LOGLINE: A group of ex-army infantry soldiers who run a mobile food truck in Vegas must fight back when they are extorted by a local Mexican gang.
WRITER: Wesley K Clark II
SCRIPT BIO: 2016 spec script from Tantillo entertainment and ICM.
STORY:
The story starts well. We find a group of infantry soldiers in the middle of a minefield in Afghanistan. The leader of the pack, Master Sergeant Perry (45), has just activated a trip-wire.
Most people would shit themselves in a situation like this, but not Perry or his band of men. They're unrealistically calm - even when they suddenly come under fire from enemy snipers.
Cut to some time later, a year, maybe two or three, and we're in Las Vegas.
Here, we find out that all the men made it out of that tough situation alive and well.
We join Perry who has just invested everything he has into a mobile food truck.
He's invited all his army buddies to come and work with him, and rather than do something with their own lives, these men stick together and start working on the truck, trying to sell grilled cheese sandwiches.
With me so far?
Pretty exciting stuff huh. (sigh)
They set off into a rough part of town and setup selling their grilled cheeses opposite a Korean food truck.
The Korean food truck is killing it, the queue for their food is a mile long. Our army men aren't having an easy time selling their grilled cheeses.
But slowly over the course of a few days, they start to make money.
Just when things seem to be going well -- a local Mexican gang member tries to hit them up for $500 per week - roughly 10% of their weekly takings.
This happens at around the page 30 mark.
That's right for 30 pages we've watched these army men setup a grilled cheese truck.
Sigh(#2)
Perry and his men go to the local police to report being extorted, but apparently there's no laws against extortion. Sigh(#3).
Things soon escalate, when Perry's son has the shit kicked out of him by another gang member at his school.
Perry then escalates things further by kidnapping the gang member that beat his son and threatens to kill him.
One of Perry's men is then shot in the face by a 12 year old gang member.
Perry and his men then decide to take this gang on head to head in an all out assault.
The question becomes, will violence save the day? Will Perry and his men get away with multiple homicides?
INITIAL REACTION:
I loved the open scene. Or rather, I thought I loved the opening scene, until I saw the way the rest of the script was written and handled.
Then I realised that the opening scene was as corny and unrealistic as the rest of this script.
This script pretty much does everything wrong.
I kept waiting for it to get intelligent - I kept waiting for the great moral of the story to hit me - but there isn't one.
I think Donald Trump would love this film.
It's about ex army vet's killing suburban Mexicans.
I would actually go so far to say this script is borderline racist. It paints Mexicans as black and white evil, and the army vet's as angelic heroes.
It's the sort of story you would expect to come out of the Reagan area.
Even in the ending when the army guys go to take down the 'gangster' - I thought, okay, here we go, this will be where I'm proved wrong - all the army guys will die and it will have been a great big setup leading to a point where the script had a point to make - being "violence doesn't solve anything."
But no.
This script advocates using violence to resolve conflict.
There was nothing intelligent here - it was a pure revenge script - it would make a great addition to the Expendables franchise. Expendable 8 - Grilled Cheese Chaos!
CONCEPT:
Ex army vets setup a grilled cheese food truck and battle local gangsters for turf.
Does not get me excited.
Would you pay money to see this in a cinema? Or does it sound like something you'd maybe catch if you had nothing else to do and it was on Netflix?
I can get behind the kernel of the premise of this idea - army vet's reintegrating with life after being in war. That's a very worthwhile topic.
My problem here is the flag waving, overly patriotic execution of this base idea.
Even with that said, hasn't that idea been done and done? There's just not enough here to justify this being made into a film.
CONCEPT RATING: 3/10
CONCEPT TIP: Put your concepts through the CINEMA TEST. Write down the core concept of your story then ask yourself, if this wasn't your film, would you PAY MONEY to see that in a cinema . And here's the trick to this test - be honest to yourself. It's harder than you think.
FORM:
Form wasn't good here.
It was actually under written. I often complain of over writing - but here we went in the opposite direction. It was so sparsely written, that at times it felt like the writer got bored of writing and wanted to sum up what was happening in the most overly concise way possible.
Bold was also used here. Do not use bold in a screenplay ever. It screams rookie.
There were also instances where the writer write a slugline - then went straight into dialogue. Never do this. Always write a description of what's happening in the scene. Without a description we don't know who is there, and what they're doing.
Really simple stuff.
There were also spelling mistakes galore and often whole words missing from sentences.
FORM RATING: 4/10
FORM TIP: Learn the screenwriting form rules. Read How Not To Write A Screenplay.
STRUCTURE:
Structure was terrible here. I can assure you the writer has no idea what the hero's journey is. None of the characters have an inner journey what so ever.
Everything that happens here is external.
Without an inner journey your structure is going to be weak.
