LOGLINE: In 1630s New England, after a dispute with the church of his village, a devout father takes his family to live in the nearby woods where his newborn son is taken by a witch.
WRITER/DIRECTOR: Robert Eggers
SCRIPT BIO: Robert was a production designer and costume designer with no major credits to his name. IMDB has him listed with 15 production design credits mostly of which are short films. This script and the film are his debut as writer/director. The film has strong word of mouth and won the Directing award at 2015 Sundance Film Festival.
STORY:
I won't ruin the story of this film for you. I'll give you the setup then deconstruct the script, but again, in the deconstruction I'll be careful not to give away the story.
Why?
This film sounds incredible. It sounds like a really unique piece of cinema, from a really unique voice. It will be well worth seeing, if not at the cinema, then definitely on VOD.
We meet WILLIAM the father of a family at a special clerical meeting. He wishes to live by the word of the Lord, and he disagrees with the doctrine the local church teaches.
The church clerics decide to banish William and his family from the safety of the city walls, but William is only to happy to leave these heathens to their false practice of religion.
William takes his family - Wife - Katherine, Thomasin - eldest daughter, Caleb - eldest son, Jonas and Mercy - twins, and Samuel their new born baby.
Yeah, there's a lot of names there to remember, but it becomes easy to recall who everyone is pretty quickly.
Thomas is feisty, she has her own way, and is quickly blossoming into woman hood. Her brother Caleb is a little more naive than her, but a good person at heart, learning the way of God from his father.
The twins are young and mischievous, while Samuel is but a new born.
William takes his family deep into the woods of New England. This is a place that has not been touched by the hand of man. Here in the woods, they find a clearing and set about building shelter and a new life from scratch.
We join them some years later when their work is done. William is no fine craftsman by any standard. The houses they have constructed are meagre at the best. They grow corn, but a fungus plagues their crops.
One day, Thomasin is charged with the care of Samuel. During a game of peek-a-boo, she closes her eyes, then when she opens them, Samuel is no where to be seen.
Thomasin then sees a Witch wearing a red riding cape disappearing into the woods. In her arms is Samuel.
I'll leave the story exposition there. Suffice to say that it doesn't play out how you would expect it.
I'll get into that more...
INITIAL REACTION:
If I didn't know that this was such a successful film, I don't think I would have liked the script. This story is incredibly execution dependant. But right from the word go Robert does things differently - he shows that he has a different way of looking at things.
He starts his script with half a page note to the reader about how he envisions seeing this script. That can work in your favor, but it can also work against you. Here, you can see that Robert has a very clear vision for his story. And the most important thing is that he is working against the grain of hollywood films and he's really clear that he KNOWS he's doing that.
A lot of writer/directors will eschew hollywood's rules, but so many don't do it knowingly, they do it through ignorance. There is no ignorance when it comes to this script.
I haven't seen the film yet, but I will do a review in the coming month when I've had the chance to see it.
CONCEPT:
The concept here is actually pretty damn solid. A witch in 1630s New England terrorizes a family trying to live off the land.
It's not the most unique concept - but I'm trying to think of the last horror film that was even close to this idea, and nothing springs to mind.
That's when you know you have a great idea. If your concept sound like something we've seen a million times, BUT WE HAVEN'T - then you're on to something.
The execution of this concept could go in a myriad different directions, but interestingly Robert chose to write the story as if it really happened.
I'll get into his execution of the concept in the structure section.
CONCEPT RATING 9/10
CONCEPT TIP: Just because something SOUNDS like a cliche, doesn't mean that it is. When you're thinking up your film concepts, don't be so quick to dismiss ideas simply because they feel like they've been done before. The Witch sounds like a cliche, but I defy you to name ONE film that is entirely about a family dealing with a witch in 1630s New England.
FORM:
Form really applies to spec screenplays that the writer wishes to sell to a production company.
When you are writing the script and you KNOW you will be directing then there are different form rules.
Typically in a spec you don't direct the actor or the camera. But when writing to direct it's often imperative that you write down your shot choices as you go.
If you're going to do this, my only advice would be to remember that film making is a collaborative effort - you will have to get at least 20 people to read your script if you're going to get it made.
So it's fine to write extra things into your script for yourself, but remember that others will have to read it, so don't bog it down with over direction.
I'd advise writing two versions of the script.
The first being a straight spec script, that you can send around to the heads of departments, then when you have script lock - go through and do another draft, where you visualise the script and write in acting and directing notes.
FORM RATING N/A
FORM TIP: See above.
STRUCTURE:
This is where Robert went waaaaaay off the reservoir. But this is WHY this film works. Had Robert tried to shoe-horn this script into the traditional hero's journey structure, it wouldn't have felt real.
When you move away from the traditional structure you must use different techniques to keep the story moving. In The Witch, Robert uses a great slow build sense of horror and dread.
It almost feels like you're watching a fly on the wall documentary of what it was to be a frontier family in the 1630s.
But this frontier is very different to the wild west frontier. Here there are no open plains and "Indians" (native Americans) there are the wild woods, and out there, just beyond the trees, lives anything and everything your mind if capable of imagining.
STRUCTURE RATING 7/10
STRUCTURE TIP: If you're leaving the hero's journey behind, be sure you understand how to create tension on the scene level.
