LOGLINE: When a young boy falls asleep his dreams manifest in real life, bringing with them the murderous Canker man.
WRITER: MIKE FLANAGAN & JEFF HOWARD
SCRIPT BIO: This script has already been turned into a feature film. I haven't seen it yet, but Mike Flanagan's films Oculus is one the best horror films out there.
STORY:
Jessie and Mark are both 30 somethings who recently lost their son Sean. He accidentally drowned. We meet tham as they adopt Cody, a young boy who has been in and out of foster homes since his mother died.
At first everything is as you would expect from a new family of the adopting variety. Mark and Jessie are learning how to be parents to a stranger, and Cody is learning how to be a son to strange new parents.
The first inkling that something isn't quite right is when we find Cody downing sachets of sugar right when he's supposed to be sleeping. This isn't a midnight feast, this is Cody sugar-dosing himself so he won't sleep.
But soon the fatigue catches up with him and he falls asleep one night.
That's when the butterflies come. Jessie and Mark find their living room filled with butterflies. Hundreds of them. But the weird thing is they're not perfect like a normal butterfly - these butterflies lack detail. It's as though they have been imagined into being by a not quite yet fully developed mind.
Boom -- then all of a sudden the butterflies vanish.
That was weird.
Things get weirder. Soon, at night Jessie and Mark discover their son Sean, standing in their living room. But this version of Sean is very strange. He's dressed identically as the photo of him in the hallway. He looks exactly the same.
Then boom - he vanishes.
Jessie and Mark are confused as hell - but they soon piece it together.
What ever Cody sees during the day, he will dream into real life later that night.
Jessie tries to take advantage of this unique ability and she shows Cody video footage of a Xmas they spent with Sean before he drowned.
Sure enough, that night when Cody sleeps, that same Xmas manifests in real life, bringing with it Sean.
But with these dream manifestations comes the murderous Canker man.
The Canker man is a devilish monster with a huge mouth that can eat anything... in particular it has a penchant for eating people.
The question becomes - will Jessie, Mark and Cody survive the Canker man, and will they be able to figure out the 'root cause' of Cody's unique abilities?
INITITAL REACTION:
I did not know that this was a Mike Flanagan script. Despite reading his name before I went into it - I didn't piece it together that this is the same writer/director/editor that gave us the incredible Oculus.
I loved this script.
It's not perfect - but it is head and shoulders above the majority of scripts I've read this year.
This horror film is a unique thing - it is the first BEAUTIFUL horror film I've ever read. Here we have scares, but they're things of poetry.
I've never been scared of butterflies before - but here - they become a very clever horror device.
And the fact that these horrific things are happening because a young boy wants to sleep - makes them all the more beautiful.
This is not Freddie Kruger in any way, shape or form.
in fact, had Flanagan tried to go that route, this story would have come off a corny rip off. As it stands it's exactly what Hollywood wants - The Same But Different.
This is a proven horror trope - but executed in a fresh way.
I won't ruin the twist ending, but it's brilliant and beautiful.
I'll try and stop using the word beautiful from here on out.
CONCEPT:
The concept here is great. As I just said - it's something we've seen before - but it's executed in a fresh new way.
A young boy's dreams manifesting and bringing with then a murderous creature is a fantastic base for a horror story.
CONCEPT RATING: 8/10
CONCEPT TIP: If you're writing a horror, try and involve a child. For what ever reason, horror films that have a child at the story's core work really well.
FORM:
The writing here is superb. The form is also. Very clean and clear writing. Very well formatted. The metaphors and similes are almost non-existent yet there is still a very rich sense of setting and the characterisation is vibrant.
The one detractor from this script is that it's a little over written. It comes in at 115 pages - the same story could have been told in 100 pages.
FORM RATING 9/10
FORM TIP: Take a read of this screenplay to see good clean writing that's well formatted.
STRUCTURE:
The structure here is pretty good.
It opens with a fantastic hook. The one thing about this opening hook is the first time you see it you think X is a really bad guy - but later on you come to learn that X had really good reasons for doing what he was trying to do.
X is a character, but I don't want to ruin it for you.
There's a very clear ordinary world.
The call to adventure is not so clear, but when weird shit starts happening you soon forget about traditional structure and enjoy the ride.
The second act plays out really well and there is a clearly defined third act.
The one thing about structure that does not work is POV.
There isn't one clear POV in this script. And I'm thinking that's why this film only has a 6.8 on IMDB. I haven't seen it yet - but films with a clear, singular POV - i.e the story unfolds through the eyes of ONE MAIN character - tend to do better than films that split up the POV.
If we're jumping between points of view then the film is not a VICARIOUS experience, it becomes SPECTACLE.
Vicarious is when we identify with the ONE MAIN CHARACTER and we essential BECOME that character for the film.
Spectacle is when we're watching from the outside - when we watch many characters doing things, but we NEVER actually feel like we ARE any of the characters.
If you want to see a film that NAILS POV PERFECTLY watch MY WEEK WITH MARILYN.
The story is from a young man's POV. I won't get into specifics of the story, but he comes to meet Marilyn Monroe and spend a week with her.
The film is careful to stay with the Young Man at ALL TIMES. Even when the important action is happening between other characters, we SEE THAT ACTION through the eyes of our main character.
Because we spend the entire film with him, viewing the world through his eyes, there is a very unique connection between the audience and the character.
STRUCTURE RATING: 6/10
STRUCTURE TIP: Understand how to use POV. It will increase the success of your film manifold.
CHARACTERS:
Characters here are good, but not great. Another reason the film sits below the 7 mark on IMDB.
The characters are perfunctory. There is a little bit of depth to Jessie, in that she is a doctor - and later in the film goes looking for the 'root cause' of Cody's 'illness.'
Mark doesn't seem to have much going on. Cody is sweet and quiet, but doesn't really pop off the page. He's incredibly passive.
Active characters explode off the page. Active characters are interesting to watch. Passive characters become dull quickly.
While I was never bored here, there were times I wanted Cody to be more pro active.
CHARACTER RATING 6.5/10
CHARACTER TIP: Flesh out your characters before you write them. Mark feels one dimensional here. Jessie only has her doctor thing going on, and Cody doesn't really do much. He only reacts, he doesn't instigate. Create characters that are doers, and give them depth by giving them quirks. Things that make them feel real.
DIALOGUE:
Again, dialogue is perfunctory but does little more. There's no depth to the dialogue. Perhaps this is another reason why it's sitting below the 7 mark on IMDB.
Everything that is said here, is surface level. People in real life don't state things, they very often infer what it is they want to say.
If you can add some dialogue where a character seems like they're talking about ONE thing on a surface level, but when you think on what they're saying, you realise they're actually inferring something else - that kind of writing elevates your script.
VOICE:
The voice here is interesting.
It's a very clean and clear voice - but it doesn't really stand out. Everything here is done well, it's just not done exceptionally well.
The voice is good, but it's not bad.