Take the inciting incident - when the gangster tries to extort them - this takes place around page 30.
That's terrible. The inciting incident should happen at around page 10 - 15 at the very latest.
The inciting incident in JAWS happens in the opening scene.
After the inciting incident the story then waffles on for act 2 - until they finally decide to take down the main gangster which is kinda like act 3.
But not really.
When a character doesn't have anything to overcome within themselves, then it's very hard to create an interesting structured story around them.
If anything, Perry actually starts the film with NO FLAW, then develops a flaw throughout the film.
At the start of the film Perry is essentially a law abiding citizen and a pacifist. By the end of the film he is a murderer who advocates the use of extreme violence to resolve conflict.
STRUCTURE RATING: 1/10
STRUCTURE TIP: Learn how to use the Hero's Journey to give your story a second layer. First layer is the external stuff that's happening to your hero. The second layer - the emotional later - is what's happening to your hero inside them. This second layer is what we, the audience engage with and connect to.
CHARACTERS & DIALOGUE:
While there were maybe 10 characters here, really there were only two.
One good guy. And one bad guy.
ALLLLL the army guys spoke the same way. ALLLL the army guys were cardboard cut-outs of each other. I think there was one difference in that one of the army guys didn't want to use violence and one did, but ultimately the one who didn't finally decided that he did.
The 'bad guys' were equally identical.
There was a 12 year old, a 20 year old and say a 35 year old. They were all carbon prints of each other.
Dialogue was also dull as hell. Not one character spoke in a different way to any of the other characters. Except to say that the Mexican gangsters spoke in the single most cliche way imaginable. They finish every sentence with 'Homey'. Just another element of this script that leaned toward stereotypical racism.
CHARACTERS & DIALOGUE RATING: 3/10
CHARACTERS & DIALOGUE TIP: Differentiate your characters. Give them quirks. Give them opposing personalities. Especially when you have a high character count.
When you have a group of 5 or so people together and they all speak and sound the same and all agree with each other - it's going to get boring quickly.
Remember this - DRAMA IS CONFLICT.
Every scene should have conflict. A scene without conflict is boring. Simple as that.
TAKE A LOOK at American Beauty. Almost every single scene in that film has conflict.
Our main character is in conflict with EVERY OTHER character in that film.
His wife hates him, his boss hates him, his daughter hates him, his neighbour's father hates him. That's a great example of conflict driving a story.
Can you imagine that film if he got along with his daughter and wife and boss? Where would that film be now?
VOICE:
Voice suffered here because of --
Weak concept.
Poor form.
Almost no structure.
Carbon copy characters with carbon copy dialogue.
When your script is weak in all these areas your voice is going to come across as weak also.
VOICE RATING: 3/10
VOICE TIP: Break down your screenplay into the elements I do on this blog. Identify the element/s of your script that need work and refine them until each aspect pops.
PRODUCTION:
I wouldn't be surprised if this did end up in the Expendables franchise.
Seriously.
Stranger things have happened.
I would not put money into this film as I don't see a return.
Even if you got major talent behind it, it just doesn't have enough going for it to get bums in seats to make this a profitable film.
It'd be a 20 mill production at least and add to that a $30 mill P&A budget (prints and advertising) then factor in that you need to make 3 times your production budget at the box office to just BREAK EVEN - do you see this film making $150 million?
I surely don't.
SUMMARY:
Poor concept executed weakly.
OVERALL RATING: 3/10
Thursday, 7 April 2016
Tuesday, 5 April 2016
LAST ONE ALIVE - HORROR
Logline: The lone survivor of a masked-slasher massacre attends a remote post-traumatic stress disorder clinic where she meets four other girls who have also survived similar attacks and must fight for her survival when all five of their masked slashers converge on the isolated clinic to kill each other’s “last one alive.“
WRITERS: Shane Krause & Shayne Armstrong
SCRIPT BIO: Spec script sent out in 2016 from Management 360. Adam Marshall, Evan Silverberg.
STORY:
We open on JAMIE FINCH (18) in the throes of horror cliche - she runs through a forrest, chased by a horrific serial killer dressed in a demonic way.
She finds a cabin in the woods (cliche #2) where she battles the demonic serial killer to the end. Or so she thinks.
We cut to some time after the attack and find that Jamie was the last one alive.
But here's the thing, she isn't the only teen to have survived such a horrific serial killer. There's a bunch more girls at a remote clinic that are all 'healing' together after having been the sole survivors of other masked serial killer's sprees.
It's decided that Jamie join them at the clinic to see if she can truly get over the horrors of her past.
We spend some time getting to know the four other girls who describe their own attackers, each more horrific and debauched than the last. We also meet the head doctor - Dr Hill - a beautiful woman, and her assistant - REID (26) - a bookishly hot young man.
