.
Word count is a good way to decide if your script is over or underwritten.
Take a dozen scripts you felt that were really well written and look at their word count. Then look at the word count of scripts that felt too heavily written and the same for underwritten scripts. You will soon find a happy medium that works for you.
STRUCTURE
There really isn't any discernible structure here.
There's no real goal.
There's no real sense of a ticking clock.
And while the stakes are life and death, it doesn't feel like this is enough to make the story feel like it's constantly moving forward.
The structure here is way off as Peter doesn't have a flaw. He's scared of a noise in the wall and he is abused by his parents, but that's all OUTTER journey stuff. There is no inner flaw holding Peter back. There's no inner detrimental personality trait that he needs to overcome before he can overcome the outer journey problems he faces.
STRUCTURE RATING 2/10
STRUCTURE TIP
To have a clear structure you need a clear flaw and a clear goal. When your script lacks both, your script's structure will be waaaaay off.
VOICE
The voice here is so-so. The writing is ok, and it is a fast read. The opening hook works, it draws you into the story, but after that opening 20 pages, there's not much substance to the story.
There is a definite eerie tone to the whole script, which I'm guessing is one of the reasons it made it so high on the Black List.
The story is very dark, and while it does have a lot of cool moments that could be genuinely scary, it's main fault is a huge lack of structure. When you don't have a clear structure to your story, it simply feels like it is a series of scenes playing together that are loosely connected.
This detracts from the story in general and it also weakens the perception of your 'voice'.
POV
Another huge mistake this film makes is the constantly changing point of view. The story is mostly told from Peter's POV. But we often switch POV to one of his parents or his teacher's POV.
In the grand finale of the film we stop following Peter and stay with his teacher for about 5 pages - that's a huge amount of time to be away from our hero.
POV RATING 3/10
POV TIP
For your script to be a successful FEATURE FILM - write your entire story from your hero's POV. It's ok to cut away to your SHADOW's POV occasionally, just to see what they're up to, you can get away with that, but when you start changing your POV to the smaller characters you lose the vicarious connection you've been creating between your audience and your hero.
CHARACTERS AND DIALOGUE
Characters were all quite tropey, and the dialogue was really simplistic.
I don't mind minimal dialogue, but when you're choosing to write minimal dialogue, try to make it as impactful as you can.
DIALOGUE TIP
If your audience knows something has just happened, don't write the next scene where a character tells another character what just happened. You're wasting the audiences time.
PRODUCTION
If you made this current version of the script for under $1m then you could maybe make money. If you got a really good director and some halfway decent actors I can see it finding a die-hard horror audience.
But if you want this script to be successful on a grander scale - this script will need to do what The Ring did and actually have an emotional story at its heart. It will need for the hero to have a flaw and for all the ancillary characters to be much better written.
Oh, and a goal wouldn't go astray either.
As a producer, I wouldn't put money into this film in its current form.
In fact, I wouldn't even put an option down and get a re-write done, this is a solid pass for me.
TITLE
A good title should suggest the tone of the film and intrigue the reader.
This film is called COBWEB.
I'll leave this one up to you to decide. Does the title suggest the tone of this film and does it inspire you to know more about it?
SUMMARY
I don't know what's going on with the blacklist for 2018. So far, from what I've reviewed, over 50% are woefully executed. Some had great ideas poorly done, while others, such as today's entry has a weak concept, also poorly done.
I'm starting to wonder about the quality of the blacklist if this is what is making it to the upper rungs.
It's almost as though the writer wasn't even trying. There's a lot wrong with this script. Let's look at what elements are done well and what elements are lacking in their execution so we can learn to write better screenplays.
PLOT SUMMARY (Spoilers)
Peter, an eight-year-old boy lives in a scary house on top of a scary hill with his mother and father. He hears sounds in his wall at home.
At school, he gets so annoyed with a bully he pushes him down stairs and puts him in hospital.
He's expelled from school. His mother teaches him at home. While at home he discovers that his mother and father keep his sister in the wall. No explanation given.
Peter kills his parents, gets the keys and frees his sister, only to find out that she is a killer herself.
Yup, that's about it.
There's no clever twist here, there's no clever character development.
CONCEPT
I'm not even sure what the concept is? - A young boy with abusive parents becomes a killer and ultimately a victim of his sibling?
I'd defy anyone to write a decent logline about this story that was actually true to the plot.
CONCEPT RATING 1/10
CONCEPT TIP
I don't think this story actually has a concept. Every other script that I've reviewed in the past week has had a clearly identifiable concept.
This script read like a series of jump scares. I love horror films, but I find jump scares cheap. It's ok to use them as a device, but to have an entire script based on one jump scare after another is pretty weak.
When horror works well it is because it gets into your psyche - it gets into your head. When there's no real plot it's hard to get involved in the story.
Try to make sure you have a clearly defined concept. When you have trouble writing a clear and concise concept for your script then you know from the outset that your story needs more development.
GOAL
This is a huge problem for this script. There is no goal. Peter isn't really trying to do anything. Now, when he first hears tapping in his wall, you'd think the story goal would be to find out what's causing the tapping. But other than being scared by the tapping, Peter doesn't really investigate. Life continues as normal as he tries to convince himself the tapping isn't there.
He doesn't realize there is someone in the wall until much later on in the script. When he realizes it's his sister in the wall, he has a goal - to get her out - but here's one of the really annoying things about the writing here - just when he's about to set her free he has a change of heart. No reason, just like that he decides, nah, I'm not gonna set her free. Which, really, is just stupid.
A huge lack of a clearly defined goal here meant this script is not focused.
GOAL RATING 2/10
GOAL TIP
The goal of the story feeds into the structure of the story. You know when your first act ends and your second act starts by the GOAL. When your goal is established and your hero has set about achieving that goal - that's when act 1 ends and act 2 begins. It's a very clear structure signifier.
Make sure you have a clearly defined goal set by page 25.
LOGIC
This is something that was a problem for yesterday's script as well. There were logic errors. Now, it's fine that this script is a weird horror. The realism of your screenplay comes down to how you create the world of your story. So I bought into the parents being weird, sadistic folk, and I bought into the really minimal world created here. But what I didn't buy into was the execution of the central premise.
Peter's sister is locked in the wall of their house because she has been 'naughty' and it is her punishment.
That's fine. It's weird, but I'm on board with this as it's part of this freaky horror.
But what isn't logical is - she's been in there how long? Years? I'm guessing, from what I can deduce from the story. Peter' sister has been locked in the wall for years and only now is she gently tapping on the wall at night.
Why is it only now that Peter is hearing her?
Why is the sister only tapping gently?
If you'd just been trapped in a wall, wouldn't you kick and scream and try to get out?
If the parents don't want Peter to find out about the sister in the wall why did they put her in the wall of Peter's bedroom? A place in the house where he is MOST likely to hear her.
Later on in the script, the sister starts talking with Peter and yelling to be let out.
Why did this happen later on in the script and not at the start of the script?
There's no logic to all these decisions other than they made for a more suspenseful opening to the story.
And that's the mistake. It doesn't matter how weird and whacky your story is, it still needs to make sense and be logical within the parameters you've created.
LOGIC RATING - 1/10
LOGIC TIP
Make sure that your story is logical within the confines of the world that you create. Don't write a beat in your story just because it's kinda cool. It needs to be kinda cool AND make sense.