One thing I just realised about voice - it is (among many other things) partially the sum of how well you execute the various aspects of your script.
Here I'd give the voice a rating of 6/10 and that's pretty much the average of all the elements of the screenplay.
VOICE RATING 6/10
VOICE TIP: When you have all the elements in your script working well. Do a pass and try to make each area of your script POP. This will add to your voice. It will help it stand out.
PRODUCTION:
This is already a film.
I would put money into this.
I'd guess it'd be around the 15 mill mark.
NOW LET ME GO AND HAVE A LOOK ON GOOGLE...
Okay, so it hasn't come out yet! It's set for an April 8th 2016 release.
Can't find the budget online anywhere either.
Mike Flanagan's last horror film Oculus was only 5 million. So maybe 15 mill is too much.
Perhaps it'll be a 5 million dollar horror film.
Either way, with the skill of Mike Flanagan behind it as director it's sure to be successful.
Oculus made 44 mill world wide. That's just box office... you could add another 10-20 mill on top of that for DVD and VOD sales.
That makes the 5 mill investment money well spent.
SUMMARY
A great horror film with a talented director attached. This will be a success that's for sure.
OVERALL RATING 7.5/10
Wednesday, 10 February 2016
Tuesday, 9 February 2016
MR ROBOT - DRAMA - TV
LOGLINE: A 20 something computer specialist working for a major cyber-security company is asked to join F-society, an elite group of hackers with one mission - erasing all the world's debt.
WRITER: SAM ESMAIL
SCRIPT BIO: This is the pilot for the immensely awesome and successful TV show Mr Robot.
STORY:
Elliot is in his late 20s. He lives in Manhattan and by day he's a professional cyber security specialist working at AllSafe, a mid range cyber-security company whose biggest client is the infamous EvilCorp.
EvilCorp is a nameless, faceless sociopathic limited liability company that doesn't care how many workers it kills, so long as it's bottom line is healthy.
We first meet Elliot in a coffee shop where he confronts the owner, Phil, a seemingly loveable chap. But Elliot knows otherwise. He tells Phil that he hacked into the servers used to run the coffee shops WiFi and found that it's a cover for a child pornography portal.
Phil tries to buy his way out of the situation, but Elliot isn't in this for money, he's here for justice - and soon the FBI raid the store and arrest Phil, while Elliot slinks off into the shadows.
Elliot suffers from extreme paranoia. As he rides the subway he thinks he sees covert CIA agents following him.
It's here, on the subway one late night that he first meets MR ROBOT - a 50 year old Californian type slumming it with the NYC hipsters.
At first Elliot isn't sure why Mr Robot has popped up in his life, but he'll soon understand.
At work, Elliot is the go-to guy for tricky cyber security problems.
The super hot, yet still girl-next-door-lovely ANGELA got him the job. Angela and Elliot have known each other since childhood. They share a family loss, in that they both lost a parent to radioactive poisoning from one of the EvilCorp subsidiary companies where their parents worked.
Elliot is in love with Angela, but his super awkward social graces means he'll never be anything more than just a friend to her.
Angela had a birthday recently but Elliot couldn't bring himself to enter the bar where they were celebrating, he hates people in general that much.
Angela has a douche boyfriend called ALI, who insists on trying to be Elliot's best friend, despite Elliot wanting nothing to do with the guy.
Elliot hacks Ali and learns that he's secretly exchanging dirty photos with a hot girl online.
Then there's Elliot's psychologist - KRISTA - she's doing her best to get through to Elliot, but he's so far out of her league intelligence wise that it's really Elliot handling Kristy rather than vice versa.
Elliot has also hacked Krista's computer and knows everything about her. He finds out that she's dating a guy that she doesn't know is married.
When Elliot's chilling out at home, his favourite time killer is snorting Methadone. He claims to have a system of use where he believes he has it under control.
Then there's the awesome TYRELL - a young 20 something executive for Evil Corp who has a hands-on background in computer hacking.
Tyrell doesn't play a huge role in the pilot, but he becomes an incredible character later in the season.
There are more ancillary characters, such as Elliot's boss, co-workers and his drug dealer. But for the purposes of this deconstruction we don't need to get into details on them.
The story begins properly when Evil Corp is hit by a major cyber attack.
Elliot comes in late at night and saves the day. In the process of restoring their system, he discovers a file in the root directory from F-Society that reads 'leavemehere' -- Elliot is about to delete the file, but instead, there's something within him that urges him to leave the file in place.
So he does.
He's then approached by Mr Robot again who takes Elliot to an abandoned fun-house in Coney Island where he meets the players of F-Society. A group of elite hackers with one mandate - the destruction of all digital records of all debt.
Every single mortgage, CC debt, student loan, personal loan, business loan. All eradicated irretrievably from the face of the earth. The largest single redistribution of wealth in the history of mankind!
The question becomes, will Elliot join their faction, and if so, what will happen...
INITIAL REACTION:
I saw this TV series before I read this script.
I absolutely loved the TV show. And I absolutely loved the script.
The main difference between script and show is that in the TV show they have dimmed down and deleted a lot of the technical terms.
When describing this TV show to friends I said it was a 'TV show about computer hacking that doesn't show any computer hacking."
It's all about the characters and their lives. Which is a clever play, as people don't tune in to be educated about the inner working of the cyber security world, they tune in to watch humans interacting with humans.
I can't recommend this TV show and this Script enough. They are both perfect examples of TV and writing done exceptionally well.
Let's get into a break down of the script....
CONCEPT:
The idea here is HUGE. Eradicating all the world's debt! That is something everyone that isn't a billionaire can get behind!
Doing it with a super cool bunch of cyber hackers is the perfect vehicle.
Focusing on their lives rather the technical aspects of the hacking is also a genius move.
This concept is brilliant.
It takes a HUGE idea and makes it tangible.
Unlike the Stephen King story The Dark Tower that takes a huge concept and convolutes it.
CONCEPT RATING 9/10
CONCEPT TIP:
We can all think of really big ideas. But the real skill lies in the ability to deliver that concept. Often Sci-Fi stories get lost in their big idea. Here the idea is huge, but the delivery is easily digestible. There's something to be learned from that. If you can take a huge idea and create a scenario that delivers that concept in an easy to understand form, you're in a great place.
FORM
Beautiful. No other word for it.
The script has just the right amount of description to setup the world, and the right amount of dialogue to pull the scenes along.
There's zero formatting errors or typos here. Layout is near perfect.
FORM RATING 9/10
FORM TIP: Take a read of this screenplay as a guide for how to format your TV spec. it's perfect. Script link is below.
STRUCTURE
Structure here is brilliant. There are several storylines all held together by Elliot. This is very much his story. Often in TV shows there is a complete ensemble cast with equally important character across the board - take FRIENDS - not one of those characters is more important than the other.
Because we experience this world through Elliot's POV - it gives the show a more filmic feel.