There are a series of challenges the girls have to go through as part of their recovery process - mostly they involve confronting their fears, which means confronting life sized effigies of their serial killers.
As you can imagine, things soon gone horribly wrong when not one but ALL of the serial killers turn up at the clinic and start hunting the girls down.
The question becomes - who will survive - who will be the Last One Alive?
INITIAL REACTION:
This one is batshit crazy. Mostly in a good way. It's by no means a perfect script, and there are definitely bullet holes and story execution problems - but for the most part this is a really solid script.
The main thing it gets right is understanding CLICHE.
I reviewed a CIA thriller set in a US embassy recently that was nothing but cliche after cliche. It was as though that writer had no idea of what other films had come before.
Here, the writers use every cliche in the book, but they are AWARE that they're doing so.
Take the trope of The Last Girl Alive. That by its self is a cliche. But when you have 5 girls all together in a clinic who have all been the Last Girl Alive - that's no longer cliche. That's poking fun at the trope of The Last Girl Alive.
I've never seen or heard of a horror story that had 5 Last Girls Alive banding together to fight off their five serial killers.
I haven't even mentioned the twist ending - and out of respect to the script and the writers I won't - other than to say it's great - and although I was quietly hoping this particular twist would be there - it wasn't telegraphed - like some twists are.
Take Shutter Island as a great example of a twist that's telegraphed from the opening scene. It was so obvious what the twist would be that the person I went to see that film said just as we were sitting down - 'God, I hope he's not searching for himself. That would be so lame.'
Before the film had begun, knowing only what we did from the trailer, he had guessed the twist.
CONCEPT:
Knocked it out of the park. 5 Last Girls band together to fight off their 5 serial killers.
That's high concept and just what Hollywood wants - it's something we've all seen before - something we're all familiar with - but there's a fresh angle as there's 5 of them - not just one.
Sooooo simple.
CONCEPT RATING: 9/10
CONCEPT TIP: Take something we've all seen before and find a unique way of looking at it.
FORM:
Form was this scripts weakest point. The writing here wasn't A grade. It was densely written. There were also a lot of things in the script that can't show up on the screen - i.e - what people are thinking or feeling.
It's not good enough to say that Jamie is sad, or angry, or she's thinking unhinged thoughts - you need to SHOW us how Jamie is feeling or SHOW us that Jamie is having unhinged thoughts.
How do you do that? By Jamie's actions. If she's nervous, show her being nervous, show her making nervous mistakes. Don't just say she's nervous.
The script comes in at 111 pages - with some cleaning up it would easily come in at 100 pages.
But here's the thing about form - if you have a killer concept executed in a killer way - form is the first thing agents and producers forgive.
FORM RATING 6/10
FORM TIP: Don't let form hold your script back. Unless you've proven yourself with produced films that have MADE MONEY - don't give readers ANY excuse to dislike your script. The cleaner your writing, the leaner your writing, the less spelling and form mistakes you have - the better your chances of impressing your readers.
STRUCTURE:
This is the second weakest area of this screenplay.
Until the mid point when the killers turn up and cause chaos - there is no goal.
When a film has no goal - it will move slowly.
Here's an interesting thing - while you can READ a script with no goal and be engaged - you'll find that same story when made into a film - will drag like an anchor - why?
For what ever reason, when things are in the written form we have a longer patience than when things are in the visual form.
The second major fault with the structure of this screenplay is the POV.
You would expect or hope to spend around 90-95% of the time with Jamie - but alas - as the script goes on we move more and more away from Jamie.
Now there are times when it's IMPERATIVE that we DON'T see Jamie for the sake of certain reveals and plot points, but there are a lot of times when a moment is happening and it COULD have been from Jamie's POV, but it's not.
Thirdly - I'd need to read the script again - but I'm pretty sure there are some logic inconsistencies.
Take The Nightmare for instance - this is one of the other girl's serial killers - but he moves with super human speed in some scenes.
That's a problem two fold.
One - I thought we were only dealing with humans, no supernatural elements.
Two - consistency - if The Nightmare moves super humanly fast in one scene - then why doesn't he move that fast in another scene?
STRUCTURE RATING: 6.5/10
STRUCTURE TIP:
The more I review scripts the more I notice that heroes often don't have discernible flaws, and scripts often have POV problems and lack goals.
When outlining your next script focus on these three things.
POV - Always have the scene viewed by your hero - UNLESS you HAVE to go away to another character for the sake of story. As a rule, 90% of your film should have your hero in the scene.
GOAL - Always have a goal. It's okay to change the goal. It doesn't HAVE to be one goal from the start to end - in fact it's often better to establish a NEW GOAL around the mid point.
Even if you have to have mini-goals - like in Back To The Future - we all know the opening scene to that film - then Bam! Marty's late to class. He's got to get there on time - it's a goal that drives only a few minutes of the film - but imagine if he didn't have to get to class on time? That opening sequence wouldn't have popped the way it does.