CHARACTERS & DIALOGUE:
This is where The Witch excels. You can tell that Robert has done a shit load of research and read real accounts from actual documents from the 1630s.
The dialogue is superb. It actually sounds like people would speak back then, and not a made up version of how we think people would speak back then.
The characters are also immensely well rounded and created.
Every character pops off the page.
I found it very interesting also that the Mother of the family is the strongest character. I think many other writers would have written the Father as the strongest, but this family is very much run my the Mother - as most family's are.This creates a fantastic sense of reality.
CHARACTER AND DIALOGUE RATING 9/10
VOICE:
Again, this is where The Witch excels. Even if you don't like this script or film, there's no denying Robert has a HUGE VOICE.
VOICE RATING: 10/10
VOICE TIP: Intelligence. If you approach film making with integrity and intelligence it should shine through. There are sadly far too many people making films and writing them that aren't really in it for the love of film, there doing it "'cause it seems cool."
Real life example - a rich young Russian girl attended my masters in film course. When I asked her why she wanted to do her masters in film, she thought on it a beat then shrugged and said, 'it just sounded cool.'
No word of a lie.
I asked a successful agent why he was in film and he said, "I don't really care about film, I just want to make a shit-ton of money"
Quote-unquote.
PRODUCTION:
This film was made for $3.5USD
In its first week it's done almost $9mUSD
For an indy sundance feature. That's killing it.
SUMMARY:
This film works because of Robert's approach to film making. He cares about film. He cares about the story he wants to tell. He cares about the characters he wants to create.
All that shines through in the finished product.
OVERALL RATING: 9/10
Sunday, 21 February 2016
Thursday, 18 February 2016
DARK PLACES - CRIME/HORROR
LOGLINE: Years after the murder of her family as a young girl, LIBBY DAY investigates the night it happened, discovering far more than she expected.
WRITER: Gilles Paquet-Brenner - Screenplay - Gillian Flynn - Novel.
SCRIPT/FILM BIO: Written in 2012. This was made into a film in 2015 currently holds 6.2 on IMDB, 25% on rotten tomatoes. Stars Charlize Theron, Chloe Moretz
STORY:
In 1985 Libby Day and her older brother Ben survived the murder of their family. Ben was convicted of the murder on the basis of Libby's testimony.
When Libby came of age, she received access to a bank account of $300k, but now she has spent it all and is in no shape for a regular job.
Enter Lyle from the Kill Club. A group of true life murder enthusiasts. They promise to pay Libby if she is willing to investigate the murder - to get testimony from those that were associated with her family and the night of the murder.
While reluctant to open that part of her life again, Libby ultimately accepts and starts on an investigation that will change her life for ever.
INITIAL REACTION:
While the writing is a little dense, I really enjoyed this story. Mostly because of the source material, not so much from the adaptation.
Gillian Flynn really knows how to create characters. I believe this is one of the reasons Gone Girl was so successful. Those characters were incredible. They felt so real and three dimensional.
The structure here is a little different to a normal film as well. There are two time lines. Present day, and the days leading up to the murder back in 1985.
While I really enjoyed this, I kept thinking that this wouldn't make a successful film, simply because of the premise - it's a straight forward murder mystery.
Murder mysteries haven't fared well in the world of film for a loooooong time.
Let's get into it...
CONCEPT:
While incredibly well executed, the concept here is - Survivor of a family murder investigates the night of the murder and discovers not all was as it seems.
That is a realllllly old concept.
Don't get me wrong - Gillian Flynn executes this brilliantly - but when we're looking at this on a concept only basis - this is noting new at all.
Now sometimes the execution of a dull concept can lift it up enough to save it - but in this adaptation, there just isn't enough freshness to get it over the line.
CONCEPT RATING: 4/10
CONCEPT TIP: Don't write whodunits. Don't write murder mysteries. It's not 1960 any more. Unless you can come up with something as cool as SEVEN - it's not going to fly.
FORM:
Aside from slightly dense writing, the form was almost perfect here. A great script to read for formatting guidelines.
FORM RATING 8/10
FORM TIP: Once you have written your script and you are 100% happy with the structure and dialogue - do a 'Thinning pass' where you go through and remove 10% of the words.
Keep the same page count - just remove 10% of the words. Your script will read 10% faster! And it will tell the same story.
STRUCTURE:
Structure here was okay. There was no real sense of urgency at any time. There is a clock hammed into the story at one point, something about needing to get this done within 3 weeks - but there was no real sense of any danger toward Libby at any stage.
Had she unearthed a conspiracy early on and she was the victim of death threats from say page 30 onward, it would have amped the tension but there was nothing like that until late in the 3 act.
The dual time line kept the story moving forward, but the problem with flashing back in time is every time you're in the 1985 world, the present day world has stopped. Unless you can inject tension in the 1985 world it's going to slow the story down.
STRUCTURE RATING: 5/10
SRTUCTURE TIP: Beware flash backs. When used right they are awesome. When they don't hold any tension themselves they hold the story up.
CHARACTERS:
Exceptional. This is where this script excels. Mostly because of Gillian Flynn's source material.
I highly recommend you read this script just to understand what good characters look, sound and feel like.