FORM
This script comes in at 98 pages. great page length. No worries there. The writing is very sparse. The writer puts an entire space between each line. That's fine if the writing is so well done that every small sentence is filled with action and description.
While I like screenplays that are sparsely written, I feel this script is too sparse. If it were condensed it would be a 60-page script.
There's not a lot of meat to this story.
There are a handful of spelling mistakes. There's no excuse to have ANY spelling mistakes in your script. While spelling mistakes aren't a death card to a script, they certainly detract from the perceived ability of the writer.
FORM RATING 7/10
FORM TIP
There is a very fine line between a verbose script and an under-written one. The best way to find that Goldilocks zone is to read as many screenplays as you can. The more you read, the more you will see what works best.
Word count is a good way to decide if your script is over or underwritten.
Take a dozen scripts you felt that were really well written and look at their word count. Then look at the word count of scripts that felt too heavily written and the same for underwritten scripts. You will soon find a happy medium that works for you.
STRUCTURE
There really isn't any discernible structure here.
There's no real goal.
There's no real sense of a ticking clock.
And while the stakes are life and death, it doesn't feel like this is enough to make the story feel like it's constantly moving forward.
The structure here is way off as Peter doesn't have a flaw. He's scared of a noise in the wall and he is abused by his parents, but that's all OUTTER journey stuff. There is no inner flaw holding Peter back. There's no inner detrimental personality trait that he needs to overcome before he can overcome the outer journey problems he faces.
STRUCTURE RATING 2/10
STRUCTURE TIP
To have a clear structure you need a clear flaw and a clear goal. When your script lacks both, your script's structure will be waaaaay off.
VOICE
The voice here is so-so. The writing is ok, and it is a fast read. The opening hook works, it draws you into the story, but after that opening 20 pages, there's not much substance to the story.
There is a definite eerie tone to the whole script, which I'm guessing is one of the reasons it made it so high on the Black List.
The story is very dark, and while it does have a lot of cool moments that could be genuinely scary, it's main fault is a huge lack of structure. When you don't have a clear structure to your story, it simply feels like it is a series of scenes playing together that are loosely connected.
This detracts from the story in general and it also weakens the perception of your 'voice'.
POV
Another huge mistake this film makes is the constantly changing point of view. The story is mostly told from Peter's POV. But we often switch POV to one of his parents or his teacher's POV.
In the grand finale of the film we stop following Peter and stay with his teacher for about 5 pages - that's a huge amount of time to be away from our hero.
POV RATING 3/10
POV TIP
For your script to be a successful FEATURE FILM - write your entire story from your hero's POV. It's ok to cut away to your SHADOW's POV occasionally, just to see what they're up to, you can get away with that, but when you start changing your POV to the smaller characters you lose the vicarious connection you've been creating between your audience and your hero.
CHARACTERS AND DIALOGUE
Characters were all quite tropey, and the dialogue was really simplistic.
I don't mind minimal dialogue, but when you're choosing to write minimal dialogue, try to make it as impactful as you can.
DIALOGUE TIP
If your audience knows something has just happened, don't write the next scene where a character tells another character what just happened. You're wasting the audiences time.
PRODUCTION
If you made this current version of the script for under $1m then you could maybe make money. If you got a really good director and some halfway decent actors I can see it finding a die-hard horror audience.
But if you want this script to be successful on a grander scale - this script will need to do what The Ring did and actually have an emotional story at its heart. It will need for the hero to have a flaw and for all the ancillary characters to be much better written.
Oh, and a goal wouldn't go astray either.
As a producer, I wouldn't put money into this film in its current form.
In fact, I wouldn't even put an option down and get a re-write done, this is a solid pass for me.
TITLE
A good title should suggest the tone of the film and intrigue the reader.
This film is called COBWEB.
I'll leave this one up to you to decide. Does the title suggest the tone of this film and does it inspire you to know more about it?
SUMMARY
I don't know what's going on with the blacklist for 2018. So far, from what I've reviewed, over 50% are woefully executed. Some had great ideas poorly done, while others, such as today's entry has a weak concept, also poorly done.
I'm starting to wonder about the quality of the blacklist if this is what is making it to the upper rungs.
Monday, 1 April 2019
BLACK LIST 2018 - PROMISING YOUNG WOMAN
This script finished at #6 on the 2018 blacklist.
This screenplay was just awful.
I get what the writer was trying to do, but the execution was terrible.
When I was young I wrote a story about a woman overcoming sexual oppression. My English teacher gave me a low mark because the story just wasn't anywhere near realistic.
That sprang to mind as I read this story here. It just wasn't anywhere near realistic. It was like a revenge fantasy written by someone who was very angry.
STORY SUMMARY
Cassandra is a very beautiful 30-year old who lives at home and works at a coffee shop.
She spends her nights going to bars, PRETENDING to be drunk, then going home with guys.
When at their home she confronts them when they try to have sex with her. She reveals she's not drunk at all and tests to see if they still want to have sex with her. Without fail they don't want to have sex as they're embarrassed they were caught trying to have sex with a very drunk girl.
There's a great idea there. But the execution of this is so unrealistic it's almost laughable. For instance, every single guy she goes home with tries to 'rape' her.
That does happen, no argument there, but every single one of them? That strikes me as a little bias. The problem here is that the premise of this script is a generalization. All men are rapists. That's just a horrible premise for a screenplay.
Ironically it is equally as disgusting a premise as all women who wear short dresses and get drunk are sluts.
Cassandra is traumatized by an event from her college days. Her close friend, Nina, was raped. After no one believed her, she committed suicide. Now Cassandra is on a mission to punish men.
CONCEPT
There is a great concept here. Revenge on men who do evil things to women. That is great. And while I commend the author for tackling such a subject as rape in college dorms, something that is prolific across America - I feel that this execution here falls short.
CONCEPT RATING 8/10
CONCEPT EXECUTION 3/10
CONCEPT TIP
Having a great concept isn't enough. You need to deliver on your concept. If the gender roles in this story were reversed, the author would be called misogynist.
FORM
Form isn't great here. There are spelling mistakes littered throughout the script. This script could also benefit from a 15% trim. It comes in at 105 pages but could easily be written in 95 pages.
The writing starts out well, the opening 20 pages are great, but then the quality of the writing falls off in the latter half of the script.
This is a very common phenomenon in screenplays. Why? because very often the writer will edit from page 1, often get distracted, then stop editing around page 50. Then they come back and they read from page 1 again. Very often the first half of the script is well written, but the second half is messier.
FORM RATING 7/10
FORM TIP
Make sure you go over the second half of your script just as much you do the first half.
STRUCTURE
There isn't any real sense of structure here. Cassandra has a good flaw, she is angry that her friend committed suicide because no one believed she was raped in college. And while that anger consumes her and controls her life, she never realizes that. In fact, as the story progresses, her anger multiplies, and she loses control.
I'll try not to do any major spoilers here - but at the end of the film, something major happens. Something unpredictable and horrible. It involves a death. It goes to show just how unhinged Casandra became.
Structure revolves around a hero's flaw and their journey through self-discovery and recognition of the flaw. This script doesn't do any of this. She never self reflects and tries to understand what it is that's holding her back in life, she never admits that her flaw is detrimental to her, she simply holds onto the flaw and allows it to carry her deeper and deeper down the rabbit hole.