FLAW - Read the Hero's Journey books - understand what a flaw is and why it's important.
CHARACTERS & DIALOGUE:
Dialogue was fast, fun and snappy. It wasn't perfect by any means - and there was some straight up unapologetic expositional dialogue late in the piece where the twist is openly explained to us by a character.
Characters were all pretty well defined. When you have what is essentially an ensemble film - 5 main characters - it's easy for those characters to blend into each other.
Not the case here - they all had their own personalities and really felt well thought out.
Some of the ancillary players seemed under developed - but that's small fry and an easy fix.
CHARACTERS & DIALOGUE RATING: 7.5/10
CHARACTERS & DIALOGUE TIP: If you have a large character count - be sure to differentiate your characters. Lesser writers would have made all the 5 girls seem like cardboard cut outs of each other.
VOICE:
Voice is bat shit crazy here. But it works for what it is - a self aware horror.
Voice could have been better if --
-- The writing were better.
-- Structure issues were fixed.
-- The script were trimmed back.
VOICE RATING: 7/10
VOICE TIP: You can see the way I break down scripts on this blog. Do the same process with your script/s. Give yourself honest ratings in each area, then work on the areas you think are lacking.
A strong voice comes from every aspect of your script being written the very best you can.
PRODUCTION:
I'd put money into this. I'd want a director who cares about the script to direct. I can see this failing if the director just hashed it together.
But if you got a decent talent on board to direct and did another couple of passes on the script fixing the problems I've mentioned, and if it was brought in at the $5mill mark - then this script will make money.
SUMMARY:
A strong concept executed fairly well.
OVERALL RATING: 7.5/10
WRITERS: Shane Krause & Shayne Armstrong
SCRIPT BIO: Spec script sent out in 2016 from Management 360. Adam Marshall, Evan Silverberg.
STORY:
We open on JAMIE FINCH (18) in the throes of horror cliche - she runs through a forrest, chased by a horrific serial killer dressed in a demonic way.
She finds a cabin in the woods (cliche #2) where she battles the demonic serial killer to the end. Or so she thinks.
We cut to some time after the attack and find that Jamie was the last one alive.
But here's the thing, she isn't the only teen to have survived such a horrific serial killer. There's a bunch more girls at a remote clinic that are all 'healing' together after having been the sole survivors of other masked serial killer's sprees.
It's decided that Jamie join them at the clinic to see if she can truly get over the horrors of her past.
We spend some time getting to know the four other girls who describe their own attackers, each more horrific and debauched than the last. We also meet the head doctor - Dr Hill - a beautiful woman, and her assistant - REID (26) - a bookishly hot young man.
There are a series of challenges the girls have to go through as part of their recovery process - mostly they involve confronting their fears, which means confronting life sized effigies of their serial killers.
As you can imagine, things soon gone horribly wrong when not one but ALL of the serial killers turn up at the clinic and start hunting the girls down.
The question becomes - who will survive - who will be the Last One Alive?
INITIAL REACTION:
This one is batshit crazy. Mostly in a good way. It's by no means a perfect script, and there are definitely bullet holes and story execution problems - but for the most part this is a really solid script.
The main thing it gets right is understanding CLICHE.
I reviewed a CIA thriller set in a US embassy recently that was nothing but cliche after cliche. It was as though that writer had no idea of what other films had come before.
Here, the writers use every cliche in the book, but they are AWARE that they're doing so.
Take the trope of The Last Girl Alive. That by its self is a cliche. But when you have 5 girls all together in a clinic who have all been the Last Girl Alive - that's no longer cliche. That's poking fun at the trope of The Last Girl Alive.
I've never seen or heard of a horror story that had 5 Last Girls Alive banding together to fight off their five serial killers.
I haven't even mentioned the twist ending - and out of respect to the script and the writers I won't - other than to say it's great - and although I was quietly hoping this particular twist would be there - it wasn't telegraphed - like some twists are.
Take Shutter Island as a great example of a twist that's telegraphed from the opening scene. It was so obvious what the twist would be that the person I went to see that film said just as we were sitting down - 'God, I hope he's not searching for himself. That would be so lame.'
Before the film had begun, knowing only what we did from the trailer, he had guessed the twist.
CONCEPT:
Knocked it out of the park. 5 Last Girls band together to fight off their 5 serial killers.
That's high concept and just what Hollywood wants - it's something we've all seen before - something we're all familiar with - but there's a fresh angle as there's 5 of them - not just one.
Sooooo simple.
CONCEPT RATING: 9/10
CONCEPT TIP: Take something we've all seen before and find a unique way of looking at it.
FORM:
Form was this scripts weakest point. The writing here wasn't A grade. It was densely written. There were also a lot of things in the script that can't show up on the screen - i.e - what people are thinking or feeling.