CHARACTER RATING: 9/10
CHARACTER TIP: Writing your characters in novel form will help you get inside their heads. When you fully understand the psychology of your characters you can then start to write 3D characters in your script. You don't have to write a full novel - try writing a short story with each of your characters in prose form.
DIALOGUE:
Good, but not exceptional. There were no moments when I felt like the dialogue popped off the page. Libby's voice over was the best. It stayed with me far more than any other dialogue. This I believe is because of Gillian's unique style. The voice overs here reminded me of the Gone Girl voice overs.
DIALOGUE RATING 6.5/10
DIALOGUE TIP: Don't just refine your main character's dialogue. Refine all your ancillary players dialogue as well. A lot of writers take the time to develop their hero and leave their other characters half developed.
VOICE:
This is an interesting one. The powerful voice here is of Gillian Flynn. The voice of the script writer isn't terribly pronounced.
VOICE RATING 7/10
VOICE TIP: When adapting, it's important to take the base material and make it your own. Don't just write the previous writer's story into film form verbatim.
Take a look at the adaptation of Q& A into the film SLUM DOG MILLIONAIRE.
HUGE difference between the two works, yet the premise is the same.
PRODUCTION:
Already made into a film with a stellar cast, but it didn't hit because of the dull concept - a straight forward murder mystery.
SUMMARY:
I can see this working incredibly well as a novel. Gillian Flynn is without doubt an exceptional writer.
But this story in the film form just doesn't work as it stands.
OVERALL RATING 6/10
Wednesday, 17 February 2016
SILO - SCI-FI-HORROR
LOGLINE: A team of mix-match military investigators are charged with the mission of investigating a decommissioned radioactive missile silo. What they discover within will change them forever.
WRITER: S. Craig Zahler.
SCRIPT BIO: A spec script that has not yet been green-lit. Mahler wrote and directed Bone Tomahawk.
STORY:
One major problem with this screenplay is just how unfocused it is. In fact, this setup would work really well for a TV show. We spend the first 15 pages meeting all the players.
First there is a zombie like man that gets run over by a woman - this woman never appears in the screenplay again.
MISTAKE 1.
Then we meet a band of specialist army folk who decommission defunct nuclear missiles for a living.
But the thing is, they're not very good at what they do. They're kind of winging it.
Check this killer dialogue out direct from the script for proof...
SOLDIER #1: The silo door is open. On your command, Sir.
BODELL: Did you remove the ballistic actuators?
SOLDIER #1: No one told us to, captain, Sir.
So, you have a team of army specialists de-arming nuclear missiles, who don't know what they're doing.
That's great. That's just great. Very realistic. (Sigh).
After we meet this band of specialists, who I won't name individually as there's no real point, we then meet ROBERT (37) - a military psychologist.
We are introduced to him by one of his patients who has a 2 page speech.
Yep, that's right. A two page monologue from a character, and you know what that monologue has to do with the story?
Zip.
Nada.
Not a thing.
You might think that if a character has 2 pages of dialogue in monologue form that would be an important character.
Not here. You would be wrong, sir, very wrong.
We never meet that character again.
Anyhoooo
Robert - it turns out is the 'main character' - I won't say hero, as he spends the entire film being passive, so there's nothing heroic about him at all.
Robert's wife cheated on him a year ago, and while they're trying couples therapy, it's not really working.
SO there's our character with a flaw. Robert is in a relationship he should get out of.
Well if that's his flaw, surely that flaw must play out in relation to the rest of the story.
Nope.
Not here.
Here, Robert's journey has nothing to do with his flaw.
Yay, let's keep going, this is great. (Sigh.)
For some reason unknown to me, or anyone with a rational mind, Robert is swooped up by the heads of the military to join a crack team to investigate a defunct silo where that zombie from the opening scene emerged from.
Robert joins the crack team of army specialists who don't quit know how to de-arm missiles, and their commander of the mission - an evil man called Gonnenson (50s).
With their team assembled, they soon locate the silo and descend into its murky depths.
What do they discover within?
A slew of zombie like folk who have been locked into the silo for the last 30 years and who have been exposed to 30 years of radioactivity.
This radioactivity didn't kill them, like, you know, radioactivity does.
No, here a set of twin babies have been born in the silo who have tendrils that extend from their head out into and around the silo.
They have telekinetic powers and are hell bent on ruining the lives of anyone that comes into their lair...
Du, du, duuuuuh!
INITIAL REACTION:
WTF.
This script is a great lesson in how not to write a screenplay.
Firstly the writing (while good) is waaaaaaay too detailed. The opening scene takes 5 pages for Mahler to describe, It could take 1 page.
The entire screenplay comes in at 112 pages.
The story it tells could be told in 50 pages.
That's half a script.
When you have half a script being padded and stretched out to the full 112 minutes (remember 1 page is one minute of screen time) then you get a thing I like to call, boring as fuck scenes.
They are scenes that are as boring as fuck to watch. Just in case there was any confusion there.
I mentioned that there is no singular POV in this script.
And that the main character's flaw has nothing to do with the story.
The logic of this story is also just plain stupid.
You're telling me that when Bush decided to de-arm a handful of nuclear missiles, a couple of them got lost in the mix?