Every scene is loaded with conflict and is fast moving.
There's just enough setup of the world, then we dive into the storyline.
It's a perfect balance of character development, story setup then execution.
STRUCTURE RATING 9/10
STRUCTURE TIP: Again, read this script as a bedrock of how to structure your pilot. It executes flawlessly.
CHARACETRS:
Every character here is well drawn and unique. That's a tall order given the character count here. We're looking at 10 plus main players.
The thought that's been put into each and every one is brilliant.
Elliot, by far stands out. The writer chose to push the boundaries. Elliot is out hero - he's a paranoid delusional methadone addict - but we can't help but love him!
CHARACTER RATING 9/10
CHARACTER TIP: Push the envelop. When you're creating your characters, think in stereotypes to create a basic person - then think how can you change that character so that it will almost shock the reader/viewer.
Here we have open use of drugs on a successful TV show. That's not something that slips the net daily.
DIALOGUE:
Incredible. Listening to the way Elliot speaks is a pure joy.
All the other characters have well written dialogue, but none of them stand out in the way Elliot does. In fact, thinking on that now, I'd say that's the only detractor from this show. The dialogue for all the other characters doesn't seem to have the same level of thought put into it. It doesn't by any means ruin the show, but it just feels like one area that could be slightly better.
DIALOGUE RATING: ELLIOT 10/10 - ALL OTHERS 7/10
DIALOGE TIP: Read the script. Look at the way that Elliot speaks. He has a natural flow to everything he says. It's incredibly unique, yet it doesn't cross the line into the world of 'written dialogue.'
'Written dialogue' is something you find in shows like House Of Cards, where the dialogue is sooooo poetic and brilliant it doesn't feel real. It's sooooo good it feels written.
(I love HOC btw - not season 3 though - that sucked.)
VOICE:
I could read Sam Esmail scripts all day. This guy has an incredible writing style. So fluid and intelligent. He has a firm grasp of writing and that shows through in his unique voice.
VOICE RATING 8/10
VOICE TIP:
Intelligence. A lot of writers out there seem to think that having a basic high school level understanding of writing and the english language is enough to shine in the world of screen writing.
When you read a lot of scripts you can tell a writer's 'writing intelligence' after reading one page. The syntax, word choice, formatting all show how long this person has been working with words.
The more you play with words, the better you get at it.
PRODUCTION:
This is already a successful TV show. I'd recommend anyone who hasn't seen it yet to put it at the top of their viewing list.
SUMMARY:
Awesome.
OVERALL RATING: 9.5/10
WRITER: SAM ESMAIL
SCRIPT BIO: This is the pilot for the immensely awesome and successful TV show Mr Robot.
STORY:
Elliot is in his late 20s. He lives in Manhattan and by day he's a professional cyber security specialist working at AllSafe, a mid range cyber-security company whose biggest client is the infamous EvilCorp.
EvilCorp is a nameless, faceless sociopathic limited liability company that doesn't care how many workers it kills, so long as it's bottom line is healthy.
We first meet Elliot in a coffee shop where he confronts the owner, Phil, a seemingly loveable chap. But Elliot knows otherwise. He tells Phil that he hacked into the servers used to run the coffee shops WiFi and found that it's a cover for a child pornography portal.
Phil tries to buy his way out of the situation, but Elliot isn't in this for money, he's here for justice - and soon the FBI raid the store and arrest Phil, while Elliot slinks off into the shadows.
Elliot suffers from extreme paranoia. As he rides the subway he thinks he sees covert CIA agents following him.
It's here, on the subway one late night that he first meets MR ROBOT - a 50 year old Californian type slumming it with the NYC hipsters.
At first Elliot isn't sure why Mr Robot has popped up in his life, but he'll soon understand.
At work, Elliot is the go-to guy for tricky cyber security problems.
The super hot, yet still girl-next-door-lovely ANGELA got him the job. Angela and Elliot have known each other since childhood. They share a family loss, in that they both lost a parent to radioactive poisoning from one of the EvilCorp subsidiary companies where their parents worked.
Elliot is in love with Angela, but his super awkward social graces means he'll never be anything more than just a friend to her.
Angela had a birthday recently but Elliot couldn't bring himself to enter the bar where they were celebrating, he hates people in general that much.
Angela has a douche boyfriend called ALI, who insists on trying to be Elliot's best friend, despite Elliot wanting nothing to do with the guy.
Elliot hacks Ali and learns that he's secretly exchanging dirty photos with a hot girl online.
Then there's Elliot's psychologist - KRISTA - she's doing her best to get through to Elliot, but he's so far out of her league intelligence wise that it's really Elliot handling Kristy rather than vice versa.
Elliot has also hacked Krista's computer and knows everything about her. He finds out that she's dating a guy that she doesn't know is married.
When Elliot's chilling out at home, his favourite time killer is snorting Methadone. He claims to have a system of use where he believes he has it under control.
Then there's the awesome TYRELL - a young 20 something executive for Evil Corp who has a hands-on background in computer hacking.
Tyrell doesn't play a huge role in the pilot, but he becomes an incredible character later in the season.
There are more ancillary characters, such as Elliot's boss, co-workers and his drug dealer. But for the purposes of this deconstruction we don't need to get into details on them.
The story begins properly when Evil Corp is hit by a major cyber attack.
Elliot comes in late at night and saves the day. In the process of restoring their system, he discovers a file in the root directory from F-Society that reads 'leavemehere' -- Elliot is about to delete the file, but instead, there's something within him that urges him to leave the file in place.
So he does.
He's then approached by Mr Robot again who takes Elliot to an abandoned fun-house in Coney Island where he meets the players of F-Society. A group of elite hackers with one mandate - the destruction of all digital records of all debt.
Every single mortgage, CC debt, student loan, personal loan, business loan. All eradicated irretrievably from the face of the earth. The largest single redistribution of wealth in the history of mankind!
The question becomes, will Elliot join their faction, and if so, what will happen...
INITIAL REACTION:
I saw this TV series before I read this script.
I absolutely loved the TV show. And I absolutely loved the script.
The main difference between script and show is that in the TV show they have dimmed down and deleted a lot of the technical terms.
When describing this TV show to friends I said it was a 'TV show about computer hacking that doesn't show any computer hacking."
It's all about the characters and their lives. Which is a clever play, as people don't tune in to be educated about the inner working of the cyber security world, they tune in to watch humans interacting with humans.
I can't recommend this TV show and this Script enough. They are both perfect examples of TV and writing done exceptionally well.
Let's get into a break down of the script....
CONCEPT:
The idea here is HUGE. Eradicating all the world's debt! That is something everyone that isn't a billionaire can get behind!
Doing it with a super cool bunch of cyber hackers is the perfect vehicle.
Focusing on their lives rather the technical aspects of the hacking is also a genius move.
This concept is brilliant.
It takes a HUGE idea and makes it tangible.
Unlike the Stephen King story The Dark Tower that takes a huge concept and convolutes it.