STRUCTURE RATING 4/10
STRUCTURE TIP
Giving your hero a great flaw is the first step toward great structure. The next step is having the hero slowly recognize their flaw and try to overcome their flaw. If you give your hero a flaw and then have them embrace their flaw and live off its negative energy, allowing their flaw to control and guide their life, then your structure will be weak.
CHARACTERS & DIALOGUE
The characters here were all overwritten. Not one of them was terribly realistic.
There was the woman scorned.
There was the lover who fell for the woman no matter how bat shit crazy she was.
There was the employer who didn't mind that Cassandra was a bitch to customers and spat in their coffees.
There was the dean of the college who was the obligatory sexist.
There were the countless men in the night clubs who were ALL rapists.
Dialogue here was one-note. Every character spoke with the same cadence, the same style, the same infections, they all had the same wry sense of humor.
CHARACTERS & DIALOGUE RATING 5/10
CHARACTERS & DIALOGUE TIP
Try to ground your characters in the reality of your story. Within the world you create in your screenplay, your characters must feel real. It doesn't matter if you're writing a drama about college rape, or a sci-fi or a horror, whatever the world you create, try to make your characters seem real.
All the characters here felt hyper-real, they all felt like cliches and tropes.
PRODUCTION
This film is listed on IMDB as (FILMING) 2020 with Carey Mulligan attached. I won't be surprised if this film doesn't get made. If it sits in 'production' indefinitely.
It would be a fairly cheap film to shoot. If it was done for around $5m and had biggish names attached such as Carey then it could make money.
My only concern is that in its present form it would come off as man-hating.
SUMMARY
There is a great story very worth telling here. But in its current form it is just too contrived. If there was a solid re-write this film could really find an audience.
THINGS TO IMPROVE ON
There is almost no empathy for Cassandra. She doesn't really do anything to make the reader/viewer like her. When you have an unlikable hero it is an uphill battle to get your audience to engage with your film.
Spoiler -
In the culmination of the film, there is a death. Then immediately those that witnessed the death - but weren't party to causing the death, suggest that they burn the body to get rid of the evidence.
This is just ridiculous. To suggest that a group of men would all immediately become complicit to murder to protect a buddy is straight up sexism.
Flip the coin - imagine a male writer writing the same scenario where one woman accidentally killed a man in self-defense then all her friends are onboard with burning the male body, no questions asked. That would be seen as a sexist and women hating.
Please don't get me wrong. Rape in college dorms is a real issue in America. It is a topic that should be talked about more, I just feel that this execution of the story on this subject falls short. It's a powerful concept that deserves a much better re-write. I hope they do before they make this film so it reaches the widest possible audience and has the most impact it can.
Sunday, 31 March 2019
BLACK LIST 2018 - HARRY'S ALL-NIGHT HAMBURGERS
This script came in at number 5 on the 2018 blacklist.
This script did not work for me on pretty much any level.
It read like an extended version of a Rick and Morty TV show. Only rather than it being a really clever 20-minute episode, it went on and on and on for 111 pages.
Let's see why this script didn't work for me and what we can learn from this.
PLOT SUMMARY
Harry's All-Night Hamburgers follows Andy, a high school student living in a small town. He has many regrets in his life and feels that he isn't living the best version of his life that he could be. He wishes he could start over. Luckily enough, his small town has a hamburger restaurant that is a central hub for universe hoppers - that's people who use a nifty device that allows them to jump from universe to universe. You see the Rick and Morty parallel right?
The main catch with universe hopping is that once you hop, you can never go back to your original universe. You are permanently lost in the multi-verse.
Once Andy takes the leap and hops to another universe he soon wishes he could go back to his old universe - dull or not.
The question should have been - how will Andy get home - but unfortunately this script doesn't actually enact this GOAL until about page 90. Until then, Andy has been searching for his ideal universe. It took him 90 pages to realize that he wanted to go home.
Let's look at the...
CONCEPT
Teenager fed up with current existence hops universes in search of a better self only to realize that he was happiest where he was.
This concept just isn't FILM material. It'd make a great TV episode, or maybe a 60 minute TV movie - or the premise for a TV series - but for a film? No, it just doesn't work.
When you're writing a FILM - you need to think about your story as just that - A FILM. You need to imagine the poster - you need to imagine the demographic of people who would want to PAY MONEY and take the time to go and see your film.
The demographic for this film are 10-year-old boys to say, 22-year-old boys. Maybe a handful of man-childs would like it but other than that you've got a very small demographic.
A really simple way to broaden the demographic for this film would be to make the hero a female. That way you're at least doubling your potential audience.
This film fails the CONCEPT TEST.
CONCEPT RATING - 3/10
CONCEPT TIP
Before investing months of your life into writing a film - think about the final product - think is it actually FILM MATERIAL - or would you be better served writing your story premise in a more suitable format?
FORM
The writing and layout in this script was - OK. But that's the thing - OK isn't good enough. It needs to be exceptional.
This script came in at 111 pages - it could easily have been told in 95 pages.
FORM RATING 7/10
FORM TIP
Trim, trim, trim. Make sure that you're not wasting your reader's time. Go through your script and trim the fat.
CHARACTERS & DIALOGUE
One of the many problems with this script was the generic nature of all the characters and how they spoke. All the characters sounded alike and they were all tropes. Andy was the kid in school that had failed to achieve - his dad was an alcoholic - his mom was sweet and unremarkable - Andy longed for the girl that he never quite had the balls to ask out...
Every character here was a cliche. Except for Harry - he was the high concept part of this story. But even his character felt underutilised.
The dialogue here was really dull also. Every character sounded identical. Characters from alternate universes had this really annoying trait of slightly changing contemporary slang words. It was the sort of cute running gag that an 11-year-old would find funny for about 15 minutes but even then they'd grown bored of it.
CHARACTERS & DIALOGUE RATING 5/10
CHARACTERS & DIALOGUE TIP
Differentiate your characters. Give each character their own personal style and quirks. A great way to do this is by giving them very different ways of speaking.
VOICE
Voice here is dull. I had originally read the first 30 pages of this script, then got sidetracked. When I went back to read it again, I had to start over as I had forgotten the entire first 30 pages. The story here just doesn't pop.
PRODUCTION
If this film gets made it won't make money. The target audience is just too small. This film would require a HUGE budget to make. Minimum of $20m - and I just don't see it making that back. Not when you factor in the advertising budget as well, which is very often equal to that of the production budget.
GOAL
This was a huge problem for this script. The original goal was for Andy to find the 'perfect' universe where he would be incredibly happy.
Thing is, it took Andy 90 pages to realize he was never going to find anything better than his original universe. That's a really long time to realize your mistake.
GOAL TIP
A much better execution of this concept would be to have Andy realize that by page 25. Then his NEW goal would become searching for his way home. Trying to find out who invented this HOPPING device he uses to jump from universe to universe.
STAKES
The stakes here were Andy could be lost in a universe where he was going to be really unhappy. Thing is, he was really unhappy in his first universe. So, what're the stakes? He's gone from unhappy to unhappy. There are no real stakes there.
STAKES TIP
If every time Andy jumps it made him ill, or if in every universe there was some immediate threat to his life, then that would up the stakes. It would mean that his life was literally on the line. When your hero is facing death your audience becomes far more involved in the story.