I mean seriously?
You can imagine that conversation.
Commander: So, did you get all the missiles done?
Soldier: Yeah, I think so.
Commander: You think so?
Soldier: Yeah, we did like a bunch today, and Tommy's team did a bunch yesterday, and I think Mike did some the other day, so I'm pretty sure we're done.
Commander: How many nuclear missiles have you done in total?
Soldier: Hmmm, hard to say. I mean, we done at least, what, twenty something? The other guys musta done like double that I think? So like, 60 - ish. We mighta missed a couple, but, hey, you know, no biggie if we did, they're just nuclear missiles, not important.
Commander: Okay, that's cool. Thanks for your outstanding work soldier.
You see where I'm going with this.
Let's get this over with...
CONCEPT:
Good horror idea, going into a silo that has radioactive monsters in it. Only the setup and execution here are beyond stupid.
So the base idea is great. That base idea gets...
CONCEPT RATING 7/10
The execution of that idea gets...
CONCEPT RATING: 2/10
CONCEPT TIP:
Coming up with a great idea is half the battle of writing a screenplay that will sell. When you do hit on a cool idea, don't ruin it with a terrible execution. Think through every beat of your story. If it's a feature film you're writing focus on one main character. Tell the story through their eyes, and try to learn even just the very basics of structure. It will help you a lot.
FORM:
Mahler is a good writer, that's for sure. But his writing style suits the novel form. In a screenplay the idea is to get story told in the simplest way you can. Mahler does the opposite, he takes as much time as he can to convey what's happening.
This script is like reading 100 year old lava.
That's right. It's as fluid as rock.
FORM RATING: 4/10
FORM TIP: There are only about 50 formatting rules all together. The main ones are less than 10. it's easy to learn them. Yet you'd be surprised how many people think that so long as they're putting words on the page they're writing a great screenplay. Do yourself a favor, learn the rules - THEN start writing.
STRUCTURE:
What structure?
No that's not entirely fair.
There is an ordinary world of sorts - where we meet all the players.
Then they're all gathered to gather to go on this stupid mission.
So, that's act 1. Sorta.
Then they're in the silo for the rest of the film.
So that's act 2. Kinda.
Then some shit happens and the surviving characters try to run out of the silo.
Which is act 3. Ish.
But typically in act 3, the hero over comes their flaw and goes and defeats the villain. Being that Robert's flaw is that he's in a relationship he should get out of, that flaw has nothing to do with killing radioactive babies, so it's a kinda muddy ending.
The structure here is waaaaay off.
With no flaw to structure the script around, it's basically -- a hodgepodge of people go into a silo. Shit happens. Only a couple make it out.
Boom that's it.
With that in mind...
STRUCTURE RATING: 1/10
STRUCTURE TIP:
Read the books about the hero's journey. There are many great books out there. Find them. Read them. Understand them. THEN write a screenplay.
CHARACTERS:
The best character here was a chauvinistic pig.
Seriously. He was the only one that stood out.
That says a lot about this script right there.
CHARACTER RATING: 2/10
CHRARACTER TIP:
Keep main players to a minimum. We'll care more about them. Sure, Alien had a large cast, but in that film all the characters were really well drawn and unique. We also cared about them all. Here, we don't care about any of them
DIALOGUE:
Again, the only character that had well written dialogue was the misogynist.
All the other characters read like cardboard.
DIALOGUE RATING: 2/10
DIALOGUE TIP: Think through each of your characters. Where they come from, why they speak the way they speak - before you write their dialogue.
VOICE:
Zahler has a voice. This is why he has traction in tinsel town. He's one of those love him or hate him writers.
I think he's a talented writer, if only he'd focus on writing novels.
I'd have more respect for him as a screen writer if he'd even bothered to read one book on how to write a screenplay.
You can tell he has no idea how to structure a screenplay. No idea about empathy. No idea about POV. About the flaw. etc. etc.
To this end I'll give him 2 ratings...
VOICE RATING IF YOU LIKE ZAHLER: 10/10
VOICE RATING IF YOU DISLIKE HIS WRITING: 0/10
VOICE TIP: Voice goes a long way. Zahler is well read by a lot of people in hollywood. His voice is what got him there. It sure as hell isn't his understanding of story in the screenplay form.
PRODUCTION:
If shot on less than 5 mill with an okay cast this could make money.
Why?
The concept is strong enough. You can see the poster. It's easy to sum up when mentioning to a friend.
What's silo about?
A radioactive silo where there's all these weird radioactive monsters and shit.
Problem here is - when people see the film - word of mouth would kill it - why? because the story doesn't deliver on the promise of the concept.
SUMMARY:
A great idea executed poorly.
OVERALL RATING 2/10
WRITER: S. Craig Zahler.
SCRIPT BIO: A spec script that has not yet been green-lit. Mahler wrote and directed Bone Tomahawk.
STORY:
One major problem with this screenplay is just how unfocused it is. In fact, this setup would work really well for a TV show. We spend the first 15 pages meeting all the players.
First there is a zombie like man that gets run over by a woman - this woman never appears in the screenplay again.
MISTAKE 1.
Then we meet a band of specialist army folk who decommission defunct nuclear missiles for a living.