CONCEPT RATING 9/10
CONCEPT TIP:
We can all think of really big ideas. But the real skill lies in the ability to deliver that concept. Often Sci-Fi stories get lost in their big idea. Here the idea is huge, but the delivery is easily digestible. There's something to be learned from that. If you can take a huge idea and create a scenario that delivers that concept in an easy to understand form, you're in a great place.
FORM
Beautiful. No other word for it.
The script has just the right amount of description to setup the world, and the right amount of dialogue to pull the scenes along.
There's zero formatting errors or typos here. Layout is near perfect.
FORM RATING 9/10
FORM TIP: Take a read of this screenplay as a guide for how to format your TV spec. it's perfect. Script link is below.
STRUCTURE
Structure here is brilliant. There are several storylines all held together by Elliot. This is very much his story. Often in TV shows there is a complete ensemble cast with equally important character across the board - take FRIENDS - not one of those characters is more important than the other.
Because we experience this world through Elliot's POV - it gives the show a more filmic feel.
Every scene is loaded with conflict and is fast moving.
There's just enough setup of the world, then we dive into the storyline.
It's a perfect balance of character development, story setup then execution.
STRUCTURE RATING 9/10
STRUCTURE TIP: Again, read this script as a bedrock of how to structure your pilot. It executes flawlessly.
CHARACETRS:
Every character here is well drawn and unique. That's a tall order given the character count here. We're looking at 10 plus main players.
The thought that's been put into each and every one is brilliant.
Elliot, by far stands out. The writer chose to push the boundaries. Elliot is out hero - he's a paranoid delusional methadone addict - but we can't help but love him!
CHARACTER RATING 9/10
CHARACTER TIP: Push the envelop. When you're creating your characters, think in stereotypes to create a basic person - then think how can you change that character so that it will almost shock the reader/viewer.
Here we have open use of drugs on a successful TV show. That's not something that slips the net daily.
DIALOGUE:
Incredible. Listening to the way Elliot speaks is a pure joy.
All the other characters have well written dialogue, but none of them stand out in the way Elliot does. In fact, thinking on that now, I'd say that's the only detractor from this show. The dialogue for all the other characters doesn't seem to have the same level of thought put into it. It doesn't by any means ruin the show, but it just feels like one area that could be slightly better.
DIALOGUE RATING: ELLIOT 10/10 - ALL OTHERS 7/10
DIALOGE TIP: Read the script. Look at the way that Elliot speaks. He has a natural flow to everything he says. It's incredibly unique, yet it doesn't cross the line into the world of 'written dialogue.'
'Written dialogue' is something you find in shows like House Of Cards, where the dialogue is sooooo poetic and brilliant it doesn't feel real. It's sooooo good it feels written.
(I love HOC btw - not season 3 though - that sucked.)
VOICE:
I could read Sam Esmail scripts all day. This guy has an incredible writing style. So fluid and intelligent. He has a firm grasp of writing and that shows through in his unique voice.
VOICE RATING 8/10
VOICE TIP:
Intelligence. A lot of writers out there seem to think that having a basic high school level understanding of writing and the english language is enough to shine in the world of screen writing.
When you read a lot of scripts you can tell a writer's 'writing intelligence' after reading one page. The syntax, word choice, formatting all show how long this person has been working with words.
The more you play with words, the better you get at it.
PRODUCTION:
This is already a successful TV show. I'd recommend anyone who hasn't seen it yet to put it at the top of their viewing list.
SUMMARY:
Awesome.
OVERALL RATING: 9.5/10
Monday, 8 February 2016
STEPHEN KING - THE DARK TOWER - THE GUNSLINGER - SCI-FI - ADAPTATION
LOGLINE: A young boy suffers from daylight hallucinations only to discover they are real, and that he is able to cross into an alternate world where he has special powers that may be the undoing of the universe.
WRITERS: Stephen King - Novel -- Akiva Goldsman & Jeff Pinkner screenplay.
STORY: 12 year old Jake lives in Manhattan. His father died recently and his mother married a man that wants nothing to do with Jake.
Jake suffers from daylight hallucinations and nightmares. He feels compelled to draw these whacky imaginings down, and when his teachers and carers see these post apocalyptic sketches they're pretty sure he's nuts.
He also sees a psychiatrist who is sure Jake's nuts. Jake doesn't want to be nuts.
Being nuts ain't cool. Nuts doesn't get girls.
Jake encounters a couple of monsters at his school, and like the hero he wants to be, he kicks the shit out of them - rather, he smashes them over the head with a computer.
Bummer for Jake, then, when he finds out that these two monsters were really fellow classmates dressed in their halloween costumes.
A mistake any of us could have made, but for poor old Jake, this is the straw that sends him to a psychiatric institute.
That night, Jake puts a couple of his drawings together and sketches out a house and the number 1919. With a good old Google reverse image search, he finds out that this house is located in Brooklyn.
Just when the funny farm orderlies are coming to take Jake away he draws a gun on them and runs away.
Where does he run to?
To this house in Brooklyn of course, where he discovers that it is a portal to an alternate universe, known as mid-world.
When jake gets to mid-world, he realises that he's not nuts. This is where all his hallucinations and visions had been coming from.
This world is bananas to put it nicely. The sun rises in the north, sets in the east. Time follows its own rules. Animals are humanised - there are human bodies walking around with weasel heads and chicken heads etc...
Basically imagine the most messed up dream you ever had, then times that to the power of 100 acid trips and you're about half way there.
It's in this mid-world that Jake meets Roland.
Roland is one bad ass mother fuckin' gunslinger - hence the title of the book.
Seriously, this guy moves at bullet-time speeds that make Neo look like a sloth on lithium.
Roland has his nemesis - the man in black - also known as Walter. (Seriously - pretty bad ass name huh!).
Walter's mission is very vague as most things are in this story. His mission is to use children with special powers to cut or destroy the stars - because the stars hold up the DARK TOWER.
Yeah - I said shit was weird.
I'm sure someone who has read the novel eight times could probably give a better summary of Walter's mission - but that's what I got from one read of this screenplay.
I have no desire to re-read it to clarify what was going on, as I don't believe even Stephen King knows what's going on.
Anyhoooooo....
So While Walter is out there being bad ass and using second rate kids to shoot down these stars that are holding up the Dark Tower - Roland is out there searching for Walter.
Roland bumps into Jake and they form an odd friendship.
After a couple of fun little adventures -- Roland becomes infected with some radioactive poisoning. He's gonna die soon as they don't have any anti-radioactive poisoning tablets here in the mid-world.
Jake realises that back in his world (earth) they have loads of easily available anti-radioactive poisoning tablets.
So.... Jake takes Roland back to his world.
Back in Manhattan, they go to a chemist and get the anti-radioactive tablets - then we get the first fun part of the story -- a fish out of water story -- we get to see Roland adjusting to modern Manhattan life. He discovers sugar and fucking loves it! Among other pleasures.