It's not good enough to say that Jamie is sad, or angry, or she's thinking unhinged thoughts - you need to SHOW us how Jamie is feeling or SHOW us that Jamie is having unhinged thoughts.
How do you do that? By Jamie's actions. If she's nervous, show her being nervous, show her making nervous mistakes. Don't just say she's nervous.
The script comes in at 111 pages - with some cleaning up it would easily come in at 100 pages.
But here's the thing about form - if you have a killer concept executed in a killer way - form is the first thing agents and producers forgive.
FORM RATING 6/10
FORM TIP: Don't let form hold your script back. Unless you've proven yourself with produced films that have MADE MONEY - don't give readers ANY excuse to dislike your script. The cleaner your writing, the leaner your writing, the less spelling and form mistakes you have - the better your chances of impressing your readers.
STRUCTURE:
This is the second weakest area of this screenplay.
Until the mid point when the killers turn up and cause chaos - there is no goal.
When a film has no goal - it will move slowly.
Here's an interesting thing - while you can READ a script with no goal and be engaged - you'll find that same story when made into a film - will drag like an anchor - why?
For what ever reason, when things are in the written form we have a longer patience than when things are in the visual form.
The second major fault with the structure of this screenplay is the POV.
You would expect or hope to spend around 90-95% of the time with Jamie - but alas - as the script goes on we move more and more away from Jamie.
Now there are times when it's IMPERATIVE that we DON'T see Jamie for the sake of certain reveals and plot points, but there are a lot of times when a moment is happening and it COULD have been from Jamie's POV, but it's not.
Thirdly - I'd need to read the script again - but I'm pretty sure there are some logic inconsistencies.
Take The Nightmare for instance - this is one of the other girl's serial killers - but he moves with super human speed in some scenes.
That's a problem two fold.
One - I thought we were only dealing with humans, no supernatural elements.
Two - consistency - if The Nightmare moves super humanly fast in one scene - then why doesn't he move that fast in another scene?
STRUCTURE RATING: 6.5/10
STRUCTURE TIP:
The more I review scripts the more I notice that heroes often don't have discernible flaws, and scripts often have POV problems and lack goals.
When outlining your next script focus on these three things.
POV - Always have the scene viewed by your hero - UNLESS you HAVE to go away to another character for the sake of story. As a rule, 90% of your film should have your hero in the scene.
GOAL - Always have a goal. It's okay to change the goal. It doesn't HAVE to be one goal from the start to end - in fact it's often better to establish a NEW GOAL around the mid point.
Even if you have to have mini-goals - like in Back To The Future - we all know the opening scene to that film - then Bam! Marty's late to class. He's got to get there on time - it's a goal that drives only a few minutes of the film - but imagine if he didn't have to get to class on time? That opening sequence wouldn't have popped the way it does.
FLAW - Read the Hero's Journey books - understand what a flaw is and why it's important.
CHARACTERS & DIALOGUE:
Dialogue was fast, fun and snappy. It wasn't perfect by any means - and there was some straight up unapologetic expositional dialogue late in the piece where the twist is openly explained to us by a character.
Characters were all pretty well defined. When you have what is essentially an ensemble film - 5 main characters - it's easy for those characters to blend into each other.
Not the case here - they all had their own personalities and really felt well thought out.
Some of the ancillary players seemed under developed - but that's small fry and an easy fix.
CHARACTERS & DIALOGUE RATING: 7.5/10
CHARACTERS & DIALOGUE TIP: If you have a large character count - be sure to differentiate your characters. Lesser writers would have made all the 5 girls seem like cardboard cut outs of each other.
VOICE:
Voice is bat shit crazy here. But it works for what it is - a self aware horror.
Voice could have been better if --
-- The writing were better.
-- Structure issues were fixed.
-- The script were trimmed back.
VOICE RATING: 7/10
VOICE TIP: You can see the way I break down scripts on this blog. Do the same process with your script/s. Give yourself honest ratings in each area, then work on the areas you think are lacking.
A strong voice comes from every aspect of your script being written the very best you can.
PRODUCTION:
I'd put money into this. I'd want a director who cares about the script to direct. I can see this failing if the director just hashed it together.
But if you got a decent talent on board to direct and did another couple of passes on the script fixing the problems I've mentioned, and if it was brought in at the $5mill mark - then this script will make money.
SUMMARY:
A strong concept executed fairly well.
OVERALL RATING: 7.5/10
Tuesday, 29 March 2016
THE BOY - HORROR - (Menear)
LOGLINE: (From IMDB) : An american nanny is shocked that her new English family's boy is actually a life-sized doll. After she violates a list of strict rules, disturbing events make her believe the doll is really alive.
WRITER: Stacey Menear.