But the thing is, they're not very good at what they do. They're kind of winging it.
Check this killer dialogue out direct from the script for proof...
SOLDIER #1: The silo door is open. On your command, Sir.
BODELL: Did you remove the ballistic actuators?
SOLDIER #1: No one told us to, captain, Sir.
So, you have a team of army specialists de-arming nuclear missiles, who don't know what they're doing.
That's great. That's just great. Very realistic. (Sigh).
After we meet this band of specialists, who I won't name individually as there's no real point, we then meet ROBERT (37) - a military psychologist.
We are introduced to him by one of his patients who has a 2 page speech.
Yep, that's right. A two page monologue from a character, and you know what that monologue has to do with the story?
Zip.
Nada.
Not a thing.
You might think that if a character has 2 pages of dialogue in monologue form that would be an important character.
Not here. You would be wrong, sir, very wrong.
We never meet that character again.
Anyhoooo
Robert - it turns out is the 'main character' - I won't say hero, as he spends the entire film being passive, so there's nothing heroic about him at all.
Robert's wife cheated on him a year ago, and while they're trying couples therapy, it's not really working.
SO there's our character with a flaw. Robert is in a relationship he should get out of.
Well if that's his flaw, surely that flaw must play out in relation to the rest of the story.
Nope.
Not here.
Here, Robert's journey has nothing to do with his flaw.
Yay, let's keep going, this is great. (Sigh.)
For some reason unknown to me, or anyone with a rational mind, Robert is swooped up by the heads of the military to join a crack team to investigate a defunct silo where that zombie from the opening scene emerged from.
Robert joins the crack team of army specialists who don't quit know how to de-arm missiles, and their commander of the mission - an evil man called Gonnenson (50s).
With their team assembled, they soon locate the silo and descend into its murky depths.
What do they discover within?
A slew of zombie like folk who have been locked into the silo for the last 30 years and who have been exposed to 30 years of radioactivity.
This radioactivity didn't kill them, like, you know, radioactivity does.
No, here a set of twin babies have been born in the silo who have tendrils that extend from their head out into and around the silo.
They have telekinetic powers and are hell bent on ruining the lives of anyone that comes into their lair...
Du, du, duuuuuh!
INITIAL REACTION:
WTF.
This script is a great lesson in how not to write a screenplay.
Firstly the writing (while good) is waaaaaaay too detailed. The opening scene takes 5 pages for Mahler to describe, It could take 1 page.
The entire screenplay comes in at 112 pages.
The story it tells could be told in 50 pages.
That's half a script.
When you have half a script being padded and stretched out to the full 112 minutes (remember 1 page is one minute of screen time) then you get a thing I like to call, boring as fuck scenes.
They are scenes that are as boring as fuck to watch. Just in case there was any confusion there.
I mentioned that there is no singular POV in this script.
And that the main character's flaw has nothing to do with the story.
The logic of this story is also just plain stupid.
You're telling me that when Bush decided to de-arm a handful of nuclear missiles, a couple of them got lost in the mix?
I mean seriously?
You can imagine that conversation.
Commander: So, did you get all the missiles done?
Soldier: Yeah, I think so.
Commander: You think so?
Soldier: Yeah, we did like a bunch today, and Tommy's team did a bunch yesterday, and I think Mike did some the other day, so I'm pretty sure we're done.
Commander: How many nuclear missiles have you done in total?
Soldier: Hmmm, hard to say. I mean, we done at least, what, twenty something? The other guys musta done like double that I think? So like, 60 - ish. We mighta missed a couple, but, hey, you know, no biggie if we did, they're just nuclear missiles, not important.
Commander: Okay, that's cool. Thanks for your outstanding work soldier.
You see where I'm going with this.
Let's get this over with...
CONCEPT:
Good horror idea, going into a silo that has radioactive monsters in it. Only the setup and execution here are beyond stupid.
So the base idea is great. That base idea gets...
CONCEPT RATING 7/10
The execution of that idea gets...
CONCEPT RATING: 2/10
CONCEPT TIP:
Coming up with a great idea is half the battle of writing a screenplay that will sell. When you do hit on a cool idea, don't ruin it with a terrible execution. Think through every beat of your story. If it's a feature film you're writing focus on one main character. Tell the story through their eyes, and try to learn even just the very basics of structure. It will help you a lot.
FORM:
Mahler is a good writer, that's for sure. But his writing style suits the novel form. In a screenplay the idea is to get story told in the simplest way you can. Mahler does the opposite, he takes as much time as he can to convey what's happening.
This script is like reading 100 year old lava.
That's right. It's as fluid as rock.
FORM RATING: 4/10
FORM TIP: There are only about 50 formatting rules all together. The main ones are less than 10. it's easy to learn them. Yet you'd be surprised how many people think that so long as they're putting words on the page they're writing a great screenplay. Do yourself a favor, learn the rules - THEN start writing.
STRUCTURE:
What structure?
No that's not entirely fair.
There is an ordinary world of sorts - where we meet all the players.
Then they're all gathered to gather to go on this stupid mission.
So, that's act 1. Sorta.
Then they're in the silo for the rest of the film.
So that's act 2. Kinda.
Then some shit happens and the surviving characters try to run out of the silo.