But all is not to be happy for ever... soon Jake and Roland are hunted by police as Jake is a missing child using his mother's credit card to buy supplies.
Somehow they get back to Jake's apartment, where he 'shines' the moment where his mother was taken hostage by Walter.
Shining is the ability to see an event after the event has happened. It's like seeing a residue of an event some time later.
Now that Roland is healthy again, he and Jake head back into the Mid World where (I think) they're going to try and hunt down Walter and get his mother back.
The question becomes, will he succeed, and what will happen to him now he is a part of this alternative universe.
INITIAL REACTION.
WTF?
No... that's not fair. It's an adaptation of a Stephen King novel, so it's got to be good right?
If this were a stand alone spec screenplay I would say this is the worst pile of garbage I've ever read.
But it's not. These writers had to follow the story Stephen King wrote.
I just googled how many pages are in the Dark Tower novel. I thought there would be something like 700 pages... but no... there are 224.
That's a really short novel. We'd be looking at around 70 000 words. That's not many for a novel at all. Especially compared to Stephen King's other opuses.
Reviewing something that is adapted from a Stephen King work is hard to do.
You have to keep in mind that there are incredible adaptations such as THE SHINING - and MISERY -- two sensational films.
But then you have to remind yourself that there are some really awful adaptations out there.
IT - scared the living shit out of me when I was a kid. Re-watching it as an adult I found it painfully comical.
There's part of me that thinks just because this is a Stephen King adaptation it will succeed on some level. But then the rational part of me looks at the script for what it is and I really don't think this adaptation will work at all.
The story is a major problem for starters. Some Stephen King stories lend themselves to the film medium better than others.
Typically in film, stories that follow one MAIN characters do better than ensemble pieces. TV and Novels are the place for ensemble stories.
Ensemble stories are multi protagonist stories, and that's what The Dark Tower is. We have three main characters. Jake, Roland and Walter. We're constantly jumping between the three.
Now this could work in a film if their stories were intertwined from the start, but the stories only come together at about the half way point.
The story is the first major problem here.
The second major problem is the writing - it's terrible.
I read the story slower than I normally would any other screenplay just so I could make sure I was following what was happening. Even still, I really only got a sense of what was going on. I probably only took in about half the story.
I blame that on the writing here. It's not written like a normal screenplay. It's written like a readers digest version of a novel. I've never seen sooooo many similes in a screenplay.
Every other sentence was X did Y LIKE Z. You don't need to write the LIKE Z part in a screenplay. It makes for messy reading.
Let's get into it....
CONCEPT:
I don't even really know what the concept is. I googled The Dark Tower in wikipedia and even there, the person who had written the story synopsis was confused by what was happening.
Here's my stab at it...
A boy discovers he can cross over into an alternate world where he has special powers that may be able to be used to end the universe.
Something like that.
This concept is broad and unfocused. It's messy. And that concept doesn't take into account the other two storylines of Roland and Walter.
I'd have to write down Walter's storyline goal, and Roland's, then try to fuse together all three to really get a grip of what the concept here really is.
For a film, this REALLY doesn't work. For a novel - brilliant! Go nuts. It can work for sure. But this is waaaaay to unfocused for a film.
CONCEPT RATING: 2/10
CONCEPT TIP:
When adapting a novel for film, you need to think in film terms. Just because something works in a novel, does not automatically mean you can transpose that idea verbatim to the film medium. The concept here is muddy and three-pronged. For this to work as a film it needs to be become one-pronged and focused.
FORM:
Form here was terrible. Use of BOLD all over the place. There were asides from the writers to the reader. They told us things the character was THINKING. How the hell are the audience supposed to know what a character is thinking when they watch the film?
FORM RATING: 2/10
FORM TIP: Don't write similes into your script. If you took out the similes, this 119 page screenplay would be all of 80 pages long.
That's just messy, dirty writing.
STRUCTURE:
WTF?
Structure here does not adhere to any kind of film structure at all. They followed the novel structure.
Maybe it'll work. Maybe it won't.
I'd put my money on the later.
STRUCTURE RATING 2/10
STRUCTURE TIP:
If you have more than one main character it is going to be hard to structure your story. Find who the most important character is and write from their POV. This way the story will be structured and focused and more likely succeed.
CHARACTERS:
Characters here were interesting. That's not because of the screenplay writers - but because of Stephen King. Creating a character that already exists in a novel is easy. All your work has been done for you.
CHARACTER RATING 7/10
CHARATCER TIP: All the characters here are vividly different. There's been a lot of thought put into who each person is and why they're the way they are. Be sure to put this level of thought into your characters before you write your script.
DIALOGUE:
Pretentious.
Did not work for me at all. When were over in Mid-World, there's this cliched way of speaking that harks from yesteryear.
It reads like a bad adaptation of a King Arthur story produced for TV in the 70's.
The best dialogue was from Jake. Everything he said came out well. It was also refreshing to hear him call bullshit on a regular basis. It was a great juxtaposition to the corny yesteryear speak.
DIALIOGUE RATING: JAKE: 8/10 -- ALL THE REST 3/10
DIALOGUE TIP: When you have a character say things you wish the character would say it's refreshing. Often one of the other characters would say something stupid and pretentious that only made half-sense and Jake would call them out. It worked really well.
VOICE:
What little voice there is, is drowned out in simile and bad story telling.
If you're adapting a novel, it's your job to put what can often be a complex story into an easily digestible form.
That did not happen here at all.
VOICE RATING 3/10
VOICE TIP: The dirtier your writing the more clouded your voice is. The cleaner, the clearer.
PRODUCTION:
Apparently Idris Elba is cast as Roland.
So it looks like this film will go ahead.
It will be at least a 50 mill budget.
It'll probably break even, but it won't make much money.
I wouldn't put money down. But I would watch it to see Idris. He is a sensational actor!
If you haven't seen Beasts of No Nation on Netflix.... SEE IT!
SUMMARY
Has the potential to be something great, but if they keep the story telling as it is, this story will more likely confuse than entertain the audience.
OVERALL RATING: 4/10
WRITERS: Stephen King - Novel -- Akiva Goldsman & Jeff Pinkner screenplay.
STORY: 12 year old Jake lives in Manhattan. His father died recently and his mother married a man that wants nothing to do with Jake.
Jake suffers from daylight hallucinations and nightmares. He feels compelled to draw these whacky imaginings down, and when his teachers and carers see these post apocalyptic sketches they're pretty sure he's nuts.
He also sees a psychiatrist who is sure Jake's nuts. Jake doesn't want to be nuts.
Being nuts ain't cool. Nuts doesn't get girls.
Jake encounters a couple of monsters at his school, and like the hero he wants to be, he kicks the shit out of them - rather, he smashes them over the head with a computer.
Bummer for Jake, then, when he finds out that these two monsters were really fellow classmates dressed in their halloween costumes.