URGENCY
There was no ticking clock to this story. Andy was simply jumping from universe to universe - at first, he was enjoying the fun of visiting the new worlds - but soon found that for all the fun it wasn't bringing him true joy.
URGENCY TIP
When your story has no ticking clock - it doesn't really matter if things happen today, tomorrow or next week, then your story will lack a sense of pacing. It would have been really easy to add an element of a ticking clock here - perhaps the jumping device had only a certain amount of jumps to it - and Andy had to use his jumps really wisely. But his jump device was unlimited.
To keep your audience engaged - add urgency. The tighter your time frame the better your film will be.
Can you imagine if there was no urgency in the film TAKEN? Can you imagine if Liam had unlimited time to save his daughter? That would have completely destroyed that film.
TAKEN worked BECAUSE Liam had only a few days to save his daughter.
The stakes were very high - she stood to lose her life, and his goal couldn't have been clearer - save his daughter.
There's no guessing why TAKEN was a hugely successful film.
BLACKLIST
Now, this script did find an audience - it did very well on the 2018 BLACKLIST - but just like the Cannes film festival - just because a film plays there (or rates well on the blacklist) it's no guarantee that the film will be successful. There are countless screenplays that have landed high on the black list and never been made. Or if they were made, they weren't successful.
I do screenplay reviews like this because it's good to be able to understand WHY films succeed, and WHY they fail. I sincerely doubt that if this film gets made it will be successful.
The vast majority of people who watch films have never heard of the BLACKLIST - they don't care if the screenplay did really well on some insider list. What they care about is - was the FILM entertaining and was it done well?
SUMMARY
This film failed on many levels. It started with the concept. Then it managed to have no stakes or urgency, and its goal was way off.
There is a much better version of this film that could be written, and that version could potentially find a decent audience, but as it stands I would not invest in this film.
This script did not work for me on pretty much any level.
It read like an extended version of a Rick and Morty TV show. Only rather than it being a really clever 20-minute episode, it went on and on and on for 111 pages.
Let's see why this script didn't work for me and what we can learn from this.
PLOT SUMMARY
Harry's All-Night Hamburgers follows Andy, a high school student living in a small town. He has many regrets in his life and feels that he isn't living the best version of his life that he could be. He wishes he could start over. Luckily enough, his small town has a hamburger restaurant that is a central hub for universe hoppers - that's people who use a nifty device that allows them to jump from universe to universe. You see the Rick and Morty parallel right?
The main catch with universe hopping is that once you hop, you can never go back to your original universe. You are permanently lost in the multi-verse.
Once Andy takes the leap and hops to another universe he soon wishes he could go back to his old universe - dull or not.
The question should have been - how will Andy get home - but unfortunately this script doesn't actually enact this GOAL until about page 90. Until then, Andy has been searching for his ideal universe. It took him 90 pages to realize that he wanted to go home.
Let's look at the...
CONCEPT
Teenager fed up with current existence hops universes in search of a better self only to realize that he was happiest where he was.
This concept just isn't FILM material. It'd make a great TV episode, or maybe a 60 minute TV movie - or the premise for a TV series - but for a film? No, it just doesn't work.
When you're writing a FILM - you need to think about your story as just that - A FILM. You need to imagine the poster - you need to imagine the demographic of people who would want to PAY MONEY and take the time to go and see your film.
The demographic for this film are 10-year-old boys to say, 22-year-old boys. Maybe a handful of man-childs would like it but other than that you've got a very small demographic.
A really simple way to broaden the demographic for this film would be to make the hero a female. That way you're at least doubling your potential audience.
This film fails the CONCEPT TEST.
CONCEPT RATING - 3/10
CONCEPT TIP
Before investing months of your life into writing a film - think about the final product - think is it actually FILM MATERIAL - or would you be better served writing your story premise in a more suitable format?
FORM
The writing and layout in this script was - OK. But that's the thing - OK isn't good enough. It needs to be exceptional.
This script came in at 111 pages - it could easily have been told in 95 pages.
FORM RATING 7/10
FORM TIP
Trim, trim, trim. Make sure that you're not wasting your reader's time. Go through your script and trim the fat.
CHARACTERS & DIALOGUE
One of the many problems with this script was the generic nature of all the characters and how they spoke. All the characters sounded alike and they were all tropes. Andy was the kid in school that had failed to achieve - his dad was an alcoholic - his mom was sweet and unremarkable - Andy longed for the girl that he never quite had the balls to ask out...
Every character here was a cliche. Except for Harry - he was the high concept part of this story. But even his character felt underutilised.
The dialogue here was really dull also. Every character sounded identical. Characters from alternate universes had this really annoying trait of slightly changing contemporary slang words. It was the sort of cute running gag that an 11-year-old would find funny for about 15 minutes but even then they'd grown bored of it.
CHARACTERS & DIALOGUE RATING 5/10
CHARACTERS & DIALOGUE TIP
Differentiate your characters. Give each character their own personal style and quirks. A great way to do this is by giving them very different ways of speaking.
VOICE
Voice here is dull. I had originally read the first 30 pages of this script, then got sidetracked. When I went back to read it again, I had to start over as I had forgotten the entire first 30 pages. The story here just doesn't pop.
PRODUCTION
If this film gets made it won't make money. The target audience is just too small. This film would require a HUGE budget to make. Minimum of $20m - and I just don't see it making that back. Not when you factor in the advertising budget as well, which is very often equal to that of the production budget.
GOAL
This was a huge problem for this script. The original goal was for Andy to find the 'perfect' universe where he would be incredibly happy.
Thing is, it took Andy 90 pages to realize he was never going to find anything better than his original universe. That's a really long time to realize your mistake.
GOAL TIP
A much better execution of this concept would be to have Andy realize that by page 25. Then his NEW goal would become searching for his way home. Trying to find out who invented this HOPPING device he uses to jump from universe to universe.
STAKES
The stakes here were Andy could be lost in a universe where he was going to be really unhappy. Thing is, he was really unhappy in his first universe. So, what're the stakes? He's gone from unhappy to unhappy. There are no real stakes there.
STAKES TIP
If every time Andy jumps it made him ill, or if in every universe there was some immediate threat to his life, then that would up the stakes. It would mean that his life was literally on the line. When your hero is facing death your audience becomes far more involved in the story.
URGENCY
There was no ticking clock to this story. Andy was simply jumping from universe to universe - at first, he was enjoying the fun of visiting the new worlds - but soon found that for all the fun it wasn't bringing him true joy.
URGENCY TIP
When your story has no ticking clock - it doesn't really matter if things happen today, tomorrow or next week, then your story will lack a sense of pacing. It would have been really easy to add an element of a ticking clock here - perhaps the jumping device had only a certain amount of jumps to it - and Andy had to use his jumps really wisely. But his jump device was unlimited.
To keep your audience engaged - add urgency. The tighter your time frame the better your film will be.
Can you imagine if there was no urgency in the film TAKEN? Can you imagine if Liam had unlimited time to save his daughter? That would have completely destroyed that film.
TAKEN worked BECAUSE Liam had only a few days to save his daughter.
The stakes were very high - she stood to lose her life, and his goal couldn't have been clearer - save his daughter.