Which is act 3. Ish.
But typically in act 3, the hero over comes their flaw and goes and defeats the villain. Being that Robert's flaw is that he's in a relationship he should get out of, that flaw has nothing to do with killing radioactive babies, so it's a kinda muddy ending.
The structure here is waaaaay off.
With no flaw to structure the script around, it's basically -- a hodgepodge of people go into a silo. Shit happens. Only a couple make it out.
Boom that's it.
With that in mind...
STRUCTURE RATING: 1/10
STRUCTURE TIP:
Read the books about the hero's journey. There are many great books out there. Find them. Read them. Understand them. THEN write a screenplay.
CHARACTERS:
The best character here was a chauvinistic pig.
Seriously. He was the only one that stood out.
That says a lot about this script right there.
CHARACTER RATING: 2/10
CHRARACTER TIP:
Keep main players to a minimum. We'll care more about them. Sure, Alien had a large cast, but in that film all the characters were really well drawn and unique. We also cared about them all. Here, we don't care about any of them
DIALOGUE:
Again, the only character that had well written dialogue was the misogynist.
All the other characters read like cardboard.
DIALOGUE RATING: 2/10
DIALOGUE TIP: Think through each of your characters. Where they come from, why they speak the way they speak - before you write their dialogue.
VOICE:
Zahler has a voice. This is why he has traction in tinsel town. He's one of those love him or hate him writers.
I think he's a talented writer, if only he'd focus on writing novels.
I'd have more respect for him as a screen writer if he'd even bothered to read one book on how to write a screenplay.
You can tell he has no idea how to structure a screenplay. No idea about empathy. No idea about POV. About the flaw. etc. etc.
To this end I'll give him 2 ratings...
VOICE RATING IF YOU LIKE ZAHLER: 10/10
VOICE RATING IF YOU DISLIKE HIS WRITING: 0/10
VOICE TIP: Voice goes a long way. Zahler is well read by a lot of people in hollywood. His voice is what got him there. It sure as hell isn't his understanding of story in the screenplay form.
PRODUCTION:
If shot on less than 5 mill with an okay cast this could make money.
Why?
The concept is strong enough. You can see the poster. It's easy to sum up when mentioning to a friend.
What's silo about?
A radioactive silo where there's all these weird radioactive monsters and shit.
Problem here is - when people see the film - word of mouth would kill it - why? because the story doesn't deliver on the promise of the concept.
SUMMARY:
A great idea executed poorly.
OVERALL RATING 2/10
Monday, 15 February 2016
THE VEIL - HORROR
LOGLINE: In the vein of The Sixth Sense and The Others, the story is about a young woman who, after her family dies in a tragic accident, immerses herself in the world of psychics and mediums. This soon leads her to a unique academy designed to develop the gifts of students like her. However, as she attempts to lift the veil between the living and the dead, she finds herself brought face to face with a mysterious and terrifying entity.
SCRIPT BIO: 2012 spec from the man who gave us the awesome OCULUS.
WRITERS: MIKE FLANAGAN & JEFF HOWARD
STORY:
ELLIE (20s) shares a unique ability with her brother. For choice of a less corny word, she is a medium. She is able to see events before they happen and connect with the 'other side'.
She saw her family's fate in a vision, but failed to act on it. Thinking that it was nothing more than a hallucination. When it came true and her family died in a horrific car crash she realised she has a power.
At the crash site, Ellie found her brother, who's dying words were, "Stay....away.'
Didn't mean a lot to her at the time, but some years later those two words would make sense.
In the years that followed her family's horrific deaths, Ellie searched for other mediums with which to refine her ability. She encounters nothing but charlatans, until one day she meets KAITLYN. Another 20 something who shares Ellie's ability.
Kaitlin encourages Ellie to enrol at the little known but highly prestigious Brautigan academy - a university for people with their abilities.
At Brautigan, Ellie meets many other 'mediums' - those worthy of note are two guys VAL & BENTLY and the head of the school - MR ABBOT.
Ellie quickly becomes well known at the college because of how well developed her powers are.
At a visit to the school LIGHTHOUSE, Ellie has visions of a horrific fire. She soon learns that in 1880 there was a vast fire that all but destroyed the lighthouse, killing two female students at the time.
Ellie also encounters what she believes to be a ghost that takes the form of an EMBERED WOMAN - a woman that has been burnt all the way through.
Ellie and her cohort of fellow mediums, Kaitlyn, Val and Bently, begin investigating this Burnt Woman and the history of the lighthouse.
What they discover changes their lives for ever.
INITIAL REACTION:
Okay, so today's story summary leaves you on a cliff hanger. But I feel it's worth it, as this script is great, really worth the read and I don't want to ruin the ending for you. It has a twist - not quite as big as the Sixth Sense - but it's definitely up there.
I did not see it coming and it was very satisfying when it did.
Flanagan and his writing partner really have a great grasp of the horror genre.
They're creating stories that chill you, keep you on the edge of your seat, but aren't anywhere near torture porn. Which is wise, as the lower the rating you can get on your horror the more money you will make.
That's the good - now for the bad...
This script reaches very high, but it falls slightly short of what it wants to be.