A mistake any of us could have made, but for poor old Jake, this is the straw that sends him to a psychiatric institute.
That night, Jake puts a couple of his drawings together and sketches out a house and the number 1919. With a good old Google reverse image search, he finds out that this house is located in Brooklyn.
Just when the funny farm orderlies are coming to take Jake away he draws a gun on them and runs away.
Where does he run to?
To this house in Brooklyn of course, where he discovers that it is a portal to an alternate universe, known as mid-world.
When jake gets to mid-world, he realises that he's not nuts. This is where all his hallucinations and visions had been coming from.
This world is bananas to put it nicely. The sun rises in the north, sets in the east. Time follows its own rules. Animals are humanised - there are human bodies walking around with weasel heads and chicken heads etc...
Basically imagine the most messed up dream you ever had, then times that to the power of 100 acid trips and you're about half way there.
It's in this mid-world that Jake meets Roland.
Roland is one bad ass mother fuckin' gunslinger - hence the title of the book.
Seriously, this guy moves at bullet-time speeds that make Neo look like a sloth on lithium.
Roland has his nemesis - the man in black - also known as Walter. (Seriously - pretty bad ass name huh!).
Walter's mission is very vague as most things are in this story. His mission is to use children with special powers to cut or destroy the stars - because the stars hold up the DARK TOWER.
Yeah - I said shit was weird.
I'm sure someone who has read the novel eight times could probably give a better summary of Walter's mission - but that's what I got from one read of this screenplay.
I have no desire to re-read it to clarify what was going on, as I don't believe even Stephen King knows what's going on.
Anyhoooooo....
So While Walter is out there being bad ass and using second rate kids to shoot down these stars that are holding up the Dark Tower - Roland is out there searching for Walter.
Roland bumps into Jake and they form an odd friendship.
After a couple of fun little adventures -- Roland becomes infected with some radioactive poisoning. He's gonna die soon as they don't have any anti-radioactive poisoning tablets here in the mid-world.
Jake realises that back in his world (earth) they have loads of easily available anti-radioactive poisoning tablets.
So.... Jake takes Roland back to his world.
Back in Manhattan, they go to a chemist and get the anti-radioactive tablets - then we get the first fun part of the story -- a fish out of water story -- we get to see Roland adjusting to modern Manhattan life. He discovers sugar and fucking loves it! Among other pleasures.
But all is not to be happy for ever... soon Jake and Roland are hunted by police as Jake is a missing child using his mother's credit card to buy supplies.
Somehow they get back to Jake's apartment, where he 'shines' the moment where his mother was taken hostage by Walter.
Shining is the ability to see an event after the event has happened. It's like seeing a residue of an event some time later.
Now that Roland is healthy again, he and Jake head back into the Mid World where (I think) they're going to try and hunt down Walter and get his mother back.
The question becomes, will he succeed, and what will happen to him now he is a part of this alternative universe.
INITIAL REACTION.
WTF?
No... that's not fair. It's an adaptation of a Stephen King novel, so it's got to be good right?
If this were a stand alone spec screenplay I would say this is the worst pile of garbage I've ever read.
But it's not. These writers had to follow the story Stephen King wrote.
I just googled how many pages are in the Dark Tower novel. I thought there would be something like 700 pages... but no... there are 224.
That's a really short novel. We'd be looking at around 70 000 words. That's not many for a novel at all. Especially compared to Stephen King's other opuses.
Reviewing something that is adapted from a Stephen King work is hard to do.
You have to keep in mind that there are incredible adaptations such as THE SHINING - and MISERY -- two sensational films.
But then you have to remind yourself that there are some really awful adaptations out there.
IT - scared the living shit out of me when I was a kid. Re-watching it as an adult I found it painfully comical.
There's part of me that thinks just because this is a Stephen King adaptation it will succeed on some level. But then the rational part of me looks at the script for what it is and I really don't think this adaptation will work at all.
The story is a major problem for starters. Some Stephen King stories lend themselves to the film medium better than others.
Typically in film, stories that follow one MAIN characters do better than ensemble pieces. TV and Novels are the place for ensemble stories.
Ensemble stories are multi protagonist stories, and that's what The Dark Tower is. We have three main characters. Jake, Roland and Walter. We're constantly jumping between the three.
Now this could work in a film if their stories were intertwined from the start, but the stories only come together at about the half way point.
The story is the first major problem here.
The second major problem is the writing - it's terrible.
I read the story slower than I normally would any other screenplay just so I could make sure I was following what was happening. Even still, I really only got a sense of what was going on. I probably only took in about half the story.
I blame that on the writing here. It's not written like a normal screenplay. It's written like a readers digest version of a novel. I've never seen sooooo many similes in a screenplay.
Every other sentence was X did Y LIKE Z. You don't need to write the LIKE Z part in a screenplay. It makes for messy reading.
Let's get into it....
CONCEPT:
I don't even really know what the concept is. I googled The Dark Tower in wikipedia and even there, the person who had written the story synopsis was confused by what was happening.
Here's my stab at it...
A boy discovers he can cross over into an alternate world where he has special powers that may be able to be used to end the universe.
Something like that.
This concept is broad and unfocused. It's messy. And that concept doesn't take into account the other two storylines of Roland and Walter.
I'd have to write down Walter's storyline goal, and Roland's, then try to fuse together all three to really get a grip of what the concept here really is.
For a film, this REALLY doesn't work. For a novel - brilliant! Go nuts. It can work for sure. But this is waaaaay to unfocused for a film.
CONCEPT RATING: 2/10
CONCEPT TIP:
When adapting a novel for film, you need to think in film terms. Just because something works in a novel, does not automatically mean you can transpose that idea verbatim to the film medium. The concept here is muddy and three-pronged. For this to work as a film it needs to be become one-pronged and focused.
FORM:
Form here was terrible. Use of BOLD all over the place. There were asides from the writers to the reader. They told us things the character was THINKING. How the hell are the audience supposed to know what a character is thinking when they watch the film?
FORM RATING: 2/10
FORM TIP: Don't write similes into your script. If you took out the similes, this 119 page screenplay would be all of 80 pages long.
That's just messy, dirty writing.
STRUCTURE:
WTF?
Structure here does not adhere to any kind of film structure at all. They followed the novel structure.
Maybe it'll work. Maybe it won't.
I'd put my money on the later.
STRUCTURE RATING 2/10
STRUCTURE TIP:
If you have more than one main character it is going to be hard to structure your story. Find who the most important character is and write from their POV. This way the story will be structured and focused and more likely succeed.
CHARACTERS:
Characters here were interesting. That's not because of the screenplay writers - but because of Stephen King. Creating a character that already exists in a novel is easy. All your work has been done for you.
CHARACTER RATING 7/10
CHARATCER TIP: All the characters here are vividly different. There's been a lot of thought put into who each person is and why they're the way they are. Be sure to put this level of thought into your characters before you write your script.