There's no guessing why TAKEN was a hugely successful film.
BLACKLIST
Now, this script did find an audience - it did very well on the 2018 BLACKLIST - but just like the Cannes film festival - just because a film plays there (or rates well on the blacklist) it's no guarantee that the film will be successful. There are countless screenplays that have landed high on the black list and never been made. Or if they were made, they weren't successful.
I do screenplay reviews like this because it's good to be able to understand WHY films succeed, and WHY they fail. I sincerely doubt that if this film gets made it will be successful.
The vast majority of people who watch films have never heard of the BLACKLIST - they don't care if the screenplay did really well on some insider list. What they care about is - was the FILM entertaining and was it done well?
SUMMARY
This film failed on many levels. It started with the concept. Then it managed to have no stakes or urgency, and its goal was way off.
There is a much better version of this film that could be written, and that version could potentially find a decent audience, but as it stands I would not invest in this film.
Saturday, 30 March 2019
HIT LIST 2017 - DADDIO - SCREENPLAY REVIEW
Daddio is the breakthrough script by Christy Hall - author of Get Home Safe.
After loving Get Home Safe I decided to have a look at her first script.
Daddio is a very unique script. Christy breaks a lot of rules with this script - but less so than in her second script. Oddly enough she follows a lot of rules in this script. I'm not sure if she knows she's breaking the rules though, which is a little dangerous. If you don't know why your script is successful you can't know how to replicate its success.
CONCEPT
The concept here is very simple. A 20 something lady gets a cab ride from JFK to midtown Manhattan. There are a few flashbacks, but 95% of the film is set in the cab. That right there is ballsy. Setting an entire story in a cab is a very hard thing to do, let alone do well.
But the thing is - Christy succeeds. This script is very powerful.
Would this script do well at the box office? Without a big name carrying it - like an actual A-lister - like Emma Stone - I don't think so. It's not a CINEMA EXPERIENCE film. I think it would have a hard time making more than a couple of million at the box office. Now that doesn't mean this couldn't be a successful film.
If the film was made for a low budget - less than $3m - then I can see it doing really well on VOD and Netflix (etc) sales. You could also factor in a short run, limited release at the cinema to boost revenue.
This film has the potential to become the next Frances Ha. A word of mouth style film that goes to cult status and could be a huge launchpad for the two lead actors and director.
CONCEPT RATING - 9/10
CONCEPT TIP
While I'm sure there are many people out there who just don't get this script and its appeal - I think the concept is very clever. It is a very familiar and very relatable concept - having a very deep conversation with an NYC cab driver. I think anyone who has ridden for a long time in a cab in NYC has experienced the unique conversation that can take place between rider and driver. It doesn't even have to be a cabbie in NYC. There are cab drivers all over the world that are equally engaging.
The relatability factor of this film is huge.
Secondly, this story actually follows a pretty solid hero's journey. The lead lady in this story - GIRLIE - has a flaw. She has a huge flaw. She is in love with a married man who is essentially stringing her along and using her for sex.
Throughout the course of the story she needs to learn the errors of her way, and to do this she needs to confront her past, she needs to understand and accept her relationship with her father.
While this might not be a thriller or horror or sci-fi - the premise is so strong it doesn't need genre to carry the story - the base drama is strong enough. A young woman confused in life comes to confront her past and her bad relationship through a conversation with a seasoned cab driver.
Hollywood is looking for EMOTIONAL STORIES. If your story fails to connect with the audience on an emotional level your film is very likely to fail. Especially if you don't have a huge budget to dazzle audiences with special effects.
If your story has a budget of less than $10m, be sure to write a story and characters that will engage your audience's emotions.
Here's the second tip - make it realistic. If you pile on the emotion too much - your audience will check out. Girlie is in a bad situation and she needs help to understand that - but her situation isn't terrible - she's not being abused, she's not being raped or something equally horrific - her pains are real and relatable.
FORM
Form is not Christy Hall's strong suit. She breaks a lot of the screenwriting layout and writing rules. There are form rules in screenwriting for a reason. You are not writing something to be read. You are writing a blueprint of something that will be SEEN. Thus, you must ONLY WRITE THAT WHICH CAN BE SEEN. ALL ELSE IS CHEATING.
Christy's screenplays tend to read as though they're half a novel, half a screenplay. They're laid out like a screenplay - but there is a lot of writing devoted to that which can't be seen.
A lot of the time Christy TELLS you how a character feels. You can do that in a novel - as that's how novels work. When you tell the reader how a character is feeling in a screenplay - sure, the reader knows - but how does that translate to the screen? How does the audience know what emotion your character is feeling? You let an audience know by having your character SHOW their emotions. If they're happy they laugh, if they're angry they physicalize their anger, if they're nervous they start to twitch, look around erratically, nervously, etc...
The best example of Christy's bad form is the opening of this screenplay. Every page of a screenplay represents 1 minute of screen time. Now in this script, it takes Girlie 10 pages (ten minutes) to get into a cab and for the first piece of conversation to take place. that's ten minutes of NOTHING.
Now, a good director and producer will see that 10 minutes of nothing is a death card for this film - and would insist that these first ten pages be covered in 1 page or 1 minute of screen time.
But here's the thing. Christy should know this. She should know that 10 minutes of someone getting from the airport into a cab is really dull and would turn off a lot of viewers.
This script is about 115 pages long. It would only play as an 80-minute film - max. Anything more than 80 minutes and you're outstaying your welcome. That shows that Christy has overwritten this film by 35 pages. That means this script is 30% overwritten.
It's fine to be overwritten a little, but 30% is far too much.
FORM RATING 4/10
FORM TIP
Understand why screenwriting formatting is important. If you're writing screenplays seriously, you need to adhere to the rules as best you can. Don't overwrite, and make sure everything you write CAN BE SEEN ON SCREEN.
STRUCTURE
Structure here is better than in Christy's second script Get home Safe.
Why?
Because in Daddio the hero - GIRLIE - has a FLAW.
When your hero has an inner journey going on as well as an outer journey your audience will be far more involved.
Ironically, Christy doesn't actually have ANY outer journey here. All she's doing is getting home from the airport in a cab. This script is ALL inner journey. There are no external forces getting in Christy's way here. If the cab driver tried to kidnap her then we'd have an outer journey - but that doesn't happen. Christy's story here is about her understanding that her lover is not good for her. That she is engaged in a detrimental relationship.
The structure here is based on the Hero's Journey. We have the ordinary world where Christy has returned home from a trip to her home town to visit her sister, then the inciting incident is being picked up in the cab. WHY is getting picked up an inciting incident? because it is the event that will TEST HER FLAW.
She has met the cab driver - Clark - who is going to challenge her enough to make her realize that she is in a venomous relationship.
I won't break down the entire screenplay according to the HJ - but it does follow the beat structure - loosely.
But loosely is just fine. Following the HJ beat for beat becomes predictable - it's good to take the HJ and use some of it, but not all of it. Or to shuffle the order of the beats to switch your story up and prevent it from becoming predictable.
STRUCTURE RATING 7/10
STRUCTURE TIP
Give your hero a FLAW. When your hero has a flaw, structuring becomes much easier. You have the inner turmoil to come back to. You can show your hero facing decisions and at first, making the wrong decision, then slowly learning their flaw, accepting their flaw and doing what they can to overcome their flaw. i.e - making the right decision.