SRIPT BIO: Has just been made into the film The Boy (6.2 on IMDB).
THE STORY:
GERTI EVANS (20s) has travelled to the remote English countryside to work as a nanny for the summer. She's to work here for 3 months being paid so much money she can 'start her life over' when she gets back to America.
She arrives at a HUGE estate miles away from everywhere. She conveniently has no cell coverage and there are no neighbors anywhere.
The house itself is a fortress. The back of the house has windows that have been bricked up and the front windows are covered with bars.
Gerti comes to meet the boy she will be looking after - and yes - he is a doll. A life sized doll.
At first Gerti laughs at the absurdity of the situation - but when she sees that the parents of Brahms take this very seriously - she plays along.
She's finally offered the job - (which is odd, as why would you travel all the way to England for a job that you hadn't secured in the first place?) and after a quick phone call home to her sister SANDY she decides that staying and earning money is the best thing to do.
The parents of 'the boy' then leave and Gerti is left alone in this house with no one but Brahms the doll for company.
Enter MALCOLM - a strapping young English lad who delivers food to the residence once a week. Malcolm is eccentric in his own weird way, but he's harmless and loveable.
Gerti gets some inside information about the parents of the estate - supposedly there was a fire in the house some years earlier - and their son Brahms was killed - keeping the doll of Brahms is their way of dealing with their loss.
Thing is - that fire happened over 20 years ago. The parents have been living like this for 20 years.
Left alone in the house - Gerti starts to experience strange happenings. Things of hers start going missing. The Brahms doll keeps moving. But Gerti never actually sees him move.
These happenings continue to worsen until Gerti is convinced that the Brahms doll is real!
I'll leave the story there as I don't want to get into spoilers.
INITIAL REACTION:
I can see why this film made money.
It was shot on a $10m budget and made $58m. That's a solid return, even when you factor in P&A costs.
It's a straight forward contained horror film with a slight twist.
There's something very eerie about Brahms the doll - and how seriously the parents take looking after him.
The script isn't perfect - there are some major bullet holes.
Firstly - the no cell phone trope. Having lived in England for a decade myself, I know firsthand, there's almost nowhere in the UK that you can't get cell coverage.
Secondly - why would a nanny travel from America to England for a job interview? Wouldn't you make sure that the job was secure before travelling all that way?
Gerti has no inner journey what so ever. There's nothing internally that Gerti is trying to overcome. She has no inner flaw.
When a character has no inner flaw - the story becomes all external. And while external events can be interesting - it's emotions that we as an audience engage with.
CONCEPT:
The concept here is pretty good. It's an idea we've all seen before, and thus can get our heads around - a young girl in a haunted house - but this time the haunting comes from a doll.
All of that we've seen before. It's the nature of the setup behind the doll that is just unique enough to give this idea enough freshness to warrant the read/watch.
If the doll were just a regular child's doll that had a spirit attached to it - the concept would not have been original enough.
But here, the doll is a substitute for a real child lost in a fire - and as crazy as that seems - I think there's a part in all of us that can empathize with this idea.
CONCEPT RATING: 7/10
CONCEPT TIP: Take a tried and tested trope and re-work it until you have just the right amount of freshness to the idea.
When ideas are too grand and convoluted you alienate your audience. The Boy works because it's such a simple idea with a slightly fresh twist.
FORM:
The form here was good. Not perfect. The script is well written. There are a lot of thick descriptive sentences which could use some breaking up.
Also, the script comes in at 116 pages. This really should have been a 95 page script at the most.
FORM RATING 7/10
FORM TIP: Keep your sentences lean and clean. Don't overwrite. If your screenplay comes in over the 105 page mark it is overwritten.
There's no real excuse to write over 105 pages. If you really try hard, all screenplays can be cut back to around 105 pages.
STRUCTURE:
As mentioned, Gerti doesn't have an inner flaw. With no inner flaw, the structure of the story becomes loosely guided by external events.
It's the inner journey that gives your story structure.
There's also no goal until late in the third act.
When a character is reacting to events that happen around her, that will only be interesting for a set period of time.
What focuses people's attention are goals, stakes and urgency.
There was no goal here (until later on), no stakes, and no urgency. There was no ticking clock.
If this story had managed to work in these three elements I believe it could have been one of the best horror films of the year.
With all that said, Stacey does a good job of keeping the story moving. He uses the story driving element of mystery.
Mystery will hold an audience's attention for quite some time.
It's a shame, really, as had he used the mystery WITH the goal stakes and urgency, it would have really elevated the story.
STRUCTURE RATING: 5/10
STRUCTURE TIP: Understand what it is that drives a story before you sit down to write. There are several ways that goal, stakes and urgency could have been worked into this story, but it's much easier to do so before you start writing.
Trying to go back over a script already written and inject goal, stakes and urgency is not such an easy task.