DIALOGUE:
Pretentious.
Did not work for me at all. When were over in Mid-World, there's this cliched way of speaking that harks from yesteryear.
It reads like a bad adaptation of a King Arthur story produced for TV in the 70's.
The best dialogue was from Jake. Everything he said came out well. It was also refreshing to hear him call bullshit on a regular basis. It was a great juxtaposition to the corny yesteryear speak.
DIALIOGUE RATING: JAKE: 8/10 -- ALL THE REST 3/10
DIALOGUE TIP: When you have a character say things you wish the character would say it's refreshing. Often one of the other characters would say something stupid and pretentious that only made half-sense and Jake would call them out. It worked really well.
VOICE:
What little voice there is, is drowned out in simile and bad story telling.
If you're adapting a novel, it's your job to put what can often be a complex story into an easily digestible form.
That did not happen here at all.
VOICE RATING 3/10
VOICE TIP: The dirtier your writing the more clouded your voice is. The cleaner, the clearer.
PRODUCTION:
Apparently Idris Elba is cast as Roland.
So it looks like this film will go ahead.
It will be at least a 50 mill budget.
It'll probably break even, but it won't make much money.
I wouldn't put money down. But I would watch it to see Idris. He is a sensational actor!
If you haven't seen Beasts of No Nation on Netflix.... SEE IT!
SUMMARY
Has the potential to be something great, but if they keep the story telling as it is, this story will more likely confuse than entertain the audience.
OVERALL RATING: 4/10
Thursday, 4 February 2016
CHRONICLE 2: MARTYR
LOGLINE: The second instalment in the Chronicle franchise.
WRITER: MAX LANDIS
SCRIPT BIO: This was to be the follow up to the original film Chronicle, but the studio passed on it, citing that it was too dark and off canon.
STORY:
***SPOILERS
If you haven't seen Chronicle, see it. It's exceptionally good. It is a story of three high school kids who develop telekinetic powers after they chance upon an alien crystal buried in the ground near a party they attended.
Those powers lead them to be able to do literally ANYTHING with their minds. They could fly, crush cars, stop bullets... everything.
The really unique thing about this story was the execution. It was told from the three kids POV just having fun exploring their new found abilities.
There was no meddling secret government agents trying to intervene. It was just kids having fun.
Until one of them realised he could use his powers for evil and became the shadow character. One of them died, then the third killed the shadow in an epic battle.
The third and only one left alive - MATT - vows to use his powers for good and the film ends with him going off to save the world super hero style.
It's an epic story incredibly well acted and directed. It's budget was $12m and it made $126m at the box office. You do the sums.
Chronicle 2 picks up a year or so later. Matt has been flying around the world saving lives where he can, but he refuses to work for or have anything to do with the US government.
Because of his incredible powers, and unwillingness to share them with the government, we learn late in the piece that the government has had a secret program in place, developing an IronMan like suit for the off chance that Matt himself turns rogue and starts dedicating his powers for evil.
We join Jack and Miranda, essentially mad scientists who were part of the secret government program developing the IronMan suit, but they have now gone rogue.
They're building their own prototype of the suit with the specific intent of killing Matt. Miranda is the brains of the two. Jack is the maniac.
When they have the first prototype of the flying suit ready, Miranda warns Jack that it's not ready to take out Matt yet.
They're only to use this prototype to run training drills.
But Jack being the maniac he his, flies off in the suit and tries to kill Matt.
There's an epic battle in a football stadium full of people that ultimately ends with Matt destroying the prototype suit and killing Jack in the process.
Miranda sees this and is furious. She goes back to the workshop and starts working on the IronMan suit mark #2.
She soon finishes it and sets out to take down Matt.
The question becomes, who will win, will Matt survive, and how will he deal with the meddling government officials?
INITIAL REACTION:
Man, this script was great.
It had been such a long time since I read a script that I was really into.
There were a few stretches of the imagination at first, for instance, we don't get any context on who Miranda and Jack are. We meet them building an Iron Man suit out of discarded cell phones and what not.
I didn't buy that. UNTIL later when it's explained that Miranda is the world's most intelligent person (pretty much) and had been part of a special government program where she spent her entire life working on and designing the Iron Man suit.
That stretch of the imagination (within the canon of this story) suddenly made sense.
Max breaks all the rules in screenwriting and you know what. It works.
There is something SOOOOO refreshing about a story that DOESN'T adhere to all the rules. BUT HERE'S THE REASON WHY IT WORKS - because Max knows why he's breaking the rules.
There's a real intelligence on display here. In the voice. The dialogue. In the writing.
The only thing I could fault is Max's formatting.
But shit. If that's the ONLY thing that's not working for a script. Hell. Forget formatting.
He's nailing, CONCEPT, STRUCTURE, CHARACTERS, DIALOGUE and VOICE.
CONCEPT:
An everyday man develops superhero like telekinetic powers.
That's about as BIG an idea as there is.
Kinda shits all over every other idea I've reviewed this year.
I guess, the thing about this idea is that the execution could fail. But here's the thing - they already KNOW that this team - the writing and directing duo - can nail this concept, because they ALREADY HAVE, in Chronicle 1, and the film made serious profit.
CONCEPT RATING 10/10
CONCEPT TIP: Think big. Think huge. Then think, how can I put a unique twist on it? How can I deliver it in a fresh way?
Chronicle was about kids having fun with super powers. Most other writers would have injected the government at some point, which would have made the story cliche.
FORM:
Form here is so-so. Max uses BOLD all the time. Which is a no-no. He also has large chunks of descriptions. Could use much better formatting.
But you know what? When your story is this good.
Who gives a shit about formatting.
FORM RATING: Who cares?
FORM TIP: Nail every other aspect of your screenplay, and no one will care if you write it freehand on toilet paper. (Okay, maybe they will, but you get the point.)
STRUCTURE:
Structure is all over the place here. But it works! You know why? Because Max understands how to make the SCENE WORK.
If every scene has conflict and every scene has a POINT then even if your structure doesn't follow the typical Hero's Journey beats, the story will flow.
In fact, I'm pretty damn sure one of the reasons I loved this script sooooo much is because of the lack of structure. It kept me on my toes. I had no idea what was going to happen next.
Predictability was zero here. Which kept me constantly engaged.
DIALOGUE:
Amazing work here. Max actually writes in the stutters and the pauses. But it doesn't feel like over writing.
Think about it, when we speak we're constantly stopping to figure out what to say next, and correcting ourselves. In a screenplay, dialogue can often come across as fake because you, the writer have had forever to think about exactly what you want the character to say. That's not how real life dialogue is.
DIALOGUE RATING 9/10
DIALIGUE TIP: Secretly record the next conversation you have with one of your friends. Go home and type up that conversation, word for word, including all the self corrections and pauses. Have a look at how REAL dialogue looks on the page.
VOICE:
Amazing voice here. Max's writing is up there with Brian Duffield. These two guys have such a unique way of telling a story. It's sheer brilliance.