For example, after the twist - which shall remain untold - there are 2 pages where one of the characters explains what just happened.
It's not necessary. Either the audience gets the twist when they see it, or they don't. I can buy into a little clarifying, but when you literally have a character lay it out in bullet point form it detracts from the story.
CONCEPT:
Concept here is great.
A person with psychic abilities trains at a special school so she can make contact with her dead brother who died before he could tell her something very important.
There's nothing new about a person with psychic abilities, but the school for psychics is a relatively fresh angle.
Adding the mystery angle of 'what did Ellie's brother want to warn her about' was great. It's the third element that helps to lift this concept above average.
CONCEPT RATING 7/10
CONCEPT TIP:
If you're working with a concept that's run of the mill, then you add another element but it's still not a really new angle on the idea, try adding a third aspect to the mix. I'd advise against adding 4 aspects as anything more than 3 would get murky.
FORM:
Form was good, but not perfect.
CAPS were over used a bit in the descriptions. And they used BOLD. Never use bold in a script. Ever. Use CAPS for OBJECTS that are important. Use underlines for actions that are important.
FORM RATING 6/10
FORM TIP: I've said it before, I'll say it again. Buy How Not To Write A Screenplay. It's the best book on screenplay formatting.
STRUCTURE:
Structure was okay here. Not as good as it could be. Ellie didn't really have a flaw. She was interested in developing her psychic abilities so she could get in touch with her brother. But she wasn't reckless about it. If I were to develop this script I'd suggest that Ellie were obsessive about developing her abilities. And that obsessiveness gets herself and others into trouble.
Then we have a flaw that we can develop. As it stands there's no flaw. So structure isn't as guided as it could be.
Then we have a MAJOR POV problem with this script.
It starts off from Ellie's POV. Then when we get to the college, it starts to jump between all the characters, Val, Abbot, Kaitlyn, and Bently.
There's even an entire scene toward the end where Ellie is missing from the story.
When you move the POV around in a script you severe the connection between the audience and the HERO. If we've spent 30 minutes with one character, following their life, then we suddenly start following other people's lives, we're no longer experiencing the film vicariously through that first main character.
This script shifted POV so much it almost became an ensemble film.
Ensemble films only work when ALL of the characters have flaws. Go and watch Paul Haggis's CRASH.
Every character has a flaw that they either do or do not overcome by the end of the film.
Those that don't overcome their flaw end in a really bad way. Those that change, end in a really good way.
STRUCTURE RATING 6/10
STRUCTURE TIP: Focus your screenplay. Find your main character and stay with them until the end.
CHARATCERS
Characters here were good, but not as good as they could be. None of them had a flaw, so none of them were very deep.
Ellie had a horrific past, but none of that seemed to affect her day to day living. She seemed relatively fine with having had her family die in a horrific car crash.
CHARACTER RATING 6/10
CHARACTER TIP: Develop your characters before you write them. If you figure them out as you write they'll come across as cardboard cut-outs.
DIALOGUE
Again, like characters, the dialogue here was good, but not exceptional. None of the characters spoke very differently to the others. There's room for a lot more differentiation between the way they all speak.
You've got characters at a college - you've got people from ALL different walks of life, which could play out well with the way they speak.
VOICE:
Voice here is great. And as I deconstruct this script, I'm noticing that each section of this screenplay is rating lower than I felt the overall rating would be. I'm realising that's because of the strong voice and the surety of the writing style.
VOICE RATING 8/10
VOICE TIP:
Clean and confident writing goes a long way. If you haven't quite developed your characters, the way they speak or your structure, you can still deliver a solid script if you're voice is strong.
That said - a strong voice - WITH well developed characters, structure and dialogue will make for a killer script.
PRODUCTION:
With a little development, I'd definitely put money into this script.
It'd be a $10 mill production. And would almost certainly return money.
Having the great director Mike Flanagan at the helm will only guarantee that.
SUMMARY
A great concept executed in a so-so manner. Some screenplays that are good but not great are hard to move up that next rung on the ladder - but this screenplay wouldn't take very much to get highly polished,
OVERALL RATING 7/10
SCRIPT BIO: 2012 spec from the man who gave us the awesome OCULUS.
WRITERS: MIKE FLANAGAN & JEFF HOWARD
STORY:
ELLIE (20s) shares a unique ability with her brother. For choice of a less corny word, she is a medium. She is able to see events before they happen and connect with the 'other side'.
She saw her family's fate in a vision, but failed to act on it. Thinking that it was nothing more than a hallucination. When it came true and her family died in a horrific car crash she realised she has a power.
At the crash site, Ellie found her brother, who's dying words were, "Stay....away.'
Didn't mean a lot to her at the time, but some years later those two words would make sense.
In the years that followed her family's horrific deaths, Ellie searched for other mediums with which to refine her ability. She encounters nothing but charlatans, until one day she meets KAITLYN. Another 20 something who shares Ellie's ability.
Kaitlin encourages Ellie to enrol at the little known but highly prestigious Brautigan academy - a university for people with their abilities.
At Brautigan, Ellie meets many other 'mediums' - those worthy of note are two guys VAL & BENTLY and the head of the school - MR ABBOT.
Ellie quickly becomes well known at the college because of how well developed her powers are.