CHARACTERS & DIALOGUE
There are two main characters here. Girlie (hero) and Clark (mentor). Both are exceptionally realistic.
Both speak in very different ways. Girlie is reserved and speaks in concise sentences. While Clark is verbose and he speaks very harshly.
CHARACTERS & DIALOGUE RATING 9/10
CHARACTERS & DIALOGUE TIP
Differentiate your characters. If Girlie had been just as brash and verbose as Clark this script wouldn't have been half as good. You need contrast in your characters - when they all speak and sound alike your story becomes very one-note.
VOICE
Christy Hall has a huge amount of x-factor. Her voice is exceptional. Her scripts read like nothing else out there. Sometimes that's a bad thing. Here, it is great.
VOICE RATING 10/10
VOICE TIP
Try not to over think your voice. As you write, don't get caught up in worrying about how other people will perceive your writing. Just let your natural writing personality flow onto the computer screen. The less you over think it, the more real and honest your voice will sound.
PRODUCTION
While I don't see this film becoming a HUGE cinema success, there is definitely an audience for this film. The great thing about this script is it could be shot on a budget of around $100k - and you would still have a great film. Up that budget to around the $3m mark and you've got an A-lister working with a break out director and you'll have a VERY successful film on your hands.
PRODUCTION RATING 9/10
PRODUCTION TIP
If you're trying to break into the film world and you want to create your own film then a screenplay like this is exactly what you need.
Honestly, you could shoot this film with a ZERO budget. If you had good enough relations with a micro-film-crew you could turn this into a film without paying anyone.
This is the kind of script/film that would get the creators noticed.
If you're still looking to break in - think INNER JOURNEY - think ultra low budget.
One location, two actors.
The beautiful thing about this script is that it's set in a car in NYC. Often, when people try to come up with once location two actors they set the story in an enclosed space. A warehouse, a room in a house, etc... the problem with this is that it makes for a very dull film visually speaking.
Setting this in a cab - (constantly moving) in NYC - (one of the most visually breathtaking cities on earth) is a stroke of simple genius.
I would invest in this film in a heartbeat.
After loving Get Home Safe I decided to have a look at her first script.
Daddio is a very unique script. Christy breaks a lot of rules with this script - but less so than in her second script. Oddly enough she follows a lot of rules in this script. I'm not sure if she knows she's breaking the rules though, which is a little dangerous. If you don't know why your script is successful you can't know how to replicate its success.
CONCEPT
The concept here is very simple. A 20 something lady gets a cab ride from JFK to midtown Manhattan. There are a few flashbacks, but 95% of the film is set in the cab. That right there is ballsy. Setting an entire story in a cab is a very hard thing to do, let alone do well.
But the thing is - Christy succeeds. This script is very powerful.
Would this script do well at the box office? Without a big name carrying it - like an actual A-lister - like Emma Stone - I don't think so. It's not a CINEMA EXPERIENCE film. I think it would have a hard time making more than a couple of million at the box office. Now that doesn't mean this couldn't be a successful film.
If the film was made for a low budget - less than $3m - then I can see it doing really well on VOD and Netflix (etc) sales. You could also factor in a short run, limited release at the cinema to boost revenue.
This film has the potential to become the next Frances Ha. A word of mouth style film that goes to cult status and could be a huge launchpad for the two lead actors and director.
CONCEPT RATING - 9/10
CONCEPT TIP
While I'm sure there are many people out there who just don't get this script and its appeal - I think the concept is very clever. It is a very familiar and very relatable concept - having a very deep conversation with an NYC cab driver. I think anyone who has ridden for a long time in a cab in NYC has experienced the unique conversation that can take place between rider and driver. It doesn't even have to be a cabbie in NYC. There are cab drivers all over the world that are equally engaging.
The relatability factor of this film is huge.
Secondly, this story actually follows a pretty solid hero's journey. The lead lady in this story - GIRLIE - has a flaw. She has a huge flaw. She is in love with a married man who is essentially stringing her along and using her for sex.
Throughout the course of the story she needs to learn the errors of her way, and to do this she needs to confront her past, she needs to understand and accept her relationship with her father.
While this might not be a thriller or horror or sci-fi - the premise is so strong it doesn't need genre to carry the story - the base drama is strong enough. A young woman confused in life comes to confront her past and her bad relationship through a conversation with a seasoned cab driver.
Hollywood is looking for EMOTIONAL STORIES. If your story fails to connect with the audience on an emotional level your film is very likely to fail. Especially if you don't have a huge budget to dazzle audiences with special effects.
If your story has a budget of less than $10m, be sure to write a story and characters that will engage your audience's emotions.
Here's the second tip - make it realistic. If you pile on the emotion too much - your audience will check out. Girlie is in a bad situation and she needs help to understand that - but her situation isn't terrible - she's not being abused, she's not being raped or something equally horrific - her pains are real and relatable.
FORM
Form is not Christy Hall's strong suit. She breaks a lot of the screenwriting layout and writing rules. There are form rules in screenwriting for a reason. You are not writing something to be read. You are writing a blueprint of something that will be SEEN. Thus, you must ONLY WRITE THAT WHICH CAN BE SEEN. ALL ELSE IS CHEATING.
Christy's screenplays tend to read as though they're half a novel, half a screenplay. They're laid out like a screenplay - but there is a lot of writing devoted to that which can't be seen.
A lot of the time Christy TELLS you how a character feels. You can do that in a novel - as that's how novels work. When you tell the reader how a character is feeling in a screenplay - sure, the reader knows - but how does that translate to the screen? How does the audience know what emotion your character is feeling? You let an audience know by having your character SHOW their emotions. If they're happy they laugh, if they're angry they physicalize their anger, if they're nervous they start to twitch, look around erratically, nervously, etc...
The best example of Christy's bad form is the opening of this screenplay. Every page of a screenplay represents 1 minute of screen time. Now in this script, it takes Girlie 10 pages (ten minutes) to get into a cab and for the first piece of conversation to take place. that's ten minutes of NOTHING.
Now, a good director and producer will see that 10 minutes of nothing is a death card for this film - and would insist that these first ten pages be covered in 1 page or 1 minute of screen time.
But here's the thing. Christy should know this. She should know that 10 minutes of someone getting from the airport into a cab is really dull and would turn off a lot of viewers.
This script is about 115 pages long. It would only play as an 80-minute film - max. Anything more than 80 minutes and you're outstaying your welcome. That shows that Christy has overwritten this film by 35 pages. That means this script is 30% overwritten.
It's fine to be overwritten a little, but 30% is far too much.
FORM RATING 4/10
FORM TIP
Understand why screenwriting formatting is important. If you're writing screenplays seriously, you need to adhere to the rules as best you can. Don't overwrite, and make sure everything you write CAN BE SEEN ON SCREEN.
STRUCTURE
Structure here is better than in Christy's second script Get home Safe.
Why?
Because in Daddio the hero - GIRLIE - has a FLAW.
When your hero has an inner journey going on as well as an outer journey your audience will be far more involved.
Ironically, Christy doesn't actually have ANY outer journey here. All she's doing is getting home from the airport in a cab. This script is ALL inner journey. There are no external forces getting in Christy's way here. If the cab driver tried to kidnap her then we'd have an outer journey - but that doesn't happen. Christy's story here is about her understanding that her lover is not good for her. That she is engaged in a detrimental relationship.