VOICE RATING 10/10
VOICE TIP: Read Brian Duffield and Max Landis scripts. It's almost impossible to put into words what they do. They each have very different styles. But the story they tell STAYS with you. That's good writing.
PRODUCTION:
The studio made a HUGE mistake passing on this script. It took the original idea to a new place. To a unique level. Now I've read that the studio passed because they wanted Chronicle two to basically be the same as Chronicle one.
Sigh.
I don't even need to explain that sigh. Do I?
This story would kill it.
I imagine they'd need to sink a little more money that $12 into it. Probably closer to 20 million. But even then, it would be a guaranteed money maker.
SUMMARY.
Genius script. Would love to see it on the big screen one day. Alas, that day may never come.
OVERALL RATING 9.5/10
WRITER: MAX LANDIS
SCRIPT BIO: This was to be the follow up to the original film Chronicle, but the studio passed on it, citing that it was too dark and off canon.
STORY:
***SPOILERS
If you haven't seen Chronicle, see it. It's exceptionally good. It is a story of three high school kids who develop telekinetic powers after they chance upon an alien crystal buried in the ground near a party they attended.
Those powers lead them to be able to do literally ANYTHING with their minds. They could fly, crush cars, stop bullets... everything.
The really unique thing about this story was the execution. It was told from the three kids POV just having fun exploring their new found abilities.
There was no meddling secret government agents trying to intervene. It was just kids having fun.
Until one of them realised he could use his powers for evil and became the shadow character. One of them died, then the third killed the shadow in an epic battle.
The third and only one left alive - MATT - vows to use his powers for good and the film ends with him going off to save the world super hero style.
It's an epic story incredibly well acted and directed. It's budget was $12m and it made $126m at the box office. You do the sums.
Chronicle 2 picks up a year or so later. Matt has been flying around the world saving lives where he can, but he refuses to work for or have anything to do with the US government.
Because of his incredible powers, and unwillingness to share them with the government, we learn late in the piece that the government has had a secret program in place, developing an IronMan like suit for the off chance that Matt himself turns rogue and starts dedicating his powers for evil.
We join Jack and Miranda, essentially mad scientists who were part of the secret government program developing the IronMan suit, but they have now gone rogue.
They're building their own prototype of the suit with the specific intent of killing Matt. Miranda is the brains of the two. Jack is the maniac.
When they have the first prototype of the flying suit ready, Miranda warns Jack that it's not ready to take out Matt yet.
They're only to use this prototype to run training drills.
But Jack being the maniac he his, flies off in the suit and tries to kill Matt.
There's an epic battle in a football stadium full of people that ultimately ends with Matt destroying the prototype suit and killing Jack in the process.
Miranda sees this and is furious. She goes back to the workshop and starts working on the IronMan suit mark #2.
She soon finishes it and sets out to take down Matt.
The question becomes, who will win, will Matt survive, and how will he deal with the meddling government officials?
INITIAL REACTION:
Man, this script was great.
It had been such a long time since I read a script that I was really into.
There were a few stretches of the imagination at first, for instance, we don't get any context on who Miranda and Jack are. We meet them building an Iron Man suit out of discarded cell phones and what not.
I didn't buy that. UNTIL later when it's explained that Miranda is the world's most intelligent person (pretty much) and had been part of a special government program where she spent her entire life working on and designing the Iron Man suit.
That stretch of the imagination (within the canon of this story) suddenly made sense.
Max breaks all the rules in screenwriting and you know what. It works.
There is something SOOOOO refreshing about a story that DOESN'T adhere to all the rules. BUT HERE'S THE REASON WHY IT WORKS - because Max knows why he's breaking the rules.
There's a real intelligence on display here. In the voice. The dialogue. In the writing.
The only thing I could fault is Max's formatting.
But shit. If that's the ONLY thing that's not working for a script. Hell. Forget formatting.
He's nailing, CONCEPT, STRUCTURE, CHARACTERS, DIALOGUE and VOICE.
CONCEPT:
An everyday man develops superhero like telekinetic powers.
That's about as BIG an idea as there is.
Kinda shits all over every other idea I've reviewed this year.
I guess, the thing about this idea is that the execution could fail. But here's the thing - they already KNOW that this team - the writing and directing duo - can nail this concept, because they ALREADY HAVE, in Chronicle 1, and the film made serious profit.
CONCEPT RATING 10/10
CONCEPT TIP: Think big. Think huge. Then think, how can I put a unique twist on it? How can I deliver it in a fresh way?
Chronicle was about kids having fun with super powers. Most other writers would have injected the government at some point, which would have made the story cliche.
FORM:
Form here is so-so. Max uses BOLD all the time. Which is a no-no. He also has large chunks of descriptions. Could use much better formatting.
But you know what? When your story is this good.
Who gives a shit about formatting.
FORM RATING: Who cares?
FORM TIP: Nail every other aspect of your screenplay, and no one will care if you write it freehand on toilet paper. (Okay, maybe they will, but you get the point.)
STRUCTURE:
Structure is all over the place here. But it works! You know why? Because Max understands how to make the SCENE WORK.
If every scene has conflict and every scene has a POINT then even if your structure doesn't follow the typical Hero's Journey beats, the story will flow.
In fact, I'm pretty damn sure one of the reasons I loved this script sooooo much is because of the lack of structure. It kept me on my toes. I had no idea what was going to happen next.
Predictability was zero here. Which kept me constantly engaged.
DIALOGUE:
Amazing work here. Max actually writes in the stutters and the pauses. But it doesn't feel like over writing.
Think about it, when we speak we're constantly stopping to figure out what to say next, and correcting ourselves. In a screenplay, dialogue can often come across as fake because you, the writer have had forever to think about exactly what you want the character to say. That's not how real life dialogue is.
DIALOGUE RATING 9/10
DIALIGUE TIP: Secretly record the next conversation you have with one of your friends. Go home and type up that conversation, word for word, including all the self corrections and pauses. Have a look at how REAL dialogue looks on the page.
VOICE:
Amazing voice here. Max's writing is up there with Brian Duffield. These two guys have such a unique way of telling a story. It's sheer brilliance.
VOICE RATING 10/10
VOICE TIP: Read Brian Duffield and Max Landis scripts. It's almost impossible to put into words what they do. They each have very different styles. But the story they tell STAYS with you. That's good writing.
PRODUCTION:
The studio made a HUGE mistake passing on this script. It took the original idea to a new place. To a unique level. Now I've read that the studio passed because they wanted Chronicle two to basically be the same as Chronicle one.
Sigh.
I don't even need to explain that sigh. Do I?
This story would kill it.
I imagine they'd need to sink a little more money that $12 into it. Probably closer to 20 million. But even then, it would be a guaranteed money maker.
SUMMARY.
Genius script. Would love to see it on the big screen one day. Alas, that day may never come.
OVERALL RATING 9.5/10
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