At a visit to the school LIGHTHOUSE, Ellie has visions of a horrific fire. She soon learns that in 1880 there was a vast fire that all but destroyed the lighthouse, killing two female students at the time.
Ellie also encounters what she believes to be a ghost that takes the form of an EMBERED WOMAN - a woman that has been burnt all the way through.
Ellie and her cohort of fellow mediums, Kaitlyn, Val and Bently, begin investigating this Burnt Woman and the history of the lighthouse.
What they discover changes their lives for ever.
INITIAL REACTION:
Okay, so today's story summary leaves you on a cliff hanger. But I feel it's worth it, as this script is great, really worth the read and I don't want to ruin the ending for you. It has a twist - not quite as big as the Sixth Sense - but it's definitely up there.
I did not see it coming and it was very satisfying when it did.
Flanagan and his writing partner really have a great grasp of the horror genre.
They're creating stories that chill you, keep you on the edge of your seat, but aren't anywhere near torture porn. Which is wise, as the lower the rating you can get on your horror the more money you will make.
That's the good - now for the bad...
This script reaches very high, but it falls slightly short of what it wants to be.
For example, after the twist - which shall remain untold - there are 2 pages where one of the characters explains what just happened.
It's not necessary. Either the audience gets the twist when they see it, or they don't. I can buy into a little clarifying, but when you literally have a character lay it out in bullet point form it detracts from the story.
CONCEPT:
Concept here is great.
A person with psychic abilities trains at a special school so she can make contact with her dead brother who died before he could tell her something very important.
There's nothing new about a person with psychic abilities, but the school for psychics is a relatively fresh angle.
Adding the mystery angle of 'what did Ellie's brother want to warn her about' was great. It's the third element that helps to lift this concept above average.
CONCEPT RATING 7/10
CONCEPT TIP:
If you're working with a concept that's run of the mill, then you add another element but it's still not a really new angle on the idea, try adding a third aspect to the mix. I'd advise against adding 4 aspects as anything more than 3 would get murky.
FORM:
Form was good, but not perfect.
CAPS were over used a bit in the descriptions. And they used BOLD. Never use bold in a script. Ever. Use CAPS for OBJECTS that are important. Use underlines for actions that are important.
FORM RATING 6/10
FORM TIP: I've said it before, I'll say it again. Buy How Not To Write A Screenplay. It's the best book on screenplay formatting.
STRUCTURE:
Structure was okay here. Not as good as it could be. Ellie didn't really have a flaw. She was interested in developing her psychic abilities so she could get in touch with her brother. But she wasn't reckless about it. If I were to develop this script I'd suggest that Ellie were obsessive about developing her abilities. And that obsessiveness gets herself and others into trouble.
Then we have a flaw that we can develop. As it stands there's no flaw. So structure isn't as guided as it could be.
Then we have a MAJOR POV problem with this script.
It starts off from Ellie's POV. Then when we get to the college, it starts to jump between all the characters, Val, Abbot, Kaitlyn, and Bently.
There's even an entire scene toward the end where Ellie is missing from the story.
When you move the POV around in a script you severe the connection between the audience and the HERO. If we've spent 30 minutes with one character, following their life, then we suddenly start following other people's lives, we're no longer experiencing the film vicariously through that first main character.
This script shifted POV so much it almost became an ensemble film.
Ensemble films only work when ALL of the characters have flaws. Go and watch Paul Haggis's CRASH.
Every character has a flaw that they either do or do not overcome by the end of the film.
Those that don't overcome their flaw end in a really bad way. Those that change, end in a really good way.
STRUCTURE RATING 6/10
STRUCTURE TIP: Focus your screenplay. Find your main character and stay with them until the end.
CHARATCERS
Characters here were good, but not as good as they could be. None of them had a flaw, so none of them were very deep.
Ellie had a horrific past, but none of that seemed to affect her day to day living. She seemed relatively fine with having had her family die in a horrific car crash.
CHARACTER RATING 6/10
CHARACTER TIP: Develop your characters before you write them. If you figure them out as you write they'll come across as cardboard cut-outs.
DIALOGUE
Again, like characters, the dialogue here was good, but not exceptional. None of the characters spoke very differently to the others. There's room for a lot more differentiation between the way they all speak.
You've got characters at a college - you've got people from ALL different walks of life, which could play out well with the way they speak.
VOICE:
Voice here is great. And as I deconstruct this script, I'm noticing that each section of this screenplay is rating lower than I felt the overall rating would be. I'm realising that's because of the strong voice and the surety of the writing style.
VOICE RATING 8/10
VOICE TIP:
Clean and confident writing goes a long way. If you haven't quite developed your characters, the way they speak or your structure, you can still deliver a solid script if you're voice is strong.
That said - a strong voice - WITH well developed characters, structure and dialogue will make for a killer script.
PRODUCTION:
With a little development, I'd definitely put money into this script.
It'd be a $10 mill production. And would almost certainly return money.
Having the great director Mike Flanagan at the helm will only guarantee that.
SUMMARY
A great concept executed in a so-so manner. Some screenplays that are good but not great are hard to move up that next rung on the ladder - but this screenplay wouldn't take very much to get highly polished,
OVERALL RATING 7/10
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