CHARACTERS & DIALOGUE:
Gerti is an interesting character, she has a fascinating back story, but unfortunately she doesn't feel like she is developed enough. I LOVE that we find out that she has lost an unborn child herself. That makes her reaction to the situation all the more relatable.
I wanted to know more about that. And I wanted to find out in ways that weren't just through an expositional phone call to her sister.
It would have been great to SHOW Gerti mourning for the loss of her unborn child.
Dialogue was really just standard. You need to make sure that every aspect of your script zings.
When you have okay dialogue, it's not enough. You need to keep working on your dialogue until it's exceptional.
CHARACTERS & DIALOGUE RATING: 6/10
CHARACTERS & DIALOGUE TIP: Don't settle for good. Always try to push the bar and write exceptional.
Writing can get frustrating. You spend so long working on a project that you lose your objectivity. You can't see the forrest for the trees as the saying goes.
When you get like this, step away from that particular script and start work on another script. Leave your first script for about 2 weeks - then come back to it.
It can be tempting to send your script out for reads after you've finished the first draft. But that's not wise. Make sure you have truly worked on the script until you can no longer make it better without third party insight. THEN send it out for reads.
VOICE:
Voice is okay here. Not as strong as it could be, but Stacey has a certain style that pulls you along. I only noticed one spelling mistake in the entire script.
Spelling mistakes detract from voice, just as much as overwriting and poor structure.
If the characters and dialogue had been stronger, and Gerti had an inner flaw that would have helped with the structure and if the script had a goal, stakes and urgency, the voice of the script would have been much stronger.
As it stands, the overall voice is good - but as we know - good isn't enough in the world of scripts.
PRODUCTION:
This script has been made into a film.
As I said above, the budget was $10m and the box office was $58m.
Without that knowledge I would have put money into this script.
The cast count if under 5 people. It's set entirely in one location, and it's genre so you don't need names to sell the movie.
If I were producing I would have addressed --
Lack of goal, stakes, urgency.
Poor character development.
Lacklustre dialogue.
Lack of inner flaw for Gerti.
I would have amped up Gerti's back story and got rid of the no cell phone coverage trope and the illogical notion that Gerti would travel to England for a job interview.
SUMMARY
Good concept executed in a fair manner.
Could have been better - but the producers made money so what do they care!
OVERALL RATING: SCRIPT: 7/10
WRITER: Stacey Menear.
SRIPT BIO: Has just been made into the film The Boy (6.2 on IMDB).
THE STORY:
GERTI EVANS (20s) has travelled to the remote English countryside to work as a nanny for the summer. She's to work here for 3 months being paid so much money she can 'start her life over' when she gets back to America.
She arrives at a HUGE estate miles away from everywhere. She conveniently has no cell coverage and there are no neighbors anywhere.
The house itself is a fortress. The back of the house has windows that have been bricked up and the front windows are covered with bars.
Gerti comes to meet the boy she will be looking after - and yes - he is a doll. A life sized doll.
At first Gerti laughs at the absurdity of the situation - but when she sees that the parents of Brahms take this very seriously - she plays along.
She's finally offered the job - (which is odd, as why would you travel all the way to England for a job that you hadn't secured in the first place?) and after a quick phone call home to her sister SANDY she decides that staying and earning money is the best thing to do.
The parents of 'the boy' then leave and Gerti is left alone in this house with no one but Brahms the doll for company.
Enter MALCOLM - a strapping young English lad who delivers food to the residence once a week. Malcolm is eccentric in his own weird way, but he's harmless and loveable.
Gerti gets some inside information about the parents of the estate - supposedly there was a fire in the house some years earlier - and their son Brahms was killed - keeping the doll of Brahms is their way of dealing with their loss.
Thing is - that fire happened over 20 years ago. The parents have been living like this for 20 years.
Left alone in the house - Gerti starts to experience strange happenings. Things of hers start going missing. The Brahms doll keeps moving. But Gerti never actually sees him move.
These happenings continue to worsen until Gerti is convinced that the Brahms doll is real!
I'll leave the story there as I don't want to get into spoilers.
INITIAL REACTION:
I can see why this film made money.
It was shot on a $10m budget and made $58m. That's a solid return, even when you factor in P&A costs.
It's a straight forward contained horror film with a slight twist.
There's something very eerie about Brahms the doll - and how seriously the parents take looking after him.
The script isn't perfect - there are some major bullet holes.
Firstly - the no cell phone trope. Having lived in England for a decade myself, I know firsthand, there's almost nowhere in the UK that you can't get cell coverage.
Secondly - why would a nanny travel from America to England for a job interview? Wouldn't you make sure that the job was secure before travelling all that way?
Gerti has no inner journey what so ever. There's nothing internally that Gerti is trying to overcome. She has no inner flaw.