The structure here is based on the Hero's Journey. We have the ordinary world where Christy has returned home from a trip to her home town to visit her sister, then the inciting incident is being picked up in the cab. WHY is getting picked up an inciting incident? because it is the event that will TEST HER FLAW.
She has met the cab driver - Clark - who is going to challenge her enough to make her realize that she is in a venomous relationship.
I won't break down the entire screenplay according to the HJ - but it does follow the beat structure - loosely.
But loosely is just fine. Following the HJ beat for beat becomes predictable - it's good to take the HJ and use some of it, but not all of it. Or to shuffle the order of the beats to switch your story up and prevent it from becoming predictable.
STRUCTURE RATING 7/10
STRUCTURE TIP
Give your hero a FLAW. When your hero has a flaw, structuring becomes much easier. You have the inner turmoil to come back to. You can show your hero facing decisions and at first, making the wrong decision, then slowly learning their flaw, accepting their flaw and doing what they can to overcome their flaw. i.e - making the right decision.
CHARACTERS & DIALOGUE
There are two main characters here. Girlie (hero) and Clark (mentor). Both are exceptionally realistic.
Both speak in very different ways. Girlie is reserved and speaks in concise sentences. While Clark is verbose and he speaks very harshly.
CHARACTERS & DIALOGUE RATING 9/10
CHARACTERS & DIALOGUE TIP
Differentiate your characters. If Girlie had been just as brash and verbose as Clark this script wouldn't have been half as good. You need contrast in your characters - when they all speak and sound alike your story becomes very one-note.
VOICE
Christy Hall has a huge amount of x-factor. Her voice is exceptional. Her scripts read like nothing else out there. Sometimes that's a bad thing. Here, it is great.
VOICE RATING 10/10
VOICE TIP
Try not to over think your voice. As you write, don't get caught up in worrying about how other people will perceive your writing. Just let your natural writing personality flow onto the computer screen. The less you over think it, the more real and honest your voice will sound.
PRODUCTION
While I don't see this film becoming a HUGE cinema success, there is definitely an audience for this film. The great thing about this script is it could be shot on a budget of around $100k - and you would still have a great film. Up that budget to around the $3m mark and you've got an A-lister working with a break out director and you'll have a VERY successful film on your hands.
PRODUCTION RATING 9/10
PRODUCTION TIP
If you're trying to break into the film world and you want to create your own film then a screenplay like this is exactly what you need.
Honestly, you could shoot this film with a ZERO budget. If you had good enough relations with a micro-film-crew you could turn this into a film without paying anyone.
This is the kind of script/film that would get the creators noticed.
If you're still looking to break in - think INNER JOURNEY - think ultra low budget.
One location, two actors.
The beautiful thing about this script is that it's set in a car in NYC. Often, when people try to come up with once location two actors they set the story in an enclosed space. A warehouse, a room in a house, etc... the problem with this is that it makes for a very dull film visually speaking.
Setting this in a cab - (constantly moving) in NYC - (one of the most visually breathtaking cities on earth) is a stroke of simple genius.
I would invest in this film in a heartbeat.
Thursday, 28 March 2019
BLACK LIST 2018 - DRUDGE
This screenplay finished at #4 on the 2018 black list. I knew nothing going into this script. I'm trying to not read loglines so I have no preconception or expectations of what the script will be.
This screenplay is one of the reasons that the Black List is not a BEST OF list, but a MOST LIKED list. What's the difference? Sometimes a script is a fast, fun read, as this script was (kinda) but really, when you put your business hat on, this script would not make a penny.
There are lots of reasons why this script would fail miserably as a film.
The main reason is the concept.
CONCEPT
Drudge is about Mathew Drudge the creator or the Drudge Report. It details how he came from a neglected childhood and created one of the most successful online news websites. The DrudgeReport.com is reportedly worth hundreds of millions of dollars and has more online traffic than the NY Times and Washington Post combined.
That might sound impressive, but here's the thing. Do you want to PAY to go to the cinema to watch a story about a guy who created a successful website?
Some might argue that that's what Social Network (about Facebook) was about and that was a successful film.
Wrong, the creation of Facebook is a story about changing the way people communicate and interact with others online. Facebook has literally changed society in every country across the world.
This story is about a guy who creates a hacky online news website. That's not a concept that's going to excite many people into going to PAY MONEY to go to the cinema.
Now, this film would do ok on Netflix if the right team got behind it.
But as the script stands at the moment, it's rife with mistakes. Let's look at why this script was fun to read but would fail as a film.
FORM
Form is ok here. The writing ok. This story is a comedy and the jokes are ok. There is a lot of excessive writing. This script comes in at 119 pages. You could EASILY tell the same story in 90 pages.
FORM RATING 6/10
FORM TIP
Keep it short and sweet. If you have a scene that's running longer than 3 pages, trim it. If you have a scene that's running longer than 5 pages. Trim it. If your script is around 100 pages, trim it to 95. If your script is 110 pages, trim it to 100. If your script is 119 pages, trim it back to 100 at the very most. Don't waste the reader's time. Readers are your gateway to producers. Make them like you. Write tight material and your script will outshine those that write heavy.
STRUCTURE
This script suffers immensely as Drudge has no flaw. He's not trying to overcome any real inner conflict. He does make the mistake of thinking that the 'liberals' who feed him his news scoops are his friends when really they're using him, but when he finally realizes this, he continues to embrace the same people, because without their inside scoops his website wouldn't be cutting edge. It wouldn't be ahead of the rest.
When you have no flaw, it's very hard to create any real discernible structure. Flaw and structure are intertwined. Sure, you have a story here, stuff happens, but when you don't have a clear structure, the story just seems to ramble on and on without any real goal.
STRUCTURE RATING 4/10
STRUCTURE TIP
Give your hero a flaw and watch your structure evolve. As soon as you have a hero who is trying to make good decisions, but ends up making bad decisions because of his flaw you have a structure. I'm not going to get into the complete Hero's Journey structure here - as that would require pages and pages of writing - so if you don't understand the hero's journey - then you need to teach yourself. Just google it, there are countless websites that break it down into one page.
CHARACTERS & DIALOGUE
This is one of the reasons this script fails. Drudge is not likable at all. All of the other characters are unlikable. When you have a screenplay that has no likable characters you have a very hard, uphill battle to getting anyone to care about your film. Unlikeable characters might work on the page and seem interesting to read about - but when you put the same story up on a screen - your audience will check out if they don't like your hero.
The dialogue here is ok - there's nothing bad about it, but there's nothing exceptional about it. The humor here is really average. Not once did I laugh out loud. Compare that to KING RICHARD - where I actually cried and burst out laughing during the read.
CHARACTER & DIALOGUE RATING 5/10
CHARACTER & DIALOGUE TIP
If you can create characters that actually evoke a genuine emotion (cry, laugh, anger, annoyed, etc) as you read, your script is going to do really well. Think about what makes people laugh out loud. Think about what makes people cry. Inject these elements into your script.
VOICE
Voice here is so-so. It's not a terrible script, but it feels very vanilla. Voice being the sum of all the parts isn't adding up to very much here. The script and concept are at best mediocre.