When a character has no inner flaw - the story becomes all external. And while external events can be interesting - it's emotions that we as an audience engage with.
CONCEPT:
The concept here is pretty good. It's an idea we've all seen before, and thus can get our heads around - a young girl in a haunted house - but this time the haunting comes from a doll.
All of that we've seen before. It's the nature of the setup behind the doll that is just unique enough to give this idea enough freshness to warrant the read/watch.
If the doll were just a regular child's doll that had a spirit attached to it - the concept would not have been original enough.
But here, the doll is a substitute for a real child lost in a fire - and as crazy as that seems - I think there's a part in all of us that can empathize with this idea.
CONCEPT RATING: 7/10
CONCEPT TIP: Take a tried and tested trope and re-work it until you have just the right amount of freshness to the idea.
When ideas are too grand and convoluted you alienate your audience. The Boy works because it's such a simple idea with a slightly fresh twist.
FORM:
The form here was good. Not perfect. The script is well written. There are a lot of thick descriptive sentences which could use some breaking up.
Also, the script comes in at 116 pages. This really should have been a 95 page script at the most.
FORM RATING 7/10
FORM TIP: Keep your sentences lean and clean. Don't overwrite. If your screenplay comes in over the 105 page mark it is overwritten.
There's no real excuse to write over 105 pages. If you really try hard, all screenplays can be cut back to around 105 pages.
STRUCTURE:
As mentioned, Gerti doesn't have an inner flaw. With no inner flaw, the structure of the story becomes loosely guided by external events.
It's the inner journey that gives your story structure.
There's also no goal until late in the third act.
When a character is reacting to events that happen around her, that will only be interesting for a set period of time.
What focuses people's attention are goals, stakes and urgency.
There was no goal here (until later on), no stakes, and no urgency. There was no ticking clock.
If this story had managed to work in these three elements I believe it could have been one of the best horror films of the year.
With all that said, Stacey does a good job of keeping the story moving. He uses the story driving element of mystery.
Mystery will hold an audience's attention for quite some time.
It's a shame, really, as had he used the mystery WITH the goal stakes and urgency, it would have really elevated the story.
STRUCTURE RATING: 5/10
STRUCTURE TIP: Understand what it is that drives a story before you sit down to write. There are several ways that goal, stakes and urgency could have been worked into this story, but it's much easier to do so before you start writing.
Trying to go back over a script already written and inject goal, stakes and urgency is not such an easy task.
CHARACTERS & DIALOGUE:
Gerti is an interesting character, she has a fascinating back story, but unfortunately she doesn't feel like she is developed enough. I LOVE that we find out that she has lost an unborn child herself. That makes her reaction to the situation all the more relatable.
I wanted to know more about that. And I wanted to find out in ways that weren't just through an expositional phone call to her sister.
It would have been great to SHOW Gerti mourning for the loss of her unborn child.
Dialogue was really just standard. You need to make sure that every aspect of your script zings.
When you have okay dialogue, it's not enough. You need to keep working on your dialogue until it's exceptional.
CHARACTERS & DIALOGUE RATING: 6/10
CHARACTERS & DIALOGUE TIP: Don't settle for good. Always try to push the bar and write exceptional.
Writing can get frustrating. You spend so long working on a project that you lose your objectivity. You can't see the forrest for the trees as the saying goes.
When you get like this, step away from that particular script and start work on another script. Leave your first script for about 2 weeks - then come back to it.
It can be tempting to send your script out for reads after you've finished the first draft. But that's not wise. Make sure you have truly worked on the script until you can no longer make it better without third party insight. THEN send it out for reads.
VOICE:
Voice is okay here. Not as strong as it could be, but Stacey has a certain style that pulls you along. I only noticed one spelling mistake in the entire script.
Spelling mistakes detract from voice, just as much as overwriting and poor structure.
If the characters and dialogue had been stronger, and Gerti had an inner flaw that would have helped with the structure and if the script had a goal, stakes and urgency, the voice of the script would have been much stronger.
As it stands, the overall voice is good - but as we know - good isn't enough in the world of scripts.
PRODUCTION:
This script has been made into a film.
As I said above, the budget was $10m and the box office was $58m.
Without that knowledge I would have put money into this script.
The cast count if under 5 people. It's set entirely in one location, and it's genre so you don't need names to sell the movie.
If I were producing I would have addressed --
Lack of goal, stakes, urgency.
Poor character development.
Lacklustre dialogue.
Lack of inner flaw for Gerti.
I would have amped up Gerti's back story and got rid of the no cell phone coverage trope and the illogical notion that Gerti would travel to England for a job interview.
SUMMARY
Good concept executed in a fair manner.
Could have been better - but the producers made money so what do they care!
OVERALL RATING: SCRIPT: 7/10
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