VOICE RATING 4/10
VOICE TIP
Nail the individual elements of your story and your voice will become stronger, your writing personality will seem more engaging.
PRODUCTION
If I were a producer I would pass on this script. Even if I really enjoyed the read, there is no way in hell this story would make money at the box office. There's just not enough people out there who are interested in seeing a film about a successful news website. The concept is too weak.
PRODUCTION RATING 1/10
PRODUCTION TIP
Don't spend months or years writing a script where the concept isn't strong enough to get people to go to the cinema. If your concept is only strong enough to be on Netflix, work on a concept that's good enough for cinema. There's nothing wrong with Netflix, it's the future of entertainment, but to stand out from the pack your IDEA needs to be strong. This idea is not.
SUMMARY
This film failed on many fronts. Aside from the ones I've written about there were two more main things this script did wrong we can learn from.
1) EMPATHY - there was no ACTIVE POSITIVE empathy beats for Drudge - our hero. All the beats were PASSIVE POSITIVE.
What's the difference?
ACTIVE POSITIVE empathy is when your hero DOES things we love them for.
PASSIVE POSITIVE empathy is when bad things happen to your hero and we feel sorry for them.
Active positive empathy is MUCH stronger than passive positive empathy.
2) POV - this film's opening 5 pages are with Drudge's parents in a courtroom. Not only does this scene take 5 pages to establish what could be done in 1 page. It is confusing - I spent the first 5 pages wondering who the hero of the story was going to be. The mom or the dad? Turns out, neither - it was the son - who wasn't even present.
A simple remedy to this would be to place Drudge in the courtroom watching as his parents argue over who wants him (spoiler - neither want him).
That would make this scene from Drudge's POV and it would elevate the impact of the scene.
This screenplay is one of the reasons that the Black List is not a BEST OF list, but a MOST LIKED list. What's the difference? Sometimes a script is a fast, fun read, as this script was (kinda) but really, when you put your business hat on, this script would not make a penny.
There are lots of reasons why this script would fail miserably as a film.
The main reason is the concept.
CONCEPT
Drudge is about Mathew Drudge the creator or the Drudge Report. It details how he came from a neglected childhood and created one of the most successful online news websites. The DrudgeReport.com is reportedly worth hundreds of millions of dollars and has more online traffic than the NY Times and Washington Post combined.
That might sound impressive, but here's the thing. Do you want to PAY to go to the cinema to watch a story about a guy who created a successful website?
Some might argue that that's what Social Network (about Facebook) was about and that was a successful film.
Wrong, the creation of Facebook is a story about changing the way people communicate and interact with others online. Facebook has literally changed society in every country across the world.
This story is about a guy who creates a hacky online news website. That's not a concept that's going to excite many people into going to PAY MONEY to go to the cinema.
Now, this film would do ok on Netflix if the right team got behind it.
But as the script stands at the moment, it's rife with mistakes. Let's look at why this script was fun to read but would fail as a film.
FORM
Form is ok here. The writing ok. This story is a comedy and the jokes are ok. There is a lot of excessive writing. This script comes in at 119 pages. You could EASILY tell the same story in 90 pages.
FORM RATING 6/10
FORM TIP
Keep it short and sweet. If you have a scene that's running longer than 3 pages, trim it. If you have a scene that's running longer than 5 pages. Trim it. If your script is around 100 pages, trim it to 95. If your script is 110 pages, trim it to 100. If your script is 119 pages, trim it back to 100 at the very most. Don't waste the reader's time. Readers are your gateway to producers. Make them like you. Write tight material and your script will outshine those that write heavy.
STRUCTURE
This script suffers immensely as Drudge has no flaw. He's not trying to overcome any real inner conflict. He does make the mistake of thinking that the 'liberals' who feed him his news scoops are his friends when really they're using him, but when he finally realizes this, he continues to embrace the same people, because without their inside scoops his website wouldn't be cutting edge. It wouldn't be ahead of the rest.
When you have no flaw, it's very hard to create any real discernible structure. Flaw and structure are intertwined. Sure, you have a story here, stuff happens, but when you don't have a clear structure, the story just seems to ramble on and on without any real goal.
STRUCTURE RATING 4/10
STRUCTURE TIP
Give your hero a flaw and watch your structure evolve. As soon as you have a hero who is trying to make good decisions, but ends up making bad decisions because of his flaw you have a structure. I'm not going to get into the complete Hero's Journey structure here - as that would require pages and pages of writing - so if you don't understand the hero's journey - then you need to teach yourself. Just google it, there are countless websites that break it down into one page.
CHARACTERS & DIALOGUE
This is one of the reasons this script fails. Drudge is not likable at all. All of the other characters are unlikable. When you have a screenplay that has no likable characters you have a very hard, uphill battle to getting anyone to care about your film. Unlikeable characters might work on the page and seem interesting to read about - but when you put the same story up on a screen - your audience will check out if they don't like your hero.
The dialogue here is ok - there's nothing bad about it, but there's nothing exceptional about it. The humor here is really average. Not once did I laugh out loud. Compare that to KING RICHARD - where I actually cried and burst out laughing during the read.
CHARACTER & DIALOGUE RATING 5/10
CHARACTER & DIALOGUE TIP
If you can create characters that actually evoke a genuine emotion (cry, laugh, anger, annoyed, etc) as you read, your script is going to do really well. Think about what makes people laugh out loud. Think about what makes people cry. Inject these elements into your script.
VOICE
Voice here is so-so. It's not a terrible script, but it feels very vanilla. Voice being the sum of all the parts isn't adding up to very much here. The script and concept are at best mediocre.
VOICE RATING 4/10
VOICE TIP
Nail the individual elements of your story and your voice will become stronger, your writing personality will seem more engaging.
PRODUCTION
If I were a producer I would pass on this script. Even if I really enjoyed the read, there is no way in hell this story would make money at the box office. There's just not enough people out there who are interested in seeing a film about a successful news website. The concept is too weak.
PRODUCTION RATING 1/10
PRODUCTION TIP
Don't spend months or years writing a script where the concept isn't strong enough to get people to go to the cinema. If your concept is only strong enough to be on Netflix, work on a concept that's good enough for cinema. There's nothing wrong with Netflix, it's the future of entertainment, but to stand out from the pack your IDEA needs to be strong. This idea is not.
SUMMARY
This film failed on many fronts. Aside from the ones I've written about there were two more main things this script did wrong we can learn from.
1) EMPATHY - there was no ACTIVE POSITIVE empathy beats for Drudge - our hero. All the beats were PASSIVE POSITIVE.
What's the difference?
ACTIVE POSITIVE empathy is when your hero DOES things we love them for.
PASSIVE POSITIVE empathy is when bad things happen to your hero and we feel sorry for them.
Active positive empathy is MUCH stronger than passive positive empathy.
2) POV - this film's opening 5 pages are with Drudge's parents in a courtroom. Not only does this scene take 5 pages to establish what could be done in 1 page. It is confusing - I spent the first 5 pages wondering who the hero of the story was going to be. The mom or the dad? Turns out, neither - it was the son - who wasn't even present.
A simple remedy to this would be to place Drudge in the courtroom watching as his parents argue over who wants him (spoiler - neither want him).
That would make this scene from Drudge's POV and it would elevate the impact of the scene